tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post4949242178249741911..comments2023-07-29T10:07:52.558-04:00Comments on The Hidden Hero: I'm Having Fat DaysV. Rileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17784637105545220269noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-81749530548690263132008-07-25T22:43:00.000-04:002008-07-25T22:43:00.000-04:00for some reason, i just barely read this post. i r...for some reason, i just barely read this post. i relate to it quite a bit, because my relationship with my brother is very much on the "you're too fucking sensitive, get over it" vein you described. i actually copied it into an email and sent it to him, hoping that it would help him to understand why i don't speak to him anymore. thanks for posting!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-1337660070170233972008-04-06T16:24:00.000-04:002008-04-06T16:24:00.000-04:00You're right--you can't change them. You can only...You're right--you can't change them. You can only control yourself (or attempt to)--some people are better at this than others.<BR/><BR/>I would agree that your particular family suffers from being in a rut. Everyone is still playing the roles they had 30 years ago. Part of it's probably that if they can't see the problem, then it doesn't exist. In babies and toddlers, this is referred to as object permanence, and it's a huge developmental milestone when they realize that just b/c Mama's out of sight, she still exists, and will come back. Sounds like your family is a bunch of habit-bound ostriches. On the surface, it's way easier for them to hide behind a veil of contentment (or general dislike) so they can pretend everything's fine (or at least typical). That way they don't have to face the ugly facts that a)they're not perfect b)they aren't always nice c)you might be a better person than they are (better being a highly subjective term). <BR/><BR/>I would guess they've never given much thought to how they phrase things. If they did, they would be using words that lined up better with their benevolent intentions. As is, they're suffering from a lack of empathy. It really shouldn't matter *why* you get upset when they're joking; just that you do get upset *should* be enough to clue them in to stop. But then there's the whole negative attention being better than no attention thing (why lots of little kids "misbehave"). They know which buttons to push to get a rise out of you, so they keep pushing those same buttons.<BR/><BR/>When you get around to procreating, you'll discover you're a good father. How do I know? Because you're already thinking about this stuff. You don't want to deliberately mess up your kids by continuing unhealthy patterns. That's half the battle--recognizing there's a problem. The other half is the pisser--actually changing your own pattern of behavior..easy enough when you're well-rested and calm, but when you're sleep deprived and upset, you'll find yourself reverting to the freak-show things your family did to you. Scary beyond belief, but still possible to change.<BR/><BR/>Check out the forums on mothering.com (yes, there are some dads on there too)...specifically the gentle discipline forum. As with anything, there's a whole spectrum ranging from incredibly child centered (consensual living--nutshell is everyone in the family has a say) to parent centered, but b/c it's all under the gentle discipline umbrella, all those parents are trying to raise their kids without hitting (spanking), shaming, yelling, etc. They actually want to treat their kids with the respect that all humans deserve. Anyway, lots of the parents there found the forum when they realized they had issues with their own childhoods that were interfering in their current family dynamics. There are several book recommendations geared specifically towards working through your own issues so you have more of a clean slate w/ your kids.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-81285922464466843362008-01-16T13:11:00.000-05:002008-01-16T13:11:00.000-05:00I'm sure they knew... they just saw it as "picking...I'm sure they knew... they just saw it as "picking on" and "teasing" rather than "cruel", as you said. In fact, if THEY were in my position, they would probably have ignored it completely. I've never been able to let stuff roll off my back like they can.<BR/><BR/>Let's not try to paint the whole immediate family as monsters... Parents did the best they could with what they had and what they knew. Yeah, my Dad can't emotionally express himself if his life depended on it, but what's done is done. Ultimately, I'm the man I am, so I can't think they completely botched the job.<BR/><BR/>And A-holes 1 & 2 *have* grown and changed themselves (though not always readily apparent... I'm sure they think the same of me).<BR/><BR/>Keep in mind that everything I say, and everything anyone says, is always one-sided. I do my best to call it down the middle... the facts of what happened and how *I* interpreted it. Cause that's all I can do.<BR/><BR/>So don't go taking out their kneepcaps if you see them on the street. ;) (I'm just sayin) :DV. Rileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17784637105545220269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-21494892683533950222008-01-15T17:33:00.000-05:002008-01-15T17:33:00.000-05:00My questions is...where were your parents when you...My questions is...where were your parents when your brothers were acting like this? Did they not know about it?<BR/>I have 2 younger brothers and we picked on each other sometimes, but we were never allowed to be cruel...if we were, we were punished. <BR/><BR/>I agree with anonymous girl...I think your brothers have very low self-esteems. Most people who are truly confident don't feel the need to belittle others. <BR/><BR/>On another note, I am a Capricorn...and I think I am quite nice. <BR/><BR/>-HAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-53493163655177786992008-01-14T19:36:00.000-05:002008-01-14T19:36:00.000-05:00hmmm...Gemini. That would've been my 4th guess if ...hmmm...Gemini. That would've been my 4th guess if I knew a bit more about him. I'll bet he's the one that can talk his way out of any situation, thinking he's all "intellectual" and clever.<BR/>I hope you find peace with your siblings, and your family altogether. <BR/><BR/>I also hope you keep writing, you have amazing talent. (and being a voyeur myself I love to have a window into people's lives) especially those with a brain. <BR/>Hope to have something to "peek" in on soon! <BR/><BR/>- just a girlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-88877883457227246022008-01-14T12:37:00.000-05:002008-01-14T12:37:00.000-05:00Wow... you are right on a few things: I *am* a Ca...Wow... you are right on a few things: I *am* a Cancer, and 1 & 2 are a Libra and Gemini respectively. Neither of them seem to struggle with their weight, that seemed to be all mine.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your compliments, I appreciate it, and for the food for thought. <BR/><BR/>Mmmmmm.... thinking food....V. Rileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17784637105545220269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34511226.post-38145426972324745382008-01-14T11:24:00.000-05:002008-01-14T11:24:00.000-05:00I may be way out in left field here, but I love to...I may be way out in left field here, but I love to psycho-analyze. That's my thing. I'm guessing the root of your problems with a-holes 1 & 2 are simply due to the fact that they may have low self-esteem themselves. They may at one point, even now, struggle with their weight or appearance? but their personalities don't lend themselves to "getting personal" about it so they mask it with insults towards someone who IS sensitive. <BR/>Now, I delve a bit into astrology, so I hope you don't mind. By reading your other blogs you sound like a Cancer to me...I'm guessing your brothers are maybe a libra, capricorn, or pisces?<BR/>Even if I'm wrong I bet a lot of the animosity may be aggravated by the fact that you DID start out on your own sooner than they did. They probably have "cush" jobs but did they ever really follow their dreams? Or were they too chicken? maybe they see your courage as a threat and envy you a little because they've never been able to challenge themselves and now their own goals are slipping away. <BR/>My theory is when people insult me, they're doing it because they're hurting and "misery loves company". <BR/>Like I said, I may be completely wrong, but I figured I'd let you have some food for though. <BR/>If it's worth anything, I admire your talent and intellect. You sound like someone I'd get along with fabulously :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com