I'm Tired of This Shite!

Alright… I’m officially *fed up*.

I actually found someone that I was interested in. In a romantic sense.

Now, those two statements look like a bit of an oxymoron. “Wait… you have a crush? That’s a good thing… isn’t it?”

Yes, it is. I think it’s a VERY good thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve met anyone that has held my interest like that. I actually started to get *hopeful*. And furthermore… this was someone I met on the Internet. Even suffering all my past gauntlets of Internet meeting/dating… from homemade dumplings shoved down my gullet to seemingly pleasant meetings that result in never hearing from that person again… I kept trying it. Thinking that the east coast would be different from the west coast (in terms of saner selections), I figured I’d give it one more go-around… and it looked like it actually was about to pay off.

I met someone. Yes, it’s the internet, so there is the point that we’ve actually never met *in person*… which sounds pathetic… but in this 21st century that we now live… the idea really just elicits a shrug and a “eh… it happens” from a lot of people.

Now I was never trying to get my hopes up… I’m a very cautious creature nowadays, and spell out very clearly early on with most everyone that I take things very slow. Snails look at me and say, “Sweet Screaming Jesus, pick up the pace, will ya?” And one individual that I met on one particular “meeting site” had a picture that makes you look twice. And you’ll look a third just because you can. And not that far from where I’m now living. In our correspondence… we seemed to react favorably towards one another. Every few days I’d receive an e-mail from her. Sometimes I’d sit on it for a day, sometimes write something that evening. After 2 days or so, she’d write back. Nice, easy, relaxed way of introducing. I’m okay with this. Then we start to chat on AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), and we exchanged regular e-mails.

In our chats and e-mails… we seem to connect. We seem to have quite a few things in common, and we seem to make each other smile. (Providing you buy the little smiley face icons as being genuine… ) Anytime the conversation started to veer into the definite “friends only” type of conversations that I know so well… I tried to nip it in the bud. Saying, “sorry… I don’t want to hear that, because then I’ll ONLY be thought of as a friend. And I don’t want to be demoted like that just yet.” She actually responded to this saying that she was worried that *her* feelings weren’t going to be mutual… etc. So, by her own admission… SHE’S interested. And has written on a number of occasions… “You’re just the type of guy I could fall in love with.” Hey… things are looking pretty spiffy for me!

What I know about her at this point is this: She’s 27 (in my age range, hallelujah)… a schoolteacher of 8th graders… doesn’t drink (another hallelujah)… is Irish (as in from Ireland), and has been here in America for 8 years. Those are the main points. She says she’s online most evenings around 7pm. Now I rarely use AIM… but consciously found myself purposefully logging on around that time in hopes of catching her on… (or letting her catch me on) so we could chat more. Now with this going on… the e-mails dropped off. Or I should say… my e-mails went unanswered. I can usually understand this… why bother to write when we’re going to chat in real-time anyway? No problem.

We exchange phone numbers. One night I call her, get her voice mail… I leave a message. Don’t hear anything till a few days later when we’re online. Not a returned phone call… another on-line chat. *shrug* No biggie… she’ll call when she feels up to it. She said she wasn’t feeling well at times, so maybe her voice isn’t up to par these days, and it hurts to talk.

Now you’ll probably realize I’m already doing something I do a LOT. Making excuses for people. Or maybe not so much making excuses… but cutting a lot of slack. Warranted or not… Being fair or being a sucker… I tend to do that, and intend to do it less.

Now I knew meeting might be a slight logistical annoyance… I was starting a new job, and once training was done, the regular hours would be on the weekends. But that was AFTER the training.

Now there are a few things I don’t know about her. Such as the town she lives in (so I have an idea how far apart we are)… and I would also like to know her last name. My e-mail displays my full name, and I had knowingly mentioned what it is to her… and since I have a fairly unique last name, if you google it (as I know MANY people to do… don’t want to go hooking up with a convicted serial killer), with all the results you get, there’s a 99% chance that the any one you pick is either me or someone related to me. And with all my activities over the years, I got in a number of papers and places that found their way onto the web. So it’s not hard to locate me in a virtual sense. You can find pictures of me, my Myspace, blogs I’ve posted to, friends that name me, clubs I’ve been in, productions I’ve worked on, etc. Hell, I’m on the Internet Movie Database (http://www.imdb.com) from crying out loud.

Now, I’m not saying I expect to find out as much info on her as she can on me… or even that I intend to do a full background check. But a last name is important. It’s identity. It separates you from all the other Jens, Joes, Carls, Emilys and whatever that are out there. Sure, there’s 354,048 Ashleys out there… but only one Ashley Mortnick. (Or maybe none… as I just made that name up) But you see what I mean. And I want to know about HER, and know HER identity. May seem like a small detail that’s easily forgettable… but I think it’s important.

Well, that inquiry went unanswered. I even dropped an e-mail again to her saying “Hi… how are you? Hope to hear back from you, and hear your response to my last e-mail. Blah blah.” (Turns out… I sent a few e-mails to her… each a few or several days apart that went unanswered) And I was still logging on to AIM every night around the same time. Nothing. Now, since she “ghosts” (logs on without being seen by everyone), she would have to contact ME when we were on together. And now… She seemed to disappear. And I realized this disappearing act just as I was starting to mention to friends about how there was finally someone I was actually interested in… and looking forward to meeting.

I guess… she lost interest? Seems so… as I was never asking for a long drawn-out e-mail… just a quick two minute note, saying, “I’ve been really busy, hope to chat soon!” One time, I tried to message her on AIM and it went through… showing she WAS on… and no response. ????

Now… I know about being busy. All too well. But I also know that no matter how busy I am… if I really want to… I can make time to write a quick “I’m thinking about you” note to someone. Even just as a courtesy. And I know I said I like to “take things slow”… but that doesn’t mean extended periods of time between initial contact and official dating status with same amount of conversations in between. That just means *more* conversations… and more “getting to know” someone before said “official status” commences.

So, I hear nothing… no return phone call from the initial one made way back when… no quick e-mails… no messages on AIM at the times when she’s always supposed to be on. It apparently feels like I’m suddenly being ignored.

Then, I get an e-mail. It says, “((hugs him as she sees him)) Hi there! Haven’t seen you online in a while. I was thinking you found someone else to be interested in. Hope to talk to you soon!”

Okay, my reply was not really on the “kind” side. I had to ask… am I just being played? *I’m* not online? I made EVERY effort to contact her and make myself available for contact. And now it’s just a “oh darn, we didn’t catch each other. Oh well, everything’s fine now!” It’s feeling like she is exuding NO effort whatsoever… not even minimal. So, quite frankly, this is starting to marginally resemble the actions of someone else I used to know, and no longer care to.

I hear nothing for a few days… and she messages me one evening. With another “((hugs him as she sees him))”… personally, I don’t understand this form of descriptive action… but hey, some people do that. Now, I’m looking at my screen with a “What the hell” kind of contempt. She writes that she read my letter… was very surprised by it… and I even made her start to cry. I have no intention of issuing an apology… at least until I get some kind of apology from her for the lack on contact.

We chat a bit about why I felt that way… She says she thought that since SHE was feeling sick, and so was I (yes, but I still go near my computer!)… and since I worked weekends (which I hadn’t at that point)… I let her in on my past experiences and why I may seem so untrusting. She thinks she’s competing with a ghost… which isn’t the case… I just learned from the past. I’m over it... I’ve healed, just have no desire to repeat it. But according to her, I need to “think about things” and decide what I really want (meaning, do I really want to pursue something with HER).

Now… that’s something that kind of annoys me. I’m always hearing that I’m the one that “needs to think about things”. Bullshit! I’m ALWAYS thinking about things… hell, I *overthink* things (as many that know me may tell).

I don’t need to think about ANYTHING. I know what I want… and I’m just wondering if I’m going to get it. That’s for HER to answer and demonstrate.

Maybe that got through to her… and we end that chat with her needing to walk her dog, but that I can “call her anytime”. I ask if we can talk that evening later on. She says sure. A little after 9:00pm I call her, and she actually picks up. And we actually chat… finally hearing her voice for the first time.

And she has a THICK Irish brogue.

For a few seconds I actually wonder to myself… “is this for real?” Something about it just seemed a bit odd… like it was *too much*, you know? Now the only evidence I heard of her voice up till this point was the message on her voice mail. Which sounded more American then ME, quite frankly. No hint of an accent. Granted, it was a quick message, and hard to tell. I doubt it was someone else making a message for her… the tone and pitch were the same… but just no accent. Whether she was putting on the fake voice at the message or now in the conversation… I have no clue. Or if there was any fake whatsoever… *shrug* If it is fake… what benefit would come from it? I couldn’t see any reason for it. And it’s not just going on a “feeling” here…

She said she’s been in America for 8 years. I know people from non-English speaking countries that lose their accents in less than 5. Hell, my Mom goes to Canada for two weeks a year, and spends the next 6 putting “ey” at the end of all her sentences. I spent 4 days in London, I spoke with a slight british twinge for a week after. We’re humans… get immersed, we naturally adapt. The only reason you would keep an accent after that time is if it’s on purpose. Take Ah-nold Swartzenhopper… that accent is his selling point. His gimmick. He could speak perfect English if he wants, but then he becomes another unmemorable muscle-head actor. Now, he’s the freaking governor of California. So… why would she have this VERY thick Irish accent?

Regardless… we have a nice conversation. Very pleasant… and we talk about possible places to meet for tea or cocoa or something. I’m still even willing to travel further than she would so she wouldn’t be inconvenienced much. We end the conversation with some possibilities… and she says that I can call her and talk ANYTIME. I ask if I can call again tomorrow around the same time. She says yes. So I do. She doesn’t answer… I leave a message.

Next night, I try ONE more time. I never call anyone more than twice… then it’s up to them to call me back. It’s only right… it’s only polite.

And I haven’t heard anything since.

What does this tell me?

Well, according to the scientific principle of Occam’s Razor:

The simplest explanation is usually the best.

And the simplest explanation is that I’m being played like a game of jacks.

So… I’m officially tired of this bullshit.

If she REALLY wants to chat … she’ll have to call or write to me. If she really wants to meet… SHE will have to go further out of her way and come up to ME. I’m not kissing any more ass. I’m not lifting any more fingers. And it’s not going to be MY loss.

This is FAR from putting my faith back into the female gender.

What the hell?