I've been reflecting recently on what exactly entails "closure". Always seemed like a simple concept. Sort of an idea of finality and peace about something... a sensible ending. Like having "all questions answered" kind of a thing.

Without looking in a dictionary (and doing so would eliminate the philisophical opportunities of this), I always figured this would be a decent explanation... though I'm not sure who else would agree. I use my past experience as sort of the barometer for that. Many times I would have questions about something... an event or relationship (okay mostly relationships... that's what I'm really getting to), and always have questions... What exactly happened that I didn't see? What am I not being told? Stuff like that. The answers to these and other questions was always supposed to be the "closure". Sure, things didn't work out for whatever reason... but the closure would at least explain WHY... and hence I could learn from it, and make whatever future relationship benefit from that knowledge.

Not to say I always got "closure"...hell, I got it very rarely. Some of the times where I did get it... was LONG after the fact... such as a "yeah, I was stupid... sorry for what I did." So the closest thing I ever got to "closure" (at the times it was needed)... was when I had to make it myself. Usually by soul-searching... asking myself questions, and trying to find the most constructive, understanding answers that I could. While it never answered questions about the other person... it did answer them for me, and about who I am.

But lately... I've been wondering if I need to re-define the idea of "closure"...

I shall elaborate slightly.

About a year ago... I went through the worst breakup I ever had. By far. I'm not going to bother details (because that would be 20 pages... and just about everyone that knows me (who will probably be the ones reading this) know the details anyway (from my point of view). And those that don't... it literally is 20 pages long (and the story of the story is a story unto itself), so you probably don't want to know...

But the long and the short of it is... I got screwed over. Big time. Whether that was intended by the involved parties or not is neither here nor there. But throughout the events... the final product was Me Screwed Over. The stress of it got so bad, I started having stomach pains (at least I now know where I keep my stress...) that doubled me over for a good few months. Yak yak yak camel yak...

But for the idea of closure... well, I know it was something I desperately wanted for a long time and wasn't getting. I had so many questions about what happened... why... what was the thought process... why did it happen like that... why couldn't it have been a nice clean break (which it could have)... why the lies, the betrayal, etc... Most of the questions don't even have an intelligibe answer. Just a "that's the way it is" or "it's happened before"... or things like that. They never actually answered the question to my satisfaction... but I wonder if any answer *would* be satisfying.

Working things out over the past year... I enlisted a LOT of help... cause for the first time in my life, I sure needed it. Have done a lot of talking... lot of writing... even found that I could draw (which is a positive thing... though to be honest... if that's how I needed to find out, I would have preferred to never know).

And I've come a long way... for one... it's not very often that I feel the need to talk about the details. When I do, I've been told that I sound "not so bitter"... and overall to seem to be doing (and feeling) pretty well.

I should say... it being almost a year now... is not much of a surprise for me to take this long. I *always* take a long time between relationships... granted I didn't think it would be THIS long... it's been almost as long as the time we actually dated, but everyone is different... and I know people still hurting from briefer relationships that took place years ago. And it's still really just applying to the issue of closure.

I have dated... and had a very nice time with some really cool people. And I'm glad that relationship is over... and I feel fairly confident that I'm ready to move on to the next opportunity whenever it presents itself. So, don't worry... I'm not obsessing.

But like I said... I considered redefining "closure". Because for myself... I think I've come up with the answers I'm going to... and the rare times I do think about it... it doesn't seem like enough.

I started wondering if closure is more than just ME understanding things... but would it feel better for HER to see my point of view? And not just know my point of view... but actually UNDERSTAND it? And realize why I felt wronged to such an extent? Maybe even elicit a sincere apology?

Do I need to bluntly and cruelly say all the things I felt and opinions I had? If for nothing more than to get it out? Of which... I have said. I've chatted with friends, therapists, written about it... but I always felt that telling "others" never did much good... when the person that I "wanted" to hear it was someone I never wanted to see or talk to again. I thought that she was the audience I needed... but would never get. I wonder if that's just the closure I needed.

Yet, while speculating it... I can guess that it would *feel* good to do that... but thanks to Murphy's Law, we know it probably wouldn't work out that way. Maybe her reaction would be so cold that it only incensed me more... or maybe she'd break down crying, apologizing up and down saying that she's a horrible person. *shrug* Who knows. But I don't think either of those is something I want or need.

I know I can create the opportunity for that... I can get in contact with her, face her down and tell her all on my mind. (But that's a lot of work to just be consciously cruel, no matter how much it's deserved) But I did mean it when I said I didn't want her in my life. Yet, in a way... we ARE in each other's life. Because we have mutual friends. (The really ironic part is that I became friends with those people AFTER said breakup... again, long story.) Though I can avoid her in every way possible... eventually, we WILL run into each other.

And we did... at a wedding. (Definitely a place where I would never start drama) There was a polite smile and hello. And that's what it was kept to. And I was even uncomfortable with that, quite frankly. And I'm told that even though she still wants to be friends with me, she will never make the approach to me... because she figures that since "I was the one who was wronged, she'll wait until I approach her."

I can understand that logic. But there's the counter-argument: If I was the one who was wronged... why the hell do *I* have to be the one to make the uncomfortable approach???? That's the one I subscribe to, and hence I do not intend to (of which I can be very stubborn when I want).

Yet, I did hear (from third-party) that she did walk by me several times on purpose... to give me the opportunity to stop and talk to her. Of which I never did. Don't know if I was just told that for my benefit or whatever... (can't think of how it would)... but it was grapevine.

Why mention this all now?

Well... I realized earlier today... that the one-year anniversary of the breakup is just a few short days away. And just prior to that realization... my stomach started acting up. The sure sign of my stress from this whole last year... pain that I haven't felt in several months.

Now whether my body's internal clock went off because of the time of year... or if I got the mild pains BECAUSE I was thinking about it...or if I just ate my Salmon a little too fast... don't know. Or even if it's just for general stress issue... not related to her... because this has been a year of change... and with change comes stress. And I've made a decision to change something very significant... my location.

And I don't mean just get a new apartment...I'm talking a full-on Latitude Adjustment. It's something I thought about heavily... and made the decision because I feel it's right for ME! (And I'm making it a point to do more things for Me.) So while I feel good about it... the logistics of that can always be stressful.

So maybe it's something... maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm at the end of that saga... maybe there's more to come. Maybe "she" will hear about this and read it. (Not sure how she would, though) Maybe she doesn't give a flying leap. I don't know. But I think Closure is starting to seem like an intangible idea... something we tell ourselves to try to move on. Not something you can put your finger on... but that we need all the same... and hence near impossible to find.

Providing that I'm making any sense... what do you think?

And a shout out to the GG blog... they seem to like me there. :)


Deviant Lifestyles

Last night, I went to a movie premiere party... for an adult film.

Why? Cause I never have. And I'm in freaking L.A.

The film is about submission and domination... but it's one of the "mainstream adult films" (if you could call it that). Made by one of the bigger companies, and it's nicely shot, high production values and apparently known names of the adult film world. So I have a feeling that the fetishism displayed on screen is quite tame compared to the real-world practice of B/D/S/M. Not having seen a "fetish" video before, I would only assume they're more closer to the "B-movie" variety... shot on home videotape... grainy and gritty with performers resembling people you ACTUALLY see on the street.

But they were giving out free gift bags. And if it's free... it's for me. There could be a sign saying "Free Dirt", and I'll be in line with bags waiting for my topsoil.

The website encouraged Fetish Wear... so for the first time in a long while... I got to break out my Pleather Pants... not to mention my "Gay Shirt" (it's shiny, black, humblingly tight, and I got it in West Hollywood. Also haven't worn it in 4 years... I was very happy it still fit.) Then I slicked my hair back... which for my hair, actually entails pomade and a LOT of hairspray. When it dried, if I were to accidentally headbutt somebody, I'd probably crack their skull before that Plaster Toupee even dented.) Then... since I was going for more of a "Cyberpunk" thing... I took eyeliner pencil from my Theatre Makeup kit, and drew circuitry (or something resembling it) all over my left arm, and the left side of my face. When I finished with that, I figured I looked barely passable... hopefully I wouldn't get laughed at.

That actually didn't happen at all... I must have done better with it than I thought. Several people asked if it was a tattoo, and many more complimented me on it. Coolness. :)

But I'm getting ahead. I'm not normally a club-goer. I tend to hang back, people watch, and just sort of visually occupy myself. But here, I actually met people. In a normal club, a quick smile would MAYBE get you the same in return. If you want conversation with someone, you have to break through several barriers including, but not limited to, a shell of turned backs intended to dissuade any passer-bys, finding a spark of conversation when next to no inspiration is nearby, the 2-second judgement, etc. Sometimes it's like pulling your own teeth to get any kind of social momentum going.

Here, it was the complete opposite. Giving someone a basic smile, 9 times out of 10, got an enthusiastic smile in return (as opposed to a non-sincere polite one), and automatic conversation. No need to look for inspiration, everyone was wearing it. Everything seemed so much easier here. In a normal club, if you glance at some girl's overflowing cleavage, she'll think that you should die. Here, if you glance and some girl's overflowing cleavage, she'll think, "Why wouldn't you?"

The first person I met was an older woman... who was a dominatrix. She was very friendly, and we talked quite a bit about the lifestyle and practice. I didn't find it arousing at all... but I did find it very interesting and educational. A little while later, when some people were "playing"... there were plenty of people (myself included) watching. Everyone with knowledge of the practice were admiring other's form and technique... it almost seemed like it was being treated as more of an Art Form, rather than sexual. (Though the sexual element was clearly there.)

Overall, I have to admit... it was pretty darn fascinating. I learned about rope play, domination, knife play, craftsmanship of the racks and S/M tables, some of the different kinds of restraints used... a bunch of stuff. And I'm as white bread as they come... but it was definitely interesting.

And it kind of occurred to me earlier today when I was thinking about it... whenever I've met someone who was involved in what's considered a "deviant lifestyle" (S/M, Bikers, people with Tattoos covering 80% of their body, etc.)... in MY experience, they've always been the nicest... most polite... and most RESPECTFUL people I've ever met.

That's a much different message then I got when growing up. We always were told that "deviants" are evil and sick, with something wrong with them, that only hurt themselves and everyone around them. Well, I didn't see anyone hurting there. No drunken fights breaking out (no one even drunk)... no one crying... nothing like that. Just a lot of polite, happy people having a good time.

As I was leaving (and somehow ended up with 2 gift bags), I was walking back to my car, and I was crossing Sunset Blvd. There were 3 other people also crossing the same way. Two guys and a girl... dressed normally, mundanely... and acting a bit on the obnoxious side. As I passed by them, and they got to see me. All I heard was, "What's up with THIS guy?"

Obviously talking about me. 1am in the morning, no one else around... yeah, it was about me.

I considered turning around and simply saying, "THIS guy just came from a kick ass party with porn stars and scantily clad women everywhere who were HOPING to get spanked."

But then I figured... the worst thing I could do to this Generation Yutz is just let him continue on his way... and then he'd never know about a pretty damn cool place... and hence, never bother any of the truly nice people. So I just smiled and kept on walking.

And dude! I got free nipple clamps. Woo-Hoo!