The Worst Joke I Know

What follows is just that… the worst joke I know.  This is not the kind of “bad joke” that is too extreme or disgusting, or shocking.  It’s not the kind of “bad joke” that is just so “wrong” that you find yourself laughing despite yourself… this is just a wholly unfunny attempt at humor.  Folks that legitimately laugh at it… I think less of.  (Don’t worry… I’ll explain why)  Here it is:

An Atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Atheist.  “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

One of the many reasons I hate this joke has to do with when I see it posted on Facebook… because then people put up their comments.  Usually it’s comments like, “That’s classic!”, “She really told him!”, “Oh, the wisdom of children!  Ha Ha!”.

That makes me want to come to these people’s houses, gently knock on their door or window with a baseball bat and say, “You *do* understand that conversation didn’t actually take place in reality, right? Because you’re acting like it did.”

Now, I don’t actually hate this joke because I am Atheist… but it is what made me notice what is so bad about it in the first place.  No, it’s not even particularly insulting to me… though, I believe it is meant to be insulting to Atheists in the first place.  Anytime you make a joke that is categorized as a “(Insert group of people here) Joke”… like an Atheist Joke, a Blonde Joke, a Polish Joke, a Feminist Joke, a Black Joke, a Republican Joke, whatever… it is a joke that is meant to insult that group; Atheists, Blondes, the Polish, Feminists, African-Americans, Republicans, etc.  When you tell these jokes, it is simply your portrayal of your perception of that group of people (or even a specific individual.  A Hillary Clinton joke is meant to insult Hillary Clinton), and doing so in a manner where that group (or person) is unable to even respond, stand-up, or defend themselves.  If they (or someone) do try to stand-up to it, the default response is, “Hey, it’s just a joke.  Lighten up.”  (Yes, the one doing the insulting gets to take the high-ground here.  Funny how that works.)

This is not even about being “Politically Correct”… which is a phrase that is thrown about a LOT, and I don’t think anyone is even working from a similar definition on it, which makes it pretty pointless.  Frankly, the only people that are actually trying to be “Politically Correct”… are actual politicians.  When a politician who has previously spoken out against gay marriage, suddenly turns around and says that they’re for it… that’s being “Politically Correct”, because they realize that the majority of Americans agree with THAT stance, so if they want to keep their job as a politician, they have to now agree with the stance, themselves.  We can easily recognize when politicians are being “Politically Correct”, and I think we’re also hip enough to realize that when someone like Bernie Sanders says the same thing… he’s actually NOT being Politically Correct, because he’s been saying that exact shit, and supporting LGBTQA rights, since the fucking ‘70s.

But the current debate about being Politically Correct, seems to be mainly complaining about it.  The complainers seem to be in 2 extremes.  The first is the group that says they want to be able to say whatever they want about anything.  They want to say that Gay Marriage is wrong and gays should be killed, that all Muslims are terrorists, that Mexicans are lazy and taking American jobs (how are they taking jobs if they’re lazy?  Still haven’t figured that one out.), that all African-Americans are thugs and criminals, that all rape accusations are false and are just sluts now feeling regret, or whatever.  They say all that, and they’re defense is, “Hey, it’s my first Amendment Right, you Commie Heathen!”  (Sometimes also followed hypocritically with, “How dare you attack my god-fearing religious beliefs, you evil heathen!”)

*sigh*  The First Amendment part about “Freedom of Speech” simply means the government can’t arrest you for speaking your mind.  That’s it.  There are no police on the way to tackle you for saying that “Gays shouldn’t marry”.  (If you think there are… hit yourself.  Hard.)  But that doesn’t mean there are no consequences for your actions.  Because it’s our right, to think that you’re an asshole, and treat you, or boycott you, as such.  So, this extreme… all it really is, is people complaining that they can’t be assholes.

The other extreme, usually seems to be comedians… or comedic-minded people at least, and they’re complaining that “you can’t joke about anything anymore”.  Which I don’t think is true.  I do believe you can joke about anything.  Yes, there are subjects that are pretty extreme, that finding decent humor in them can be difficult.  But it’s not impossible.  One of my favorite comedians, Dana Gould, opens his CD “I Know It’s Wrong” talking about this, saying, “You can joke about anything, if you do it in the right context.”  He then goes on to do “an AIDS joke, a rape joke, and a joke about 9/11.”  Here’s an embed for you:

Personally, I think that was all funny… and not particularly shocking.  The AIDS joke is not making fun of the person with AIDS, it’s more about the social awkwardness and embarrassment of a person they’re talking to… it’s more making fun of oneself.  The Rape Joke is not normalizing sexual assault, or even making fun of a Rape Victim, it’s more about word-play.  The 9/11 joke isn’t even about that tragedy itself, it’s satirizing certain extreme religious beliefs.

Now, this brings it back to the “group joke” idea… because yes, Muslims are a group, and this is making fun of that group, ultimately.  A “group joke” can be funny… but it does depend on the group. 

Any demographic of people that did not choose to be a part of that demographic… that is much harder to joke about.  Gays did not choose to be Gay.  The Polish, Mexicans, or whatever did not get a say in whether or not they were born Polish, Mexican, or whatever.  African-Americans did not choose to be “Black” in this world.  Natural Blondes did not choose to be Blonde… they just are.  (I’m not equating being a natural blonde with being born Black, just showing they share this one commonality.  The ridicule for one is much harsher than it is for the other… and if you can’t figure out which one… hit yourself.  Really hard.)  Point is:  You are then making fun of them, and insulting them for something that they have absolutely no control over.

Now, these groups CAN be made fun of… but it’s really best done by themselves.  Gays can joke about being Gay.  Blacks can joke about being Black and living in this world as such.  Blondes can make Blonde jokes, Polish can make Polish jokes, etc.  The reason is simple… we should be able to laugh at ourselves.  That’s a healthy thing to do.  Especially for more marginalized groups, it can be a good thing to find humor in that which previously hurt you… because then it can’t hurt you anymore.  It can be a way to deal with our pain. (One of several valid ways to deal with it.  We do what works for us.) So, the argument of, “Oh, I can make a _____ joke, because I am ______”, is a valid one, to me.  Likewise, the complaint of, “How come you can make a joke about being _____, but I can’t make a joke about you being ____?” is not valid.  No, it’s not being hypocritical… because you never had to deal with the downsides of being _____.  You have nothing to deal with, you never walked in their shoes, so you can’t decide what is funny for them.

So, if it’s a group that has no say in being a part of that group… and you are not a part of that group, either… then joking about it makes you an asshole.  It is 100% bullying, nothing more.

But on the other side… the groups that you do, technically, CHOOSE to be a part of… which includes any and all religions in the world… those are up for ridicule and critique.  The religions (and accompanying religious people) might argue that they DIDN’T have a choice (an idea I may be revisiting in a future topic), as they were born into that system… which may be why they don’t feel like anyone can make fun of THEM.  But it is a choice, because ultimately, you can choose to leave it.  Gays can’t choose to not be Gay (no matter what certain religious pamphlets advertise otherwise), Mexicans can’t choose to have their ancestors not be from Mexico, etc.    But any religion, political affiliation, or belief system is up for not just ridicule, but also honest scrutiny and critique, from the rest of society.

Being Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Independent, or other… all up for being made fun of.  Being a Feminist… is up for honest scrutiny, critique, and ridicule (Key reminder for this… HONEST scrutiny.  Wholesale misrepresentation is ticket to asshole-town.)  Occupations of all types, up for being laughed at… and yes, even Atheism, is completely, 100% open to scrutiny and ridicule.  Even that is not exempt from humor.

So, again… it’s not because of Political Correctness or the fact I’m Atheist that I hate the joke in-question.  It’s just a horrible joke.  Take this other, different joke for example:

A Christian was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Christian.  “How about the glory of God, or Heaven and Hell, or eternal life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The Christian, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

Okay, you got me.  It’s not that different.  It’s the exact same joke… with minor changes.  Notice, however… the joke still “works” (if you can call what it is “working”… clearly doesn’t mean being funny), just as well if the subject of ridicule was Atheist.  It is, literally, the same joke.

This is a “Universal Joke”.  I don’t mean that it’s a joke that can be appreciated universally, but that it can be made to fit ANY demographic, really.  Consider some of these other “Group Jokes”:

How do you get a one-armed Polock out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Mexican out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Feminist out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Democrat out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

(Despite the obscure implication that the one-armed person is hanging by that one arm from a branch, and not sitting nicely balanced on that branch… )  It doesn’t matter what group you put in there, it’s the exact same joke.  All the joke really is, is “How do you get a one-armed Idiot out of a tree?”  Only “Idiot” is being replaced with whatever “group” you don’t particularly like.  Because you think that group is just nothing but idiots.

As you can see… “Universal Jokes” are inherently lazy.  About 90% of “group jokes” are also “universal jokes”.

This “man on the plane” doesn’t have to be Atheist or Christian.  You just change what group he’s in, and a slight adjustment to his topics of conversation (to make them issue-appropriate for that group), and the joke has the exact same effect, and the kid is equally sassy.

“A Democrat was seated next to… How about Government, the plight of the middle class, or expanding Health care?”

“A Feminist was seated next to… How about the Patriarchy, the history of Women’s Rights, or modern Gender Issues?”

“A Postal Clerk was seated next to… How about the price of stamps, or new shipping technology, or International Export Regulations?”

            See?  Doesn’t matter what or who is in there.  All it is, is an effort to make some “other group” look stupid at the hands of an imaginary child.

            Even looking at this joke structurally… so much of it is just bad.  A good joke at least has some basis in reality, because it plays upon those expectations.  Now, I always say, “Why analyze something when you can over-analyze it?”  So, let’s break it down, shall we?

An Atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Okay, the fact that this guy just turns to a little girl on an airplane to “talk”, raises a red flag to me.  Most adults don’t even think to do this.  Hell, I’ve been on planes sitting next to kids I actually know… and have no desire to “strike up a conversation”.  The fact that he actually thinks he can have an articulate, conversation with a young, unfamiliar child is more pathetic than it sounds… and in fact, actually sounds a bit creepy.  First impressions: this guy is a Pedophile.  (Pssst… by the way, statistically speaking, it’s more likely he’s religious.  Not saying Atheism doesn’t or can’t have sick assholes, but I don’t ever recall reading about a perverted child molestation scandal involving a “devout Atheist”)

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Atheist.  “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

I’d like to know what Religious Individual thinks that an Atheist would ever ask ANY of these questions.  What do THEY think that we actually expect?  Every single one of these is a very short, and dumb, conversation.

            If your own answer to “Why is there no God” sounds like, “For the same reason there’s no polka-dotted platinum elephants in Detroit that shoot rainbows out of their asses while singing Puccini opera in Chinese… because it’s not a thing.”… then there’s nothing to explore or learn with that question.

            Is he saying, “Hey let’s examine the evidence that there is no God”?  Because again, no Atheist would say this.  You can’t prove that something DOESN’T exist.  As sure as I am that there are no polka-dotted platinum elephants in Detroit (or anywhere) that shoot rainbows out their asses and singing Chinese Puccini opera… granted, I can’t prove it.  Because I haven’t looked everywhere in Detroit yet… and it’s even possible it could even move around when I’m looking.  But I know it’s pretty damn unlikely… enough that I’m confidant it’s not a thing.

And… “smiled smugly”?  So, this guy is proud of himself that he’s bringing up advanced concepts to a child?  This speaks less of being an Atheist, and more just an all-around douchebag… again, a quality not exclusive to Atheism.  Is he thinking that he is impressing this young girl?  Why?? This is sounding more and more like a predator.  At what point does the Flight Attendant show up, and reveals themselves to be Chris Hanson?  “So… Mr. Atheist, do you go on the message boards of “Young Girls Traveling Alone” as “NoGod6669”?  Hey, you’re free to go…”

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

Oh, okay, complete change of subject.  Well, it probably has to do with their biological systems and the physical activities they evolved to optimize.  I’m no zoologist, but thinking about it for 5 seconds, that seems relatively clear.

The Atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence,

Why is he “visibly surprised”?  He’s the one who brought up advanced theological concepts to her, and he’s “visibly surprised” by receiving anything remotely articulate in return?  Why did he bring it up if he didn’t think she would comprehend it?  What was he expecting in the first place???  “Gee, I don’t know about any of that with my little lady-brain… I guess you really are smarter than my daddy.  Can I come stay with you-”  AHHH!! Jesus jumped on a pogo stick!  Why do you think a typical Atheist would do this???  What point is it making to you???

thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” 

Okay, apparently, he didn’t think about it for 5 seconds.

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

Well, kid, since you brought it up:  Those subjects have absolutely nothing to do with one another, and a knowledge of zoology is not a prerequisite for religious or philosophical academic discourse.  Clearly, you’re parroting some catch-all sassy response that you were previously told.  While I applaud the effort of dissuading and trying to put off a would-be pedophile, regardless of what he’s identifying himself as, belief-wise, you are, however, now stuck next to him for the next few hours on this plane, and that crack ain’t going to stop him.  Call the attendant!  Right now!  Switch seats, get the Air Marshall, something!  Get away from this guy, before he appears in another badly thought-out attempt at humor to marginalize and insult from the believers!

Sorry… where was I?

            Anyway… so that is a horrible joke.  And others like it.  It’s important thing to look at our own humor, and think about WHY we’re laughing at it, and why we want to tell the jokes we like to tell.  It’s not about “Political Correctness”… it’s just about basic respect.  I think that’s the decent middle-ground of it, too.  That’s all “being PC” is, to me.  Not being a complete asshole.

            And while it’s your right to be an asshole, if you really want to be… I’d rather not.

            What do you think?