5.23.2007

“to dwell on” – Transitive Verb

I feel like I’m dwelling. And I hate it. I don’t want to do it… and I try not to… but lately, it keeps popping into my head, and it’s really getting to me.

Now I know I haven’t had that many posts on here (this is the 4th), but right now… HALF of what is here connects back to that certain someone and the “Great Hurt of Something Awful” from a freaking year and a half ago. (and another makes a reference) And with the “Closure” post, I thought that might be that. And even in the last one, I mention how “I’m over it, I’m healed.” Maybe not. Wow, that’s frustrating.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that Spring is now in full bloom (“when a young man’s fancy turns to love”)… but “she” keeps popping into my head, and I absolutely hate it.

Now, it’s not because I still have “feelings” for her… (unless you count “contempt”). When I was doing therapy, I was asked if I had the opportunity would I get back together with her. I took a bit to think about it (rushing an answer usually gets an unintentional lie/denial), and ultimately said No. There’s no way I could take her back… not even as a Friend, as there is just no way I could trust her again, or give her any opportunity to hurt me. (Besides, any apology on her part now would be “Way-too-little-Waaaaay-Too-Fuckin-Late) Plus, I am really not into the whole “break-up-get-back-together” thing. I never have. If you break up, you break up for a reason. Yet, she’s even the 1 person that I made the exception for… she broke up with me, 15 hours later came back crying and apologizing, and I let her… and that’s when things REALLY went downhill with a vengeance.

I’m still upset over the lies, the betrayal…everything. It’s still at the point that I can’t even go look at some of the profile pages of some friends on Myspace… cause she’s there in their “top friends”, and it honestly hurts to look at her picture, or even see her name. I’m still trying to consciously force myself to write and say her actual name (rather than my *ahem* “colorful” terms that I’ve used)… whether its to actually be more comfortable with it… or just *look* like I’m more comfortable with it, I don’t know. (I won’t write it on here, as this is done as an “anonymous” forum… and MY real name isn’t even on here. The alias “Victor Riley” is another story for another time.)

But yet… I *WAS* doing really well for a long time… and I *was* getting more comfortable with it. I’ve been occasionally dating and been earnestly keeping an eye out, wanting to open myself up to someone new. Why I’m reverting back to the pain of this whole thing, I have no clue. Is it Spring in the air? Is it my relatives constantly asking, “So, are you seeing anyone?” Is it just that I don’t have a current “crush”? Is it something else entirely?

I try to consider that at least one possible Good Thing that came out of it… I made a list, a very specific one, of exactly what I want in a partner/lover. I didn’t want to just say, “Oh, you know… someone “nice”, “kind”, and that loves me… blah blah”. No, that crap wasn’t cutting it anymore. I got freaking DETAILED on this. A pretty long list, actually… broken up into 4 categories: Personality, Dating/Courting Practices, Future Plans, and Sex. (Most people want to hear about the Sex one… I wonder why?) Listing it out like this did give me a more specific idea of what I will and will NOT put up with anymore… as well as realizing potential “dealbreakers” that I never realized I had before.

I will not deny that some things on the list are just a direct rebellion against my experiences with “her”… Though I should point out… that the majority of our relationship was great (at least *I* thought so… I never heard otherwise from her)… and it was only in the last month that this all turned around (when someone *new* started to give her attention. There wasn’t anything wrong with My attention… it just wasn’t *new*). But she was a great girlfriend, I was in love (the only one I ever declared it to)… and physically she’s still someone I would consider Beautiful. (Too bad I can’t stand to look at her.) Just circumstances and decisions made in that short time… were just the wrong ones. Hooo boy, were they the wrong ones.

And getting back to the list… it may be TOO specific. I may seem too picky with it. Although, as a counter-argument to that… I’ve tried my whole life to be a damn good person… the “nice guy” that knowingly always finishes last, yet still tries to be nice… so I think that maybe I have the right to be picky… and I actually deserve someone that deserves me. So nyah. *ppbbbtthhhhllllttt*

But for instance… I never used to care about religious beliefs. I myself am Agnostic/Atheist, but always supported and encouraged the different beliefs in my partners. And “she” is very Catholic… goes to church every week. And I encouraged her to go… even reminded her, but never went myself (save for one uncomfortable evening). Well… then she broke up with me for the “religious reasons” (which came out of left field for me)… but then came back, saying it really wasn’t a big deal, it was a bad reason, we can work through it etc. Then after the final breakup… a few months after it, actually… it got back to me via the grapevine that she was telling some people that the reason we broke up was because *I* “didn’t respect her religion”. Now… personally I found that to be very insulting. “Respect” doesn’t mean “Agree”… and think I was VERY respectful to her religion. I never talked down about it, I never insulted it. But that’s apparently what she was saying. Sure, maybe she was just looking for a quick easy answer to tell people when she didn’t want to talk about it… I can understand that. One could say, “We weren’t the same religion, and that’s important to me.”… which is completely true… COMPLETELY understandable, and I couldn’t fault her or anyone for that. But saying I was disrespectful of her religion… is pinning it all on me… and is frankly, a flat-out lie. And hearing of that… only solidified my personal position AGAINST religion… and it is now a conscious turn-off when I hear that someone IS religious in their life. Even though I know not everyone is like that. The fact that I’m now turned against it… instead of accepting of it… kinda bugs me.

And come to think of it… another thing I’ve been afraid of… is this whole thing not making me a “nice guy” anymore. You know… with the James Bond movies… as much as I love to watch them, I never got the whole “misogynist womanizing” part of him. Never understood it… then I went through all of this… and read “Casino Royale” (and saw the movie)… and I think I do. Bond fell in love…deeply cared for Vesper Lynd… and she betrayed him, henceforth… misogynistic womanizer, using women just for sex, etc. Maybe its hard to put into words, but that anger you get from what you feel to be a huge betrayal, makes you want to lash out and just “use” others, maybe as a form of revenge that will never be satiated. I now notice that I’m keeping myself in check a bit, as I’ve had the urges to do just that every now and then (but stopping before I act on them).

Guess I’ve had “my Vesper”… I just hope when I get my “Tracy” some bald guy in a neck-brace doesn’t shoot her in the head on our honeymoon… (though I think that’s deviating from the metaphor…)

I tell ya… if I could find affordable therapy around here, I’d still be doing it. One of my big reasons for starting the therapy in the first place (in Los Angeles) was because I didn’t want to carry any mistrust or anger that I have from this failed relationship… into my next one (whenever it may be). Yet, I’m being so cautious and mistrusting now… sometimes I’m not so sure I won’t do that. Yeah, it’s a great saying, “Love like you’ve never been hurt”… sounds great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker… but in reality… it is probably one of the HARDEST things imaginable, and not so simple.

Sometimes its hard to talk to friends about this… as when you hear about someone’s problems and experiences, you often want to inject your own thoughts/experiences/etc, maybe to “connect” with the person… or whatnot. And if I tried to talk to my brothers, I’d probably just get a ‘Damn it, get over it!” and that would be that.

Gee, thanks Dr. Phil. Too bad it doesn’t actually work like that. Do me a favor, reader… try to avoid saying, “Just get over it”… cause it’s never that simple. It never actually gets to the root of *why* the person isn’t “over it”. Granted, 1% of the time it is something that needs to be heard (it’s happened to me)… but generally speaking: Doesn’t work.

But Therapy was nice because you have someone who’s just listening, only. Not interjecting… just letting you talk and trying to understand. (Likewise, it taught me how to be a better listener. There’s at least one more good thing!) So, in lieu of therapy… I blog.

I wonder if this is something I’m always going to carry around in a part of me... it’s been so long even now, but still hurts. And the hardest day I went through last year was the one time I ran into her at a mutual friend’s wedding. I knew it was going to happen, and tried to prepare myself… but felt a number of times like I “wasn’t going to make it”… whether that means breaking down and crying, exploding in a succession of curses, or covering myself in the wedding cake frosting and skipping around the reception yelling, “I’m a choo-choo train!”… I’m not really sure. (My luck, it’s probably closer to the choo-choo train scenario…) Even though all we did was exchange a “Hello” (and I ended up sitting directly behind her during the ceremony)… I felt so uncomfortable the entire day and evening… only going through it because I didn’t want to miss my friend get married. I just did everything I could to occupy myself, yet it seemed like every time I turned around, she was nearby.

Reminds me of an episode of “Sex & The City”… the main character was obsessing/lamenting over a breakup, and the Redhead (Miranda) gets fed up, yells “Get over it!” and storms off. Later, Miranda sees an old Ex…one that cheated on her, and is STILL with the woman he cheated on her with. She quickly bolts and hides, can’t bring herself to see or be seen by them. She shows up later saying, “I was wrong. Take all the time you need.”

I kind of identify with that.

[Yeah, I did it… I made references to James Bond AND Sex & the City in the same blog post. Boo ya.]

Yeah, sometimes I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again… try to “make peace” or apologize or whatever. Hell, sometimes I wonder if she ever heard of or hears of this and reads it. Has it given a new perspective of how I felt or feel? Whatever, I don’t know. Maybe subconsciously I do want it… but like I said… it’d still be too little, too late.

(Though, if Scumsucker ever tries to contact me… I *will* circumvent his throat twice with a razor, bisect him from the crotch to the chest, flay his skin open, pull out his internal organs and place them over his left shoulder. I’m just saying… *ten points if you can guess the reference!*)

I’m thinking this will pass when I find someone worthy of being my Crush. Maybe I should just focus more on my Hollywood Dream Girl and stick in the realm of fantasy more often to help. Who knows? Right now, I’m just trying to force myself to think of other things… focus on advancing the dreams and plans… hoping it hurts less and less each day.

Thanks for reading.

2 comments:

ValancyJane said...

At a certain point, I think distraction is fine. That "certain point" being that you've thought about it enough to know where (if at all) you went wrong, what lessons are to be taken from the experience, ect. That sort of processing is necessary, but once it's done, it sometimes leaves you with the habit of thinking about it.
And that's were distraction comes in.
I used to make little lists on notebooks or scraps of paper, listing things, no matter how small, that were pleasant to think about. Let those thoughts be your new habits. Silly, yes, but it worked like a charm.

I'll start you off.

Birds splashing in puddles.
When "new friend requests" on myspace turn out NOT to be spambots.
The smell of old books, right down in the spine.
The strange looks people give you when you smell an old book.
A bruiseless apple.
Those few seconds right after a first kiss, when it's very quiet, and breathy.
Trips you plan, that you may or may not ever actually take.
Dangly earrings. You may have to take my word for it on that one. Or maybe you don't have to. I don't judge.
When a friend buys you lunch. There is something so symbolic about buying someone food, that it's worth far more than the cost or the time.
Stretching down to your toes. Try it now. See?

BaddMinton said...

I find that I obsess over someone until I find someone else who I like even more. And sometimes it takes a looooong time to find that someone. It's OK that it's taking you a long time to get over her, but it doesn't mean you never will. You'll meet someone better, and suddenly one day you'll be going about your day thinking about this new person, and you'll realize that all your strong feelings for your ex are suddenly replaced with a bemused detachment... or something. It's a good feeling. Meanwhile, focus on having fun with your friends and doing things for yourself and enjoying being single. I like the idea of lists; my favorite kind is the "Why I Love Being Single" list. Don't let singlehood pass you by without enjoying it, because there are some really good things about it that you'll probably miss someday.

And OH MY GOSH, valancyjane, you are so right on about the moment after a first kiss. Wow.