I had always thought I would be married and having my first kid by age 32.
I got involved in Theatre initially as a way to get out of the house and away from my family, then came to love it with a passion.
I love the show Cleopatra 2525... the only difference between it and Porn is that after watching Porn... I don't feel guilty.
I sometimes feel jealous of people that drink/are drinking. It seems like they have so much more fun than I do.
If I didn't go to school for Theatre, I would have gone to culinary school to be a chef.
I rarely consciously know what to say.
While I've always been comfortable with my sexuality (straight), and have no problem with sex topics... it's only in the last year or so that I've started to consider *myself* a "sexual being". (not sure if that makes sense)
Sometimes I feel like I failed.
I often take statements much harder than I let on.
Its almost impossible to purposely insult me... but easy to do it accidentally.
I'm also easily satisfied with partners. Sometimes too easy.
My imagination can run away... and not in good ways.
I'm not religious... or spiritual... or put much stock in Tarot cards, psychics, etc... but I have a set of Viking Runes that I consult when I'm confused or just curious of the future or how to handle a situation.
I want to have a crush on someone like I did when I was a sophomore in high school.
I own 3 pairs of vecro handcuffs, vibrators and two sets of nipple clamps that I got from 2 places... a promo function at a Sex shop... and a Movie Premiere party for an adult film. Haven't used them yet. (Don't think I want to use the nipple clamps... ow!)
I consider myself to have a "superhero complex".
There's a few select individuals that I regret NOT causing them physical pain.
Sometimes I want to know what its like to treat people like dirt, but have everyone love me anyway. It's a contradiction I've seen exist, but can never understand.
I wish I was more confident.
Women in smart-looking business suits turn me on to no end.
Sometimes, I like being on the inside of the spoon.
I like to go to the movies alone.
I was voted the Shyest in my 8th Grade class...
...& most everyone that knew of me was completely shocked when I started doing theatre. I appeared to do a complete 180…
…though at the time, I really didn’t.
I love good horror movies, and am fascinated by what scares people. I think one of the best ways to know a culture or person, is to know what scares them.
I've never made assumptions or judgments on people when hearing about their past sexual history. I have, however, done so when hearing about their religion.
I really believe that the combination of my favorite band and my old cat saved my life in High School.
I'm the youngest in my family, and the first to move out on my own.
I am listed on the Internet Movie Database
I lost my virginity at age 20.
I wish I had things in common with my father.
I actually enjoyed going to therapy... for all the reasons I'm NOT supposed to enjoy it.
The sexiest lingerie to me is either boy shorts and a t-shirt, or pajama pants and a tank top.
I wish past girlfriends had wanted to borrow and wear my shirts.
I seem to handle crises with more calm and coolness than I ever thought I’d be able to.
Working for a Children’s Theatre Group in California for 5 summers was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had.
I prefer to get STD testing when I have no reason to.
I’ve written a 10 page “Application to Date Me”… and even though it was done jokingly, I sometimes actually think it’s a good idea.
I check Postsecret every week, and have for about 2 years now.
6.21.2007
5.23.2007
“to dwell on” – Transitive Verb
I feel like I’m dwelling. And I hate it. I don’t want to do it… and I try not to… but lately, it keeps popping into my head, and it’s really getting to me.
Now I know I haven’t had that many posts on here (this is the 4th), but right now… HALF of what is here connects back to that certain someone and the “Great Hurt of Something Awful” from a freaking year and a half ago. (and another makes a reference) And with the “Closure” post, I thought that might be that. And even in the last one, I mention how “I’m over it, I’m healed.” Maybe not. Wow, that’s frustrating.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that Spring is now in full bloom (“when a young man’s fancy turns to love”)… but “she” keeps popping into my head, and I absolutely hate it.
Now, it’s not because I still have “feelings” for her… (unless you count “contempt”). When I was doing therapy, I was asked if I had the opportunity would I get back together with her. I took a bit to think about it (rushing an answer usually gets an unintentional lie/denial), and ultimately said No. There’s no way I could take her back… not even as a Friend, as there is just no way I could trust her again, or give her any opportunity to hurt me. (Besides, any apology on her part now would be “Way-too-little-Waaaaay-Too-Fuckin-Late) Plus, I am really not into the whole “break-up-get-back-together” thing. I never have. If you break up, you break up for a reason. Yet, she’s even the 1 person that I made the exception for… she broke up with me, 15 hours later came back crying and apologizing, and I let her… and that’s when things REALLY went downhill with a vengeance.
I’m still upset over the lies, the betrayal…everything. It’s still at the point that I can’t even go look at some of the profile pages of some friends on Myspace… cause she’s there in their “top friends”, and it honestly hurts to look at her picture, or even see her name. I’m still trying to consciously force myself to write and say her actual name (rather than my *ahem* “colorful” terms that I’ve used)… whether its to actually be more comfortable with it… or just *look* like I’m more comfortable with it, I don’t know. (I won’t write it on here, as this is done as an “anonymous” forum… and MY real name isn’t even on here. The alias “Victor Riley” is another story for another time.)
But yet… I *WAS* doing really well for a long time… and I *was* getting more comfortable with it. I’ve been occasionally dating and been earnestly keeping an eye out, wanting to open myself up to someone new. Why I’m reverting back to the pain of this whole thing, I have no clue. Is it Spring in the air? Is it my relatives constantly asking, “So, are you seeing anyone?” Is it just that I don’t have a current “crush”? Is it something else entirely?
I try to consider that at least one possible Good Thing that came out of it… I made a list, a very specific one, of exactly what I want in a partner/lover. I didn’t want to just say, “Oh, you know… someone “nice”, “kind”, and that loves me… blah blah”. No, that crap wasn’t cutting it anymore. I got freaking DETAILED on this. A pretty long list, actually… broken up into 4 categories: Personality, Dating/Courting Practices, Future Plans, and Sex. (Most people want to hear about the Sex one… I wonder why?) Listing it out like this did give me a more specific idea of what I will and will NOT put up with anymore… as well as realizing potential “dealbreakers” that I never realized I had before.
I will not deny that some things on the list are just a direct rebellion against my experiences with “her”… Though I should point out… that the majority of our relationship was great (at least *I* thought so… I never heard otherwise from her)… and it was only in the last month that this all turned around (when someone *new* started to give her attention. There wasn’t anything wrong with My attention… it just wasn’t *new*). But she was a great girlfriend, I was in love (the only one I ever declared it to)… and physically she’s still someone I would consider Beautiful. (Too bad I can’t stand to look at her.) Just circumstances and decisions made in that short time… were just the wrong ones. Hooo boy, were they the wrong ones.
And getting back to the list… it may be TOO specific. I may seem too picky with it. Although, as a counter-argument to that… I’ve tried my whole life to be a damn good person… the “nice guy” that knowingly always finishes last, yet still tries to be nice… so I think that maybe I have the right to be picky… and I actually deserve someone that deserves me. So nyah. *ppbbbtthhhhllllttt*
But for instance… I never used to care about religious beliefs. I myself am Agnostic/Atheist, but always supported and encouraged the different beliefs in my partners. And “she” is very Catholic… goes to church every week. And I encouraged her to go… even reminded her, but never went myself (save for one uncomfortable evening). Well… then she broke up with me for the “religious reasons” (which came out of left field for me)… but then came back, saying it really wasn’t a big deal, it was a bad reason, we can work through it etc. Then after the final breakup… a few months after it, actually… it got back to me via the grapevine that she was telling some people that the reason we broke up was because *I* “didn’t respect her religion”. Now… personally I found that to be very insulting. “Respect” doesn’t mean “Agree”… and think I was VERY respectful to her religion. I never talked down about it, I never insulted it. But that’s apparently what she was saying. Sure, maybe she was just looking for a quick easy answer to tell people when she didn’t want to talk about it… I can understand that. One could say, “We weren’t the same religion, and that’s important to me.”… which is completely true… COMPLETELY understandable, and I couldn’t fault her or anyone for that. But saying I was disrespectful of her religion… is pinning it all on me… and is frankly, a flat-out lie. And hearing of that… only solidified my personal position AGAINST religion… and it is now a conscious turn-off when I hear that someone IS religious in their life. Even though I know not everyone is like that. The fact that I’m now turned against it… instead of accepting of it… kinda bugs me.
And come to think of it… another thing I’ve been afraid of… is this whole thing not making me a “nice guy” anymore. You know… with the James Bond movies… as much as I love to watch them, I never got the whole “misogynist womanizing” part of him. Never understood it… then I went through all of this… and read “Casino Royale” (and saw the movie)… and I think I do. Bond fell in love…deeply cared for Vesper Lynd… and she betrayed him, henceforth… misogynistic womanizer, using women just for sex, etc. Maybe its hard to put into words, but that anger you get from what you feel to be a huge betrayal, makes you want to lash out and just “use” others, maybe as a form of revenge that will never be satiated. I now notice that I’m keeping myself in check a bit, as I’ve had the urges to do just that every now and then (but stopping before I act on them).
Guess I’ve had “my Vesper”… I just hope when I get my “Tracy” some bald guy in a neck-brace doesn’t shoot her in the head on our honeymoon… (though I think that’s deviating from the metaphor…)
I tell ya… if I could find affordable therapy around here, I’d still be doing it. One of my big reasons for starting the therapy in the first place (in Los Angeles) was because I didn’t want to carry any mistrust or anger that I have from this failed relationship… into my next one (whenever it may be). Yet, I’m being so cautious and mistrusting now… sometimes I’m not so sure I won’t do that. Yeah, it’s a great saying, “Love like you’ve never been hurt”… sounds great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker… but in reality… it is probably one of the HARDEST things imaginable, and not so simple.
Sometimes its hard to talk to friends about this… as when you hear about someone’s problems and experiences, you often want to inject your own thoughts/experiences/etc, maybe to “connect” with the person… or whatnot. And if I tried to talk to my brothers, I’d probably just get a ‘Damn it, get over it!” and that would be that.
Gee, thanks Dr. Phil. Too bad it doesn’t actually work like that. Do me a favor, reader… try to avoid saying, “Just get over it”… cause it’s never that simple. It never actually gets to the root of *why* the person isn’t “over it”. Granted, 1% of the time it is something that needs to be heard (it’s happened to me)… but generally speaking: Doesn’t work.
But Therapy was nice because you have someone who’s just listening, only. Not interjecting… just letting you talk and trying to understand. (Likewise, it taught me how to be a better listener. There’s at least one more good thing!) So, in lieu of therapy… I blog.
I wonder if this is something I’m always going to carry around in a part of me... it’s been so long even now, but still hurts. And the hardest day I went through last year was the one time I ran into her at a mutual friend’s wedding. I knew it was going to happen, and tried to prepare myself… but felt a number of times like I “wasn’t going to make it”… whether that means breaking down and crying, exploding in a succession of curses, or covering myself in the wedding cake frosting and skipping around the reception yelling, “I’m a choo-choo train!”… I’m not really sure. (My luck, it’s probably closer to the choo-choo train scenario…) Even though all we did was exchange a “Hello” (and I ended up sitting directly behind her during the ceremony)… I felt so uncomfortable the entire day and evening… only going through it because I didn’t want to miss my friend get married. I just did everything I could to occupy myself, yet it seemed like every time I turned around, she was nearby.
Reminds me of an episode of “Sex & The City”… the main character was obsessing/lamenting over a breakup, and the Redhead (Miranda) gets fed up, yells “Get over it!” and storms off. Later, Miranda sees an old Ex…one that cheated on her, and is STILL with the woman he cheated on her with. She quickly bolts and hides, can’t bring herself to see or be seen by them. She shows up later saying, “I was wrong. Take all the time you need.”
I kind of identify with that.
[Yeah, I did it… I made references to James Bond AND Sex & the City in the same blog post. Boo ya.]
Yeah, sometimes I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again… try to “make peace” or apologize or whatever. Hell, sometimes I wonder if she ever heard of or hears of this and reads it. Has it given a new perspective of how I felt or feel? Whatever, I don’t know. Maybe subconsciously I do want it… but like I said… it’d still be too little, too late.
(Though, if Scumsucker ever tries to contact me… I *will* circumvent his throat twice with a razor, bisect him from the crotch to the chest, flay his skin open, pull out his internal organs and place them over his left shoulder. I’m just saying… *ten points if you can guess the reference!*)
I’m thinking this will pass when I find someone worthy of being my Crush. Maybe I should just focus more on my Hollywood Dream Girl and stick in the realm of fantasy more often to help. Who knows? Right now, I’m just trying to force myself to think of other things… focus on advancing the dreams and plans… hoping it hurts less and less each day.
Thanks for reading.
Now I know I haven’t had that many posts on here (this is the 4th), but right now… HALF of what is here connects back to that certain someone and the “Great Hurt of Something Awful” from a freaking year and a half ago. (and another makes a reference) And with the “Closure” post, I thought that might be that. And even in the last one, I mention how “I’m over it, I’m healed.” Maybe not. Wow, that’s frustrating.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that Spring is now in full bloom (“when a young man’s fancy turns to love”)… but “she” keeps popping into my head, and I absolutely hate it.
Now, it’s not because I still have “feelings” for her… (unless you count “contempt”). When I was doing therapy, I was asked if I had the opportunity would I get back together with her. I took a bit to think about it (rushing an answer usually gets an unintentional lie/denial), and ultimately said No. There’s no way I could take her back… not even as a Friend, as there is just no way I could trust her again, or give her any opportunity to hurt me. (Besides, any apology on her part now would be “Way-too-little-Waaaaay-Too-Fuckin-Late) Plus, I am really not into the whole “break-up-get-back-together” thing. I never have. If you break up, you break up for a reason. Yet, she’s even the 1 person that I made the exception for… she broke up with me, 15 hours later came back crying and apologizing, and I let her… and that’s when things REALLY went downhill with a vengeance.
I’m still upset over the lies, the betrayal…everything. It’s still at the point that I can’t even go look at some of the profile pages of some friends on Myspace… cause she’s there in their “top friends”, and it honestly hurts to look at her picture, or even see her name. I’m still trying to consciously force myself to write and say her actual name (rather than my *ahem* “colorful” terms that I’ve used)… whether its to actually be more comfortable with it… or just *look* like I’m more comfortable with it, I don’t know. (I won’t write it on here, as this is done as an “anonymous” forum… and MY real name isn’t even on here. The alias “Victor Riley” is another story for another time.)
But yet… I *WAS* doing really well for a long time… and I *was* getting more comfortable with it. I’ve been occasionally dating and been earnestly keeping an eye out, wanting to open myself up to someone new. Why I’m reverting back to the pain of this whole thing, I have no clue. Is it Spring in the air? Is it my relatives constantly asking, “So, are you seeing anyone?” Is it just that I don’t have a current “crush”? Is it something else entirely?
I try to consider that at least one possible Good Thing that came out of it… I made a list, a very specific one, of exactly what I want in a partner/lover. I didn’t want to just say, “Oh, you know… someone “nice”, “kind”, and that loves me… blah blah”. No, that crap wasn’t cutting it anymore. I got freaking DETAILED on this. A pretty long list, actually… broken up into 4 categories: Personality, Dating/Courting Practices, Future Plans, and Sex. (Most people want to hear about the Sex one… I wonder why?) Listing it out like this did give me a more specific idea of what I will and will NOT put up with anymore… as well as realizing potential “dealbreakers” that I never realized I had before.
I will not deny that some things on the list are just a direct rebellion against my experiences with “her”… Though I should point out… that the majority of our relationship was great (at least *I* thought so… I never heard otherwise from her)… and it was only in the last month that this all turned around (when someone *new* started to give her attention. There wasn’t anything wrong with My attention… it just wasn’t *new*). But she was a great girlfriend, I was in love (the only one I ever declared it to)… and physically she’s still someone I would consider Beautiful. (Too bad I can’t stand to look at her.) Just circumstances and decisions made in that short time… were just the wrong ones. Hooo boy, were they the wrong ones.
And getting back to the list… it may be TOO specific. I may seem too picky with it. Although, as a counter-argument to that… I’ve tried my whole life to be a damn good person… the “nice guy” that knowingly always finishes last, yet still tries to be nice… so I think that maybe I have the right to be picky… and I actually deserve someone that deserves me. So nyah. *ppbbbtthhhhllllttt*
But for instance… I never used to care about religious beliefs. I myself am Agnostic/Atheist, but always supported and encouraged the different beliefs in my partners. And “she” is very Catholic… goes to church every week. And I encouraged her to go… even reminded her, but never went myself (save for one uncomfortable evening). Well… then she broke up with me for the “religious reasons” (which came out of left field for me)… but then came back, saying it really wasn’t a big deal, it was a bad reason, we can work through it etc. Then after the final breakup… a few months after it, actually… it got back to me via the grapevine that she was telling some people that the reason we broke up was because *I* “didn’t respect her religion”. Now… personally I found that to be very insulting. “Respect” doesn’t mean “Agree”… and think I was VERY respectful to her religion. I never talked down about it, I never insulted it. But that’s apparently what she was saying. Sure, maybe she was just looking for a quick easy answer to tell people when she didn’t want to talk about it… I can understand that. One could say, “We weren’t the same religion, and that’s important to me.”… which is completely true… COMPLETELY understandable, and I couldn’t fault her or anyone for that. But saying I was disrespectful of her religion… is pinning it all on me… and is frankly, a flat-out lie. And hearing of that… only solidified my personal position AGAINST religion… and it is now a conscious turn-off when I hear that someone IS religious in their life. Even though I know not everyone is like that. The fact that I’m now turned against it… instead of accepting of it… kinda bugs me.
And come to think of it… another thing I’ve been afraid of… is this whole thing not making me a “nice guy” anymore. You know… with the James Bond movies… as much as I love to watch them, I never got the whole “misogynist womanizing” part of him. Never understood it… then I went through all of this… and read “Casino Royale” (and saw the movie)… and I think I do. Bond fell in love…deeply cared for Vesper Lynd… and she betrayed him, henceforth… misogynistic womanizer, using women just for sex, etc. Maybe its hard to put into words, but that anger you get from what you feel to be a huge betrayal, makes you want to lash out and just “use” others, maybe as a form of revenge that will never be satiated. I now notice that I’m keeping myself in check a bit, as I’ve had the urges to do just that every now and then (but stopping before I act on them).
Guess I’ve had “my Vesper”… I just hope when I get my “Tracy” some bald guy in a neck-brace doesn’t shoot her in the head on our honeymoon… (though I think that’s deviating from the metaphor…)
I tell ya… if I could find affordable therapy around here, I’d still be doing it. One of my big reasons for starting the therapy in the first place (in Los Angeles) was because I didn’t want to carry any mistrust or anger that I have from this failed relationship… into my next one (whenever it may be). Yet, I’m being so cautious and mistrusting now… sometimes I’m not so sure I won’t do that. Yeah, it’s a great saying, “Love like you’ve never been hurt”… sounds great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker… but in reality… it is probably one of the HARDEST things imaginable, and not so simple.
Sometimes its hard to talk to friends about this… as when you hear about someone’s problems and experiences, you often want to inject your own thoughts/experiences/etc, maybe to “connect” with the person… or whatnot. And if I tried to talk to my brothers, I’d probably just get a ‘Damn it, get over it!” and that would be that.
Gee, thanks Dr. Phil. Too bad it doesn’t actually work like that. Do me a favor, reader… try to avoid saying, “Just get over it”… cause it’s never that simple. It never actually gets to the root of *why* the person isn’t “over it”. Granted, 1% of the time it is something that needs to be heard (it’s happened to me)… but generally speaking: Doesn’t work.
But Therapy was nice because you have someone who’s just listening, only. Not interjecting… just letting you talk and trying to understand. (Likewise, it taught me how to be a better listener. There’s at least one more good thing!) So, in lieu of therapy… I blog.
I wonder if this is something I’m always going to carry around in a part of me... it’s been so long even now, but still hurts. And the hardest day I went through last year was the one time I ran into her at a mutual friend’s wedding. I knew it was going to happen, and tried to prepare myself… but felt a number of times like I “wasn’t going to make it”… whether that means breaking down and crying, exploding in a succession of curses, or covering myself in the wedding cake frosting and skipping around the reception yelling, “I’m a choo-choo train!”… I’m not really sure. (My luck, it’s probably closer to the choo-choo train scenario…) Even though all we did was exchange a “Hello” (and I ended up sitting directly behind her during the ceremony)… I felt so uncomfortable the entire day and evening… only going through it because I didn’t want to miss my friend get married. I just did everything I could to occupy myself, yet it seemed like every time I turned around, she was nearby.
Reminds me of an episode of “Sex & The City”… the main character was obsessing/lamenting over a breakup, and the Redhead (Miranda) gets fed up, yells “Get over it!” and storms off. Later, Miranda sees an old Ex…one that cheated on her, and is STILL with the woman he cheated on her with. She quickly bolts and hides, can’t bring herself to see or be seen by them. She shows up later saying, “I was wrong. Take all the time you need.”
I kind of identify with that.
[Yeah, I did it… I made references to James Bond AND Sex & the City in the same blog post. Boo ya.]
Yeah, sometimes I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again… try to “make peace” or apologize or whatever. Hell, sometimes I wonder if she ever heard of or hears of this and reads it. Has it given a new perspective of how I felt or feel? Whatever, I don’t know. Maybe subconsciously I do want it… but like I said… it’d still be too little, too late.
(Though, if Scumsucker ever tries to contact me… I *will* circumvent his throat twice with a razor, bisect him from the crotch to the chest, flay his skin open, pull out his internal organs and place them over his left shoulder. I’m just saying… *ten points if you can guess the reference!*)
I’m thinking this will pass when I find someone worthy of being my Crush. Maybe I should just focus more on my Hollywood Dream Girl and stick in the realm of fantasy more often to help. Who knows? Right now, I’m just trying to force myself to think of other things… focus on advancing the dreams and plans… hoping it hurts less and less each day.
Thanks for reading.
3.17.2007
I'm Tired of This Shite!
Alright… I’m officially *fed up*.
I actually found someone that I was interested in. In a romantic sense.
Now, those two statements look like a bit of an oxymoron. “Wait… you have a crush? That’s a good thing… isn’t it?”
Yes, it is. I think it’s a VERY good thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve met anyone that has held my interest like that. I actually started to get *hopeful*. And furthermore… this was someone I met on the Internet. Even suffering all my past gauntlets of Internet meeting/dating… from homemade dumplings shoved down my gullet to seemingly pleasant meetings that result in never hearing from that person again… I kept trying it. Thinking that the east coast would be different from the west coast (in terms of saner selections), I figured I’d give it one more go-around… and it looked like it actually was about to pay off.
I met someone. Yes, it’s the internet, so there is the point that we’ve actually never met *in person*… which sounds pathetic… but in this 21st century that we now live… the idea really just elicits a shrug and a “eh… it happens” from a lot of people.
Now I was never trying to get my hopes up… I’m a very cautious creature nowadays, and spell out very clearly early on with most everyone that I take things very slow. Snails look at me and say, “Sweet Screaming Jesus, pick up the pace, will ya?” And one individual that I met on one particular “meeting site” had a picture that makes you look twice. And you’ll look a third just because you can. And not that far from where I’m now living. In our correspondence… we seemed to react favorably towards one another. Every few days I’d receive an e-mail from her. Sometimes I’d sit on it for a day, sometimes write something that evening. After 2 days or so, she’d write back. Nice, easy, relaxed way of introducing. I’m okay with this. Then we start to chat on AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), and we exchanged regular e-mails.
In our chats and e-mails… we seem to connect. We seem to have quite a few things in common, and we seem to make each other smile. (Providing you buy the little smiley face icons as being genuine… ) Anytime the conversation started to veer into the definite “friends only” type of conversations that I know so well… I tried to nip it in the bud. Saying, “sorry… I don’t want to hear that, because then I’ll ONLY be thought of as a friend. And I don’t want to be demoted like that just yet.” She actually responded to this saying that she was worried that *her* feelings weren’t going to be mutual… etc. So, by her own admission… SHE’S interested. And has written on a number of occasions… “You’re just the type of guy I could fall in love with.” Hey… things are looking pretty spiffy for me!
What I know about her at this point is this: She’s 27 (in my age range, hallelujah)… a schoolteacher of 8th graders… doesn’t drink (another hallelujah)… is Irish (as in from Ireland), and has been here in America for 8 years. Those are the main points. She says she’s online most evenings around 7pm. Now I rarely use AIM… but consciously found myself purposefully logging on around that time in hopes of catching her on… (or letting her catch me on) so we could chat more. Now with this going on… the e-mails dropped off. Or I should say… my e-mails went unanswered. I can usually understand this… why bother to write when we’re going to chat in real-time anyway? No problem.
We exchange phone numbers. One night I call her, get her voice mail… I leave a message. Don’t hear anything till a few days later when we’re online. Not a returned phone call… another on-line chat. *shrug* No biggie… she’ll call when she feels up to it. She said she wasn’t feeling well at times, so maybe her voice isn’t up to par these days, and it hurts to talk.
Now you’ll probably realize I’m already doing something I do a LOT. Making excuses for people. Or maybe not so much making excuses… but cutting a lot of slack. Warranted or not… Being fair or being a sucker… I tend to do that, and intend to do it less.
Now I knew meeting might be a slight logistical annoyance… I was starting a new job, and once training was done, the regular hours would be on the weekends. But that was AFTER the training.
Now there are a few things I don’t know about her. Such as the town she lives in (so I have an idea how far apart we are)… and I would also like to know her last name. My e-mail displays my full name, and I had knowingly mentioned what it is to her… and since I have a fairly unique last name, if you google it (as I know MANY people to do… don’t want to go hooking up with a convicted serial killer), with all the results you get, there’s a 99% chance that the any one you pick is either me or someone related to me. And with all my activities over the years, I got in a number of papers and places that found their way onto the web. So it’s not hard to locate me in a virtual sense. You can find pictures of me, my Myspace, blogs I’ve posted to, friends that name me, clubs I’ve been in, productions I’ve worked on, etc. Hell, I’m on the Internet Movie Database (http://www.imdb.com) from crying out loud.
Now, I’m not saying I expect to find out as much info on her as she can on me… or even that I intend to do a full background check. But a last name is important. It’s identity. It separates you from all the other Jens, Joes, Carls, Emilys and whatever that are out there. Sure, there’s 354,048 Ashleys out there… but only one Ashley Mortnick. (Or maybe none… as I just made that name up) But you see what I mean. And I want to know about HER, and know HER identity. May seem like a small detail that’s easily forgettable… but I think it’s important.
Well, that inquiry went unanswered. I even dropped an e-mail again to her saying “Hi… how are you? Hope to hear back from you, and hear your response to my last e-mail. Blah blah.” (Turns out… I sent a few e-mails to her… each a few or several days apart that went unanswered) And I was still logging on to AIM every night around the same time. Nothing. Now, since she “ghosts” (logs on without being seen by everyone), she would have to contact ME when we were on together. And now… She seemed to disappear. And I realized this disappearing act just as I was starting to mention to friends about how there was finally someone I was actually interested in… and looking forward to meeting.
I guess… she lost interest? Seems so… as I was never asking for a long drawn-out e-mail… just a quick two minute note, saying, “I’ve been really busy, hope to chat soon!” One time, I tried to message her on AIM and it went through… showing she WAS on… and no response. ????
Now… I know about being busy. All too well. But I also know that no matter how busy I am… if I really want to… I can make time to write a quick “I’m thinking about you” note to someone. Even just as a courtesy. And I know I said I like to “take things slow”… but that doesn’t mean extended periods of time between initial contact and official dating status with same amount of conversations in between. That just means *more* conversations… and more “getting to know” someone before said “official status” commences.
So, I hear nothing… no return phone call from the initial one made way back when… no quick e-mails… no messages on AIM at the times when she’s always supposed to be on. It apparently feels like I’m suddenly being ignored.
Then, I get an e-mail. It says, “((hugs him as she sees him)) Hi there! Haven’t seen you online in a while. I was thinking you found someone else to be interested in. Hope to talk to you soon!”
Okay, my reply was not really on the “kind” side. I had to ask… am I just being played? *I’m* not online? I made EVERY effort to contact her and make myself available for contact. And now it’s just a “oh darn, we didn’t catch each other. Oh well, everything’s fine now!” It’s feeling like she is exuding NO effort whatsoever… not even minimal. So, quite frankly, this is starting to marginally resemble the actions of someone else I used to know, and no longer care to.
I hear nothing for a few days… and she messages me one evening. With another “((hugs him as she sees him))”… personally, I don’t understand this form of descriptive action… but hey, some people do that. Now, I’m looking at my screen with a “What the hell” kind of contempt. She writes that she read my letter… was very surprised by it… and I even made her start to cry. I have no intention of issuing an apology… at least until I get some kind of apology from her for the lack on contact.
We chat a bit about why I felt that way… She says she thought that since SHE was feeling sick, and so was I (yes, but I still go near my computer!)… and since I worked weekends (which I hadn’t at that point)… I let her in on my past experiences and why I may seem so untrusting. She thinks she’s competing with a ghost… which isn’t the case… I just learned from the past. I’m over it... I’ve healed, just have no desire to repeat it. But according to her, I need to “think about things” and decide what I really want (meaning, do I really want to pursue something with HER).
Now… that’s something that kind of annoys me. I’m always hearing that I’m the one that “needs to think about things”. Bullshit! I’m ALWAYS thinking about things… hell, I *overthink* things (as many that know me may tell).
I don’t need to think about ANYTHING. I know what I want… and I’m just wondering if I’m going to get it. That’s for HER to answer and demonstrate.
Maybe that got through to her… and we end that chat with her needing to walk her dog, but that I can “call her anytime”. I ask if we can talk that evening later on. She says sure. A little after 9:00pm I call her, and she actually picks up. And we actually chat… finally hearing her voice for the first time.
And she has a THICK Irish brogue.
For a few seconds I actually wonder to myself… “is this for real?” Something about it just seemed a bit odd… like it was *too much*, you know? Now the only evidence I heard of her voice up till this point was the message on her voice mail. Which sounded more American then ME, quite frankly. No hint of an accent. Granted, it was a quick message, and hard to tell. I doubt it was someone else making a message for her… the tone and pitch were the same… but just no accent. Whether she was putting on the fake voice at the message or now in the conversation… I have no clue. Or if there was any fake whatsoever… *shrug* If it is fake… what benefit would come from it? I couldn’t see any reason for it. And it’s not just going on a “feeling” here…
She said she’s been in America for 8 years. I know people from non-English speaking countries that lose their accents in less than 5. Hell, my Mom goes to Canada for two weeks a year, and spends the next 6 putting “ey” at the end of all her sentences. I spent 4 days in London, I spoke with a slight british twinge for a week after. We’re humans… get immersed, we naturally adapt. The only reason you would keep an accent after that time is if it’s on purpose. Take Ah-nold Swartzenhopper… that accent is his selling point. His gimmick. He could speak perfect English if he wants, but then he becomes another unmemorable muscle-head actor. Now, he’s the freaking governor of California. So… why would she have this VERY thick Irish accent?
Regardless… we have a nice conversation. Very pleasant… and we talk about possible places to meet for tea or cocoa or something. I’m still even willing to travel further than she would so she wouldn’t be inconvenienced much. We end the conversation with some possibilities… and she says that I can call her and talk ANYTIME. I ask if I can call again tomorrow around the same time. She says yes. So I do. She doesn’t answer… I leave a message.
Next night, I try ONE more time. I never call anyone more than twice… then it’s up to them to call me back. It’s only right… it’s only polite.
And I haven’t heard anything since.
What does this tell me?
Well, according to the scientific principle of Occam’s Razor:
The simplest explanation is usually the best.
And the simplest explanation is that I’m being played like a game of jacks.
So… I’m officially tired of this bullshit.
If she REALLY wants to chat … she’ll have to call or write to me. If she really wants to meet… SHE will have to go further out of her way and come up to ME. I’m not kissing any more ass. I’m not lifting any more fingers. And it’s not going to be MY loss.
This is FAR from putting my faith back into the female gender.
What the hell?
I actually found someone that I was interested in. In a romantic sense.
Now, those two statements look like a bit of an oxymoron. “Wait… you have a crush? That’s a good thing… isn’t it?”
Yes, it is. I think it’s a VERY good thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve met anyone that has held my interest like that. I actually started to get *hopeful*. And furthermore… this was someone I met on the Internet. Even suffering all my past gauntlets of Internet meeting/dating… from homemade dumplings shoved down my gullet to seemingly pleasant meetings that result in never hearing from that person again… I kept trying it. Thinking that the east coast would be different from the west coast (in terms of saner selections), I figured I’d give it one more go-around… and it looked like it actually was about to pay off.
I met someone. Yes, it’s the internet, so there is the point that we’ve actually never met *in person*… which sounds pathetic… but in this 21st century that we now live… the idea really just elicits a shrug and a “eh… it happens” from a lot of people.
Now I was never trying to get my hopes up… I’m a very cautious creature nowadays, and spell out very clearly early on with most everyone that I take things very slow. Snails look at me and say, “Sweet Screaming Jesus, pick up the pace, will ya?” And one individual that I met on one particular “meeting site” had a picture that makes you look twice. And you’ll look a third just because you can. And not that far from where I’m now living. In our correspondence… we seemed to react favorably towards one another. Every few days I’d receive an e-mail from her. Sometimes I’d sit on it for a day, sometimes write something that evening. After 2 days or so, she’d write back. Nice, easy, relaxed way of introducing. I’m okay with this. Then we start to chat on AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), and we exchanged regular e-mails.
In our chats and e-mails… we seem to connect. We seem to have quite a few things in common, and we seem to make each other smile. (Providing you buy the little smiley face icons as being genuine… ) Anytime the conversation started to veer into the definite “friends only” type of conversations that I know so well… I tried to nip it in the bud. Saying, “sorry… I don’t want to hear that, because then I’ll ONLY be thought of as a friend. And I don’t want to be demoted like that just yet.” She actually responded to this saying that she was worried that *her* feelings weren’t going to be mutual… etc. So, by her own admission… SHE’S interested. And has written on a number of occasions… “You’re just the type of guy I could fall in love with.” Hey… things are looking pretty spiffy for me!
What I know about her at this point is this: She’s 27 (in my age range, hallelujah)… a schoolteacher of 8th graders… doesn’t drink (another hallelujah)… is Irish (as in from Ireland), and has been here in America for 8 years. Those are the main points. She says she’s online most evenings around 7pm. Now I rarely use AIM… but consciously found myself purposefully logging on around that time in hopes of catching her on… (or letting her catch me on) so we could chat more. Now with this going on… the e-mails dropped off. Or I should say… my e-mails went unanswered. I can usually understand this… why bother to write when we’re going to chat in real-time anyway? No problem.
We exchange phone numbers. One night I call her, get her voice mail… I leave a message. Don’t hear anything till a few days later when we’re online. Not a returned phone call… another on-line chat. *shrug* No biggie… she’ll call when she feels up to it. She said she wasn’t feeling well at times, so maybe her voice isn’t up to par these days, and it hurts to talk.
Now you’ll probably realize I’m already doing something I do a LOT. Making excuses for people. Or maybe not so much making excuses… but cutting a lot of slack. Warranted or not… Being fair or being a sucker… I tend to do that, and intend to do it less.
Now I knew meeting might be a slight logistical annoyance… I was starting a new job, and once training was done, the regular hours would be on the weekends. But that was AFTER the training.
Now there are a few things I don’t know about her. Such as the town she lives in (so I have an idea how far apart we are)… and I would also like to know her last name. My e-mail displays my full name, and I had knowingly mentioned what it is to her… and since I have a fairly unique last name, if you google it (as I know MANY people to do… don’t want to go hooking up with a convicted serial killer), with all the results you get, there’s a 99% chance that the any one you pick is either me or someone related to me. And with all my activities over the years, I got in a number of papers and places that found their way onto the web. So it’s not hard to locate me in a virtual sense. You can find pictures of me, my Myspace, blogs I’ve posted to, friends that name me, clubs I’ve been in, productions I’ve worked on, etc. Hell, I’m on the Internet Movie Database (http://www.imdb.com) from crying out loud.
Now, I’m not saying I expect to find out as much info on her as she can on me… or even that I intend to do a full background check. But a last name is important. It’s identity. It separates you from all the other Jens, Joes, Carls, Emilys and whatever that are out there. Sure, there’s 354,048 Ashleys out there… but only one Ashley Mortnick. (Or maybe none… as I just made that name up) But you see what I mean. And I want to know about HER, and know HER identity. May seem like a small detail that’s easily forgettable… but I think it’s important.
Well, that inquiry went unanswered. I even dropped an e-mail again to her saying “Hi… how are you? Hope to hear back from you, and hear your response to my last e-mail. Blah blah.” (Turns out… I sent a few e-mails to her… each a few or several days apart that went unanswered) And I was still logging on to AIM every night around the same time. Nothing. Now, since she “ghosts” (logs on without being seen by everyone), she would have to contact ME when we were on together. And now… She seemed to disappear. And I realized this disappearing act just as I was starting to mention to friends about how there was finally someone I was actually interested in… and looking forward to meeting.
I guess… she lost interest? Seems so… as I was never asking for a long drawn-out e-mail… just a quick two minute note, saying, “I’ve been really busy, hope to chat soon!” One time, I tried to message her on AIM and it went through… showing she WAS on… and no response. ????
Now… I know about being busy. All too well. But I also know that no matter how busy I am… if I really want to… I can make time to write a quick “I’m thinking about you” note to someone. Even just as a courtesy. And I know I said I like to “take things slow”… but that doesn’t mean extended periods of time between initial contact and official dating status with same amount of conversations in between. That just means *more* conversations… and more “getting to know” someone before said “official status” commences.
So, I hear nothing… no return phone call from the initial one made way back when… no quick e-mails… no messages on AIM at the times when she’s always supposed to be on. It apparently feels like I’m suddenly being ignored.
Then, I get an e-mail. It says, “((hugs him as she sees him)) Hi there! Haven’t seen you online in a while. I was thinking you found someone else to be interested in. Hope to talk to you soon!”
Okay, my reply was not really on the “kind” side. I had to ask… am I just being played? *I’m* not online? I made EVERY effort to contact her and make myself available for contact. And now it’s just a “oh darn, we didn’t catch each other. Oh well, everything’s fine now!” It’s feeling like she is exuding NO effort whatsoever… not even minimal. So, quite frankly, this is starting to marginally resemble the actions of someone else I used to know, and no longer care to.
I hear nothing for a few days… and she messages me one evening. With another “((hugs him as she sees him))”… personally, I don’t understand this form of descriptive action… but hey, some people do that. Now, I’m looking at my screen with a “What the hell” kind of contempt. She writes that she read my letter… was very surprised by it… and I even made her start to cry. I have no intention of issuing an apology… at least until I get some kind of apology from her for the lack on contact.
We chat a bit about why I felt that way… She says she thought that since SHE was feeling sick, and so was I (yes, but I still go near my computer!)… and since I worked weekends (which I hadn’t at that point)… I let her in on my past experiences and why I may seem so untrusting. She thinks she’s competing with a ghost… which isn’t the case… I just learned from the past. I’m over it... I’ve healed, just have no desire to repeat it. But according to her, I need to “think about things” and decide what I really want (meaning, do I really want to pursue something with HER).
Now… that’s something that kind of annoys me. I’m always hearing that I’m the one that “needs to think about things”. Bullshit! I’m ALWAYS thinking about things… hell, I *overthink* things (as many that know me may tell).
I don’t need to think about ANYTHING. I know what I want… and I’m just wondering if I’m going to get it. That’s for HER to answer and demonstrate.
Maybe that got through to her… and we end that chat with her needing to walk her dog, but that I can “call her anytime”. I ask if we can talk that evening later on. She says sure. A little after 9:00pm I call her, and she actually picks up. And we actually chat… finally hearing her voice for the first time.
And she has a THICK Irish brogue.
For a few seconds I actually wonder to myself… “is this for real?” Something about it just seemed a bit odd… like it was *too much*, you know? Now the only evidence I heard of her voice up till this point was the message on her voice mail. Which sounded more American then ME, quite frankly. No hint of an accent. Granted, it was a quick message, and hard to tell. I doubt it was someone else making a message for her… the tone and pitch were the same… but just no accent. Whether she was putting on the fake voice at the message or now in the conversation… I have no clue. Or if there was any fake whatsoever… *shrug* If it is fake… what benefit would come from it? I couldn’t see any reason for it. And it’s not just going on a “feeling” here…
She said she’s been in America for 8 years. I know people from non-English speaking countries that lose their accents in less than 5. Hell, my Mom goes to Canada for two weeks a year, and spends the next 6 putting “ey” at the end of all her sentences. I spent 4 days in London, I spoke with a slight british twinge for a week after. We’re humans… get immersed, we naturally adapt. The only reason you would keep an accent after that time is if it’s on purpose. Take Ah-nold Swartzenhopper… that accent is his selling point. His gimmick. He could speak perfect English if he wants, but then he becomes another unmemorable muscle-head actor. Now, he’s the freaking governor of California. So… why would she have this VERY thick Irish accent?
Regardless… we have a nice conversation. Very pleasant… and we talk about possible places to meet for tea or cocoa or something. I’m still even willing to travel further than she would so she wouldn’t be inconvenienced much. We end the conversation with some possibilities… and she says that I can call her and talk ANYTIME. I ask if I can call again tomorrow around the same time. She says yes. So I do. She doesn’t answer… I leave a message.
Next night, I try ONE more time. I never call anyone more than twice… then it’s up to them to call me back. It’s only right… it’s only polite.
And I haven’t heard anything since.
What does this tell me?
Well, according to the scientific principle of Occam’s Razor:
The simplest explanation is usually the best.
And the simplest explanation is that I’m being played like a game of jacks.
So… I’m officially tired of this bullshit.
If she REALLY wants to chat … she’ll have to call or write to me. If she really wants to meet… SHE will have to go further out of her way and come up to ME. I’m not kissing any more ass. I’m not lifting any more fingers. And it’s not going to be MY loss.
This is FAR from putting my faith back into the female gender.
What the hell?
10.11.2006
Closure...
I've been reflecting recently on what exactly entails "closure". Always seemed like a simple concept. Sort of an idea of finality and peace about something... a sensible ending. Like having "all questions answered" kind of a thing.
Without looking in a dictionary (and doing so would eliminate the philisophical opportunities of this), I always figured this would be a decent explanation... though I'm not sure who else would agree. I use my past experience as sort of the barometer for that. Many times I would have questions about something... an event or relationship (okay mostly relationships... that's what I'm really getting to), and always have questions... What exactly happened that I didn't see? What am I not being told? Stuff like that. The answers to these and other questions was always supposed to be the "closure". Sure, things didn't work out for whatever reason... but the closure would at least explain WHY... and hence I could learn from it, and make whatever future relationship benefit from that knowledge.
Not to say I always got "closure"...hell, I got it very rarely. Some of the times where I did get it... was LONG after the fact... such as a "yeah, I was stupid... sorry for what I did." So the closest thing I ever got to "closure" (at the times it was needed)... was when I had to make it myself. Usually by soul-searching... asking myself questions, and trying to find the most constructive, understanding answers that I could. While it never answered questions about the other person... it did answer them for me, and about who I am.
But lately... I've been wondering if I need to re-define the idea of "closure"...
I shall elaborate slightly.
About a year ago... I went through the worst breakup I ever had. By far. I'm not going to bother details (because that would be 20 pages... and just about everyone that knows me (who will probably be the ones reading this) know the details anyway (from my point of view). And those that don't... it literally is 20 pages long (and the story of the story is a story unto itself), so you probably don't want to know...
But the long and the short of it is... I got screwed over. Big time. Whether that was intended by the involved parties or not is neither here nor there. But throughout the events... the final product was Me Screwed Over. The stress of it got so bad, I started having stomach pains (at least I now know where I keep my stress...) that doubled me over for a good few months. Yak yak yak camel yak...
But for the idea of closure... well, I know it was something I desperately wanted for a long time and wasn't getting. I had so many questions about what happened... why... what was the thought process... why did it happen like that... why couldn't it have been a nice clean break (which it could have)... why the lies, the betrayal, etc... Most of the questions don't even have an intelligibe answer. Just a "that's the way it is" or "it's happened before"... or things like that. They never actually answered the question to my satisfaction... but I wonder if any answer *would* be satisfying.
Working things out over the past year... I enlisted a LOT of help... cause for the first time in my life, I sure needed it. Have done a lot of talking... lot of writing... even found that I could draw (which is a positive thing... though to be honest... if that's how I needed to find out, I would have preferred to never know).
And I've come a long way... for one... it's not very often that I feel the need to talk about the details. When I do, I've been told that I sound "not so bitter"... and overall to seem to be doing (and feeling) pretty well.
I should say... it being almost a year now... is not much of a surprise for me to take this long. I *always* take a long time between relationships... granted I didn't think it would be THIS long... it's been almost as long as the time we actually dated, but everyone is different... and I know people still hurting from briefer relationships that took place years ago. And it's still really just applying to the issue of closure.
I have dated... and had a very nice time with some really cool people. And I'm glad that relationship is over... and I feel fairly confident that I'm ready to move on to the next opportunity whenever it presents itself. So, don't worry... I'm not obsessing.
But like I said... I considered redefining "closure". Because for myself... I think I've come up with the answers I'm going to... and the rare times I do think about it... it doesn't seem like enough.
I started wondering if closure is more than just ME understanding things... but would it feel better for HER to see my point of view? And not just know my point of view... but actually UNDERSTAND it? And realize why I felt wronged to such an extent? Maybe even elicit a sincere apology?
Do I need to bluntly and cruelly say all the things I felt and opinions I had? If for nothing more than to get it out? Of which... I have said. I've chatted with friends, therapists, written about it... but I always felt that telling "others" never did much good... when the person that I "wanted" to hear it was someone I never wanted to see or talk to again. I thought that she was the audience I needed... but would never get. I wonder if that's just the closure I needed.
Yet, while speculating it... I can guess that it would *feel* good to do that... but thanks to Murphy's Law, we know it probably wouldn't work out that way. Maybe her reaction would be so cold that it only incensed me more... or maybe she'd break down crying, apologizing up and down saying that she's a horrible person. *shrug* Who knows. But I don't think either of those is something I want or need.
I know I can create the opportunity for that... I can get in contact with her, face her down and tell her all on my mind. (But that's a lot of work to just be consciously cruel, no matter how much it's deserved) But I did mean it when I said I didn't want her in my life. Yet, in a way... we ARE in each other's life. Because we have mutual friends. (The really ironic part is that I became friends with those people AFTER said breakup... again, long story.) Though I can avoid her in every way possible... eventually, we WILL run into each other.
And we did... at a wedding. (Definitely a place where I would never start drama) There was a polite smile and hello. And that's what it was kept to. And I was even uncomfortable with that, quite frankly. And I'm told that even though she still wants to be friends with me, she will never make the approach to me... because she figures that since "I was the one who was wronged, she'll wait until I approach her."
I can understand that logic. But there's the counter-argument: If I was the one who was wronged... why the hell do *I* have to be the one to make the uncomfortable approach???? That's the one I subscribe to, and hence I do not intend to (of which I can be very stubborn when I want).
Yet, I did hear (from third-party) that she did walk by me several times on purpose... to give me the opportunity to stop and talk to her. Of which I never did. Don't know if I was just told that for my benefit or whatever... (can't think of how it would)... but it was grapevine.
Why mention this all now?
Well... I realized earlier today... that the one-year anniversary of the breakup is just a few short days away. And just prior to that realization... my stomach started acting up. The sure sign of my stress from this whole last year... pain that I haven't felt in several months.
Now whether my body's internal clock went off because of the time of year... or if I got the mild pains BECAUSE I was thinking about it...or if I just ate my Salmon a little too fast... don't know. Or even if it's just for general stress issue... not related to her... because this has been a year of change... and with change comes stress. And I've made a decision to change something very significant... my location.
And I don't mean just get a new apartment...I'm talking a full-on Latitude Adjustment. It's something I thought about heavily... and made the decision because I feel it's right for ME! (And I'm making it a point to do more things for Me.) So while I feel good about it... the logistics of that can always be stressful.
So maybe it's something... maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm at the end of that saga... maybe there's more to come. Maybe "she" will hear about this and read it. (Not sure how she would, though) Maybe she doesn't give a flying leap. I don't know. But I think Closure is starting to seem like an intangible idea... something we tell ourselves to try to move on. Not something you can put your finger on... but that we need all the same... and hence near impossible to find.
Providing that I'm making any sense... what do you think?
And a shout out to the GG blog... they seem to like me there. :)
Without looking in a dictionary (and doing so would eliminate the philisophical opportunities of this), I always figured this would be a decent explanation... though I'm not sure who else would agree. I use my past experience as sort of the barometer for that. Many times I would have questions about something... an event or relationship (okay mostly relationships... that's what I'm really getting to), and always have questions... What exactly happened that I didn't see? What am I not being told? Stuff like that. The answers to these and other questions was always supposed to be the "closure". Sure, things didn't work out for whatever reason... but the closure would at least explain WHY... and hence I could learn from it, and make whatever future relationship benefit from that knowledge.
Not to say I always got "closure"...hell, I got it very rarely. Some of the times where I did get it... was LONG after the fact... such as a "yeah, I was stupid... sorry for what I did." So the closest thing I ever got to "closure" (at the times it was needed)... was when I had to make it myself. Usually by soul-searching... asking myself questions, and trying to find the most constructive, understanding answers that I could. While it never answered questions about the other person... it did answer them for me, and about who I am.
But lately... I've been wondering if I need to re-define the idea of "closure"...
I shall elaborate slightly.
About a year ago... I went through the worst breakup I ever had. By far. I'm not going to bother details (because that would be 20 pages... and just about everyone that knows me (who will probably be the ones reading this) know the details anyway (from my point of view). And those that don't... it literally is 20 pages long (and the story of the story is a story unto itself), so you probably don't want to know...
But the long and the short of it is... I got screwed over. Big time. Whether that was intended by the involved parties or not is neither here nor there. But throughout the events... the final product was Me Screwed Over. The stress of it got so bad, I started having stomach pains (at least I now know where I keep my stress...) that doubled me over for a good few months. Yak yak yak camel yak...
But for the idea of closure... well, I know it was something I desperately wanted for a long time and wasn't getting. I had so many questions about what happened... why... what was the thought process... why did it happen like that... why couldn't it have been a nice clean break (which it could have)... why the lies, the betrayal, etc... Most of the questions don't even have an intelligibe answer. Just a "that's the way it is" or "it's happened before"... or things like that. They never actually answered the question to my satisfaction... but I wonder if any answer *would* be satisfying.
Working things out over the past year... I enlisted a LOT of help... cause for the first time in my life, I sure needed it. Have done a lot of talking... lot of writing... even found that I could draw (which is a positive thing... though to be honest... if that's how I needed to find out, I would have preferred to never know).
And I've come a long way... for one... it's not very often that I feel the need to talk about the details. When I do, I've been told that I sound "not so bitter"... and overall to seem to be doing (and feeling) pretty well.
I should say... it being almost a year now... is not much of a surprise for me to take this long. I *always* take a long time between relationships... granted I didn't think it would be THIS long... it's been almost as long as the time we actually dated, but everyone is different... and I know people still hurting from briefer relationships that took place years ago. And it's still really just applying to the issue of closure.
I have dated... and had a very nice time with some really cool people. And I'm glad that relationship is over... and I feel fairly confident that I'm ready to move on to the next opportunity whenever it presents itself. So, don't worry... I'm not obsessing.
But like I said... I considered redefining "closure". Because for myself... I think I've come up with the answers I'm going to... and the rare times I do think about it... it doesn't seem like enough.
I started wondering if closure is more than just ME understanding things... but would it feel better for HER to see my point of view? And not just know my point of view... but actually UNDERSTAND it? And realize why I felt wronged to such an extent? Maybe even elicit a sincere apology?
Do I need to bluntly and cruelly say all the things I felt and opinions I had? If for nothing more than to get it out? Of which... I have said. I've chatted with friends, therapists, written about it... but I always felt that telling "others" never did much good... when the person that I "wanted" to hear it was someone I never wanted to see or talk to again. I thought that she was the audience I needed... but would never get. I wonder if that's just the closure I needed.
Yet, while speculating it... I can guess that it would *feel* good to do that... but thanks to Murphy's Law, we know it probably wouldn't work out that way. Maybe her reaction would be so cold that it only incensed me more... or maybe she'd break down crying, apologizing up and down saying that she's a horrible person. *shrug* Who knows. But I don't think either of those is something I want or need.
I know I can create the opportunity for that... I can get in contact with her, face her down and tell her all on my mind. (But that's a lot of work to just be consciously cruel, no matter how much it's deserved) But I did mean it when I said I didn't want her in my life. Yet, in a way... we ARE in each other's life. Because we have mutual friends. (The really ironic part is that I became friends with those people AFTER said breakup... again, long story.) Though I can avoid her in every way possible... eventually, we WILL run into each other.
And we did... at a wedding. (Definitely a place where I would never start drama) There was a polite smile and hello. And that's what it was kept to. And I was even uncomfortable with that, quite frankly. And I'm told that even though she still wants to be friends with me, she will never make the approach to me... because she figures that since "I was the one who was wronged, she'll wait until I approach her."
I can understand that logic. But there's the counter-argument: If I was the one who was wronged... why the hell do *I* have to be the one to make the uncomfortable approach???? That's the one I subscribe to, and hence I do not intend to (of which I can be very stubborn when I want).
Yet, I did hear (from third-party) that she did walk by me several times on purpose... to give me the opportunity to stop and talk to her. Of which I never did. Don't know if I was just told that for my benefit or whatever... (can't think of how it would)... but it was grapevine.
Why mention this all now?
Well... I realized earlier today... that the one-year anniversary of the breakup is just a few short days away. And just prior to that realization... my stomach started acting up. The sure sign of my stress from this whole last year... pain that I haven't felt in several months.
Now whether my body's internal clock went off because of the time of year... or if I got the mild pains BECAUSE I was thinking about it...or if I just ate my Salmon a little too fast... don't know. Or even if it's just for general stress issue... not related to her... because this has been a year of change... and with change comes stress. And I've made a decision to change something very significant... my location.
And I don't mean just get a new apartment...I'm talking a full-on Latitude Adjustment. It's something I thought about heavily... and made the decision because I feel it's right for ME! (And I'm making it a point to do more things for Me.) So while I feel good about it... the logistics of that can always be stressful.
So maybe it's something... maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm at the end of that saga... maybe there's more to come. Maybe "she" will hear about this and read it. (Not sure how she would, though) Maybe she doesn't give a flying leap. I don't know. But I think Closure is starting to seem like an intangible idea... something we tell ourselves to try to move on. Not something you can put your finger on... but that we need all the same... and hence near impossible to find.
Providing that I'm making any sense... what do you think?
And a shout out to the GG blog... they seem to like me there. :)
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