The Worst Joke I Know

What follows is just that… the worst joke I know.  This is not the kind of “bad joke” that is too extreme or disgusting, or shocking.  It’s not the kind of “bad joke” that is just so “wrong” that you find yourself laughing despite yourself… this is just a wholly unfunny attempt at humor.  Folks that legitimately laugh at it… I think less of.  (Don’t worry… I’ll explain why)  Here it is:

An Atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Atheist.  “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

One of the many reasons I hate this joke has to do with when I see it posted on Facebook… because then people put up their comments.  Usually it’s comments like, “That’s classic!”, “She really told him!”, “Oh, the wisdom of children!  Ha Ha!”.

That makes me want to come to these people’s houses, gently knock on their door or window with a baseball bat and say, “You *do* understand that conversation didn’t actually take place in reality, right? Because you’re acting like it did.”

Now, I don’t actually hate this joke because I am Atheist… but it is what made me notice what is so bad about it in the first place.  No, it’s not even particularly insulting to me… though, I believe it is meant to be insulting to Atheists in the first place.  Anytime you make a joke that is categorized as a “(Insert group of people here) Joke”… like an Atheist Joke, a Blonde Joke, a Polish Joke, a Feminist Joke, a Black Joke, a Republican Joke, whatever… it is a joke that is meant to insult that group; Atheists, Blondes, the Polish, Feminists, African-Americans, Republicans, etc.  When you tell these jokes, it is simply your portrayal of your perception of that group of people (or even a specific individual.  A Hillary Clinton joke is meant to insult Hillary Clinton), and doing so in a manner where that group (or person) is unable to even respond, stand-up, or defend themselves.  If they (or someone) do try to stand-up to it, the default response is, “Hey, it’s just a joke.  Lighten up.”  (Yes, the one doing the insulting gets to take the high-ground here.  Funny how that works.)

This is not even about being “Politically Correct”… which is a phrase that is thrown about a LOT, and I don’t think anyone is even working from a similar definition on it, which makes it pretty pointless.  Frankly, the only people that are actually trying to be “Politically Correct”… are actual politicians.  When a politician who has previously spoken out against gay marriage, suddenly turns around and says that they’re for it… that’s being “Politically Correct”, because they realize that the majority of Americans agree with THAT stance, so if they want to keep their job as a politician, they have to now agree with the stance, themselves.  We can easily recognize when politicians are being “Politically Correct”, and I think we’re also hip enough to realize that when someone like Bernie Sanders says the same thing… he’s actually NOT being Politically Correct, because he’s been saying that exact shit, and supporting LGBTQA rights, since the fucking ‘70s.

But the current debate about being Politically Correct, seems to be mainly complaining about it.  The complainers seem to be in 2 extremes.  The first is the group that says they want to be able to say whatever they want about anything.  They want to say that Gay Marriage is wrong and gays should be killed, that all Muslims are terrorists, that Mexicans are lazy and taking American jobs (how are they taking jobs if they’re lazy?  Still haven’t figured that one out.), that all African-Americans are thugs and criminals, that all rape accusations are false and are just sluts now feeling regret, or whatever.  They say all that, and they’re defense is, “Hey, it’s my first Amendment Right, you Commie Heathen!”  (Sometimes also followed hypocritically with, “How dare you attack my god-fearing religious beliefs, you evil heathen!”)

*sigh*  The First Amendment part about “Freedom of Speech” simply means the government can’t arrest you for speaking your mind.  That’s it.  There are no police on the way to tackle you for saying that “Gays shouldn’t marry”.  (If you think there are… hit yourself.  Hard.)  But that doesn’t mean there are no consequences for your actions.  Because it’s our right, to think that you’re an asshole, and treat you, or boycott you, as such.  So, this extreme… all it really is, is people complaining that they can’t be assholes.

The other extreme, usually seems to be comedians… or comedic-minded people at least, and they’re complaining that “you can’t joke about anything anymore”.  Which I don’t think is true.  I do believe you can joke about anything.  Yes, there are subjects that are pretty extreme, that finding decent humor in them can be difficult.  But it’s not impossible.  One of my favorite comedians, Dana Gould, opens his CD “I Know It’s Wrong” talking about this, saying, “You can joke about anything, if you do it in the right context.”  He then goes on to do “an AIDS joke, a rape joke, and a joke about 9/11.”  Here’s an embed for you:

Personally, I think that was all funny… and not particularly shocking.  The AIDS joke is not making fun of the person with AIDS, it’s more about the social awkwardness and embarrassment of a person they’re talking to… it’s more making fun of oneself.  The Rape Joke is not normalizing sexual assault, or even making fun of a Rape Victim, it’s more about word-play.  The 9/11 joke isn’t even about that tragedy itself, it’s satirizing certain extreme religious beliefs.

Now, this brings it back to the “group joke” idea… because yes, Muslims are a group, and this is making fun of that group, ultimately.  A “group joke” can be funny… but it does depend on the group. 

Any demographic of people that did not choose to be a part of that demographic… that is much harder to joke about.  Gays did not choose to be Gay.  The Polish, Mexicans, or whatever did not get a say in whether or not they were born Polish, Mexican, or whatever.  African-Americans did not choose to be “Black” in this world.  Natural Blondes did not choose to be Blonde… they just are.  (I’m not equating being a natural blonde with being born Black, just showing they share this one commonality.  The ridicule for one is much harsher than it is for the other… and if you can’t figure out which one… hit yourself.  Really hard.)  Point is:  You are then making fun of them, and insulting them for something that they have absolutely no control over.

Now, these groups CAN be made fun of… but it’s really best done by themselves.  Gays can joke about being Gay.  Blacks can joke about being Black and living in this world as such.  Blondes can make Blonde jokes, Polish can make Polish jokes, etc.  The reason is simple… we should be able to laugh at ourselves.  That’s a healthy thing to do.  Especially for more marginalized groups, it can be a good thing to find humor in that which previously hurt you… because then it can’t hurt you anymore.  It can be a way to deal with our pain. (One of several valid ways to deal with it.  We do what works for us.) So, the argument of, “Oh, I can make a _____ joke, because I am ______”, is a valid one, to me.  Likewise, the complaint of, “How come you can make a joke about being _____, but I can’t make a joke about you being ____?” is not valid.  No, it’s not being hypocritical… because you never had to deal with the downsides of being _____.  You have nothing to deal with, you never walked in their shoes, so you can’t decide what is funny for them.

So, if it’s a group that has no say in being a part of that group… and you are not a part of that group, either… then joking about it makes you an asshole.  It is 100% bullying, nothing more.

But on the other side… the groups that you do, technically, CHOOSE to be a part of… which includes any and all religions in the world… those are up for ridicule and critique.  The religions (and accompanying religious people) might argue that they DIDN’T have a choice (an idea I may be revisiting in a future topic), as they were born into that system… which may be why they don’t feel like anyone can make fun of THEM.  But it is a choice, because ultimately, you can choose to leave it.  Gays can’t choose to not be Gay (no matter what certain religious pamphlets advertise otherwise), Mexicans can’t choose to have their ancestors not be from Mexico, etc.    But any religion, political affiliation, or belief system is up for not just ridicule, but also honest scrutiny and critique, from the rest of society.

Being Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Independent, or other… all up for being made fun of.  Being a Feminist… is up for honest scrutiny, critique, and ridicule (Key reminder for this… HONEST scrutiny.  Wholesale misrepresentation is ticket to asshole-town.)  Occupations of all types, up for being laughed at… and yes, even Atheism, is completely, 100% open to scrutiny and ridicule.  Even that is not exempt from humor.

So, again… it’s not because of Political Correctness or the fact I’m Atheist that I hate the joke in-question.  It’s just a horrible joke.  Take this other, different joke for example:

A Christian was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Christian.  “How about the glory of God, or Heaven and Hell, or eternal life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The Christian, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

Okay, you got me.  It’s not that different.  It’s the exact same joke… with minor changes.  Notice, however… the joke still “works” (if you can call what it is “working”… clearly doesn’t mean being funny), just as well if the subject of ridicule was Atheist.  It is, literally, the same joke.

This is a “Universal Joke”.  I don’t mean that it’s a joke that can be appreciated universally, but that it can be made to fit ANY demographic, really.  Consider some of these other “Group Jokes”:

How do you get a one-armed Polock out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Mexican out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Feminist out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Democrat out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

(Despite the obscure implication that the one-armed person is hanging by that one arm from a branch, and not sitting nicely balanced on that branch… )  It doesn’t matter what group you put in there, it’s the exact same joke.  All the joke really is, is “How do you get a one-armed Idiot out of a tree?”  Only “Idiot” is being replaced with whatever “group” you don’t particularly like.  Because you think that group is just nothing but idiots.

As you can see… “Universal Jokes” are inherently lazy.  About 90% of “group jokes” are also “universal jokes”.

This “man on the plane” doesn’t have to be Atheist or Christian.  You just change what group he’s in, and a slight adjustment to his topics of conversation (to make them issue-appropriate for that group), and the joke has the exact same effect, and the kid is equally sassy.

“A Democrat was seated next to… How about Government, the plight of the middle class, or expanding Health care?”

“A Feminist was seated next to… How about the Patriarchy, the history of Women’s Rights, or modern Gender Issues?”

“A Postal Clerk was seated next to… How about the price of stamps, or new shipping technology, or International Export Regulations?”

            See?  Doesn’t matter what or who is in there.  All it is, is an effort to make some “other group” look stupid at the hands of an imaginary child.

            Even looking at this joke structurally… so much of it is just bad.  A good joke at least has some basis in reality, because it plays upon those expectations.  Now, I always say, “Why analyze something when you can over-analyze it?”  So, let’s break it down, shall we?

An Atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Okay, the fact that this guy just turns to a little girl on an airplane to “talk”, raises a red flag to me.  Most adults don’t even think to do this.  Hell, I’ve been on planes sitting next to kids I actually know… and have no desire to “strike up a conversation”.  The fact that he actually thinks he can have an articulate, conversation with a young, unfamiliar child is more pathetic than it sounds… and in fact, actually sounds a bit creepy.  First impressions: this guy is a Pedophile.  (Pssst… by the way, statistically speaking, it’s more likely he’s religious.  Not saying Atheism doesn’t or can’t have sick assholes, but I don’t ever recall reading about a perverted child molestation scandal involving a “devout Atheist”)

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Atheist.  “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

I’d like to know what Religious Individual thinks that an Atheist would ever ask ANY of these questions.  What do THEY think that we actually expect?  Every single one of these is a very short, and dumb, conversation.

            If your own answer to “Why is there no God” sounds like, “For the same reason there’s no polka-dotted platinum elephants in Detroit that shoot rainbows out of their asses while singing Puccini opera in Chinese… because it’s not a thing.”… then there’s nothing to explore or learn with that question.

            Is he saying, “Hey let’s examine the evidence that there is no God”?  Because again, no Atheist would say this.  You can’t prove that something DOESN’T exist.  As sure as I am that there are no polka-dotted platinum elephants in Detroit (or anywhere) that shoot rainbows out their asses and singing Chinese Puccini opera… granted, I can’t prove it.  Because I haven’t looked everywhere in Detroit yet… and it’s even possible it could even move around when I’m looking.  But I know it’s pretty damn unlikely… enough that I’m confidant it’s not a thing.

And… “smiled smugly”?  So, this guy is proud of himself that he’s bringing up advanced concepts to a child?  This speaks less of being an Atheist, and more just an all-around douchebag… again, a quality not exclusive to Atheism.  Is he thinking that he is impressing this young girl?  Why?? This is sounding more and more like a predator.  At what point does the Flight Attendant show up, and reveals themselves to be Chris Hanson?  “So… Mr. Atheist, do you go on the message boards of “Young Girls Traveling Alone” as “NoGod6669”?  Hey, you’re free to go…”

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

Oh, okay, complete change of subject.  Well, it probably has to do with their biological systems and the physical activities they evolved to optimize.  I’m no zoologist, but thinking about it for 5 seconds, that seems relatively clear.

The Atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence,

Why is he “visibly surprised”?  He’s the one who brought up advanced theological concepts to her, and he’s “visibly surprised” by receiving anything remotely articulate in return?  Why did he bring it up if he didn’t think she would comprehend it?  What was he expecting in the first place???  “Gee, I don’t know about any of that with my little lady-brain… I guess you really are smarter than my daddy.  Can I come stay with you-”  AHHH!! Jesus jumped on a pogo stick!  Why do you think a typical Atheist would do this???  What point is it making to you???

thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” 

Okay, apparently, he didn’t think about it for 5 seconds.

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

Well, kid, since you brought it up:  Those subjects have absolutely nothing to do with one another, and a knowledge of zoology is not a prerequisite for religious or philosophical academic discourse.  Clearly, you’re parroting some catch-all sassy response that you were previously told.  While I applaud the effort of dissuading and trying to put off a would-be pedophile, regardless of what he’s identifying himself as, belief-wise, you are, however, now stuck next to him for the next few hours on this plane, and that crack ain’t going to stop him.  Call the attendant!  Right now!  Switch seats, get the Air Marshall, something!  Get away from this guy, before he appears in another badly thought-out attempt at humor to marginalize and insult from the believers!

Sorry… where was I?

            Anyway… so that is a horrible joke.  And others like it.  It’s important thing to look at our own humor, and think about WHY we’re laughing at it, and why we want to tell the jokes we like to tell.  It’s not about “Political Correctness”… it’s just about basic respect.  I think that’s the decent middle-ground of it, too.  That’s all “being PC” is, to me.  Not being a complete asshole.

            And while it’s your right to be an asshole, if you really want to be… I’d rather not.

            What do you think?

And the Winner Is...

For the first time, I’d like to publicly present the award for:

“Favorite Song of the Now”

The recipient of this award must be a musical arrangement with an ability to “get stuck in one’s head”, but at the same time, also be of a high enough quality that one does not get sick of said song. It must instill the desire for repeat listening, even immediately after a previous listening occasion.

The craft and structure of the song should demonstrate some form of thought and intelligence on the part of the songwriter. The composition should show originality and innovation. Generic dance beats need not apply.

The specific content of the song should never be spoon-fed to its audience. It needs to be open enough to interpretation that listeners may emotionally identify with it on their own terms, and also never having one’s own theories of “what it’s about” be contradicted. And in such a case where the listener is unable to decide the meaning of the song, it should still be enjoyable for them to experience on an instinctual level.

While a good song stands upon its own, regardless of the performer, the recipient of this award demonstrates a symbiotic harmony with its performance and performing artist. While skill is a factor, it is overshadowed by sincerity and conviction on the part of the musician(s) involved. They must demonstrate an honest connection with the material, whether it be an original song, or a “cover”, as well as be able to convey that connection to the listening audience.

Former winners of this award include:

“I’m Not Over” by Carolina Liar (previous winner)
“Human” by The Killers
“My Delirium” by Ladyhawke
“Pretend We’re Dead” by L7
“Angel’s Wings” by Social Distortion
“Dream On” by Aerosmith (repeat winner)
“I Wish I Was a Nerd” by the Attery Squash
“Mad World” performed by Gary Jules
“Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)” by Pandora’s Box
“Ice Cream” by Sarah McLaughlin
“Who Will Take Your Dreams Away?” by Marianne Faithful & Angelo Badalamenti

Joining this esteemed company, I present the newest, and current winner:

“Little Lion Man”
By
Mumford & Sons

Released in 2009, this song is finally starting to receive its due airplay on radio stations around the country. The selection committee discovered this song through KROQ out of Los Angeles (via Internet Radio), and was immediately taken aback by this folk quartet out of London, England. At first, it appears so out of place amidst the stations usual genre selection of modern and hard rock, but quickly solidified its rightful position alongside.

With its 2 main verses offering a very personal story, it smoothly and gently builds to a heartstring-pulling crescendo emphasized by its simple, yet emotionally-charged chorus that makes one feel they’ve been punched in the chest, yet at its conclusion, inspires the words, “Thank you, Sir. May I have another?”

Even its central and unavoidable placement of the granddaddy of all curses, the famed “F-Bomb”, it is neither gratuitous nor unnecessary. In a rare feat, it is truly the best word for that moment.

Mumford & Sons have achieved in one acoustic song, more energy, power and emotion then most any other modern artist armed with the loudest amplifiers known to man.

Thank you gentlemen, for demonstrating you don’t need an electric dial to “turn it up to 11”.

I present to you all… my favorite song of right now. (I just hope the embed works)

Mumford & Sons // Little Lion Man by Stayloose

Techno-Love (but only as a friend)

I don’t know if this is a male stereotype or not… but I do love my Tech. Maybe not to the extent that some guys, or even some women… but in my very own way, I do.

I’ve never really had a problem figuring out computers and technology. I tend to figure out the basics pretty fast, really just by playing around. (Manual? Who needs a manual?) But I also have never really gone out of my way to acquire it quickly, so I can always be on the “cutting edge”. Usually, I’m at the tail end of the parade.

For me, when I make a decision about acquiring new Tech (or really any decision in life, come to think of it), I mull it over and think for a long time, and then when I finally make a decision, I stick with it.

The first computer I ever bought was a Commodore 64, and even then it was not that long before they stopped making them, and long after its heyday of popularity. I even knew that at the time, and my reasoning was, “well, if it’s not that popular anymore, all these hundreds of games will probably come down in price.” It was good logic, actually… our house was well-stocked with a large variety of games. The first of which is still one of my favorites: Maniac Mansion. (LucasArts made some great games back then) That computer got the holy hell beaten out of it over the years… with the floppy disk drive (with an actual FLOPPY disk) and when computer monitors were heavier then me. You could easily see how it was a definite upgrade from the Pong and Atari systems the family had… but maybe not so much compared to the original NES my brother had. But I liked it… and when it came to the end of its useful life, I eventually resurrected it… and gutted it to make a sci-fi looking prop for a show.

The next… was a word processor. Yes, an actual word processor. A weird missing link between typewriter and computer. It had a disc drive, and a small internal memory and programming, that wasn’t compatible with anything else in existence… but it wasn’t a computer in the normal sense. It was basically a printer with a small keyboard tacked on. It was a gift from my parents as I headed into college, for the purpose of writing papers. And since it was the ONLY thing it could ever do, it did it pretty well. It got me through the 4 years pretty well. When most everyone else was going to the computer labs, I could do it in the comfort of my dorm room. (and I had to… because as mentioned, the discs couldn’t be used anywhere else. It was not only technological freedom, but prison as well.)

I started Grad School with a hand-me-down desktop computer from my Uncle, which did me pretty well. When I had the chance to upgrade to a decent laptop a few months in, I did so… after careful consideration, that is. (Its compact nature was appealing to a guy in a small apartment) And I then kept that computer for the next 8 years… long after its expected life-span. (That thing died and was resurrected via miracle on a couple of occasions.)

But after Grad School… the next bit of Tech I got was probably long overdue; I finally got a cell phone. This was in 2002, and most other people had gotten cell phones already, and now… EVERYONE has them. Even high school kids, and younger! That kinda blows my mind… yet, it also blows my mind when I realize that I can’t conceive of NOT having my cell phone with me. If I leave the house and realize later that I forgot to grab it… I’m hitting myself and saying, “Oh crap!” Now, I don’t get phone calls that often, (I’m not even that good on the phone!) and I do get a half-decent amount of text messages… but after going 27 years without a constant direct-communication-line to the world, (and surviving, by the looks of it) why did I now HAVE to have it near me every second? It’s sitting 10 inches to my right at this moment while I’m typing!

When I was seeing my first therapist, I remember mentioning one session how I kind of missed going around WITHOUT a cell phone, and sometimes, if you think about it too hard, you can feel kind of trapped by it. (Sometimes, you don’t WANT to be found so easily) She responded with, “Well, you don’t have to have it.” “Listen, lady… don’t go using that new-fangled voodoo brain logic with me!” Okay, I didn’t say that last part, but as much sense as it makes, and how true it is… I still keep my cell phone fairly close by.

And I’m on my third cell phone right now. As the contract is ending soon, I might look into getting another upgrade… or at least a comparable replacement, because I can’t think of what I would get that’s better then this one. It’s got a 2 Megapixel camera, plays music, has an audio recorder, has a calendar, I can check e-mail, has some games, not to mention… now get this: It actually makes *and takes* phone calls. (You knew that gag was coming, admit it.)

I was considering of getting an iPhone, or one of the comparable Android phones… but you know, to make those worth it, you need to buy a data plan for the phone, which would end up tacking on another $2000 or so by the time the contract is up. No thanks… I don’t have that much disposable income.

But as sort of a “compromise”… I did get an iPod Touch instead. It can hold ALL my music, shows video (so I can share neat things I find with friends), has some pretty cool “Apps” (some of which are actually useful), has Wi-Fi connection for places that offer it free. Really, the only things it can’t do is: be a phone, or take pictures on it. That’s okay, my regular phone does that. And I can live without the cellular Internet. So, after a few weeks of considering, I treated myself, and have been pretty happy with it.

One thing I don’t like doing with my gadgets is trying to “one-up” or use it as part of a Penis-Size Competition. You know what I mean, too. If you get/do something, someone has to point out that THEY got/did something cooler, shinier and more impressive. (My oldest brother has been known to do this) Personally, I figure, “I need mine to do A, B, and C. Can it do those? Yes? Great, now I don’t give a crap that yours can do D, E, F or G. No, no… I get it. F and G are *really* peachy keen. I still don’t care.” Penis-Size Competitions: No actual phallus needed.

I was looking into getting an E-Reader, like the Kindle or Barnes and Noble Nook. I especially thought the Nook was the neatest between the two… but when I went into a store to play around with one (prior to ordering), I wasn’t able to see how a .pdf looks on it, plus the touch screen was a little slow to respond, and a few other concerns. But between those two, it still looked to be the better product. But then that Apple iPad was announced.

Now, I didn’t start drooling over the iPad like a lot of people did. I did find it humorous though, that within minutes after its announcement, all the males on Twitter were excited for it… and all the females were making Maxi-pad jokes about it. Personally, I didn’t see the big deal. Now, yes, I’ve been wanting an E-Reader, but I liked the size of the Kindle and the Nook. The iPad… way too big for my liking. That’s not exactly “portable” to me. (Portable to me means, it can fit somewhere on my person, out of the way, and I get to have both hands free. The smaller the satchel, bag, backpack it can fit in, the better.) But the iPad is in color, with better touch response, its faster, etc. Frankly, it’s an oversized iPod Touch. (Which was another point that leaned me towards getting that) If they had the exact same thing… only the size of the Kindle/Nook… I’d probably have gotten that. I’d even wait for the 3G version. The only thing that the iPad has done, is convince me to keep waiting, because now none of it looks that appealing to me. (Also, it’s surprisingly easy to read on the iPod Touch… or iPad Nano, I guess.)

Not all technology these days is interesting to me.

I’ve yet to get completely excited by Blu-Ray, or Hi-Def. Personally, I don’t mind that theatrical movies are at 24 frames per second. Yes, it’s ironic that the higher quality resolution and framerates look cheesy and fake to us (The webcomic XKCD just did a bit about this the other day.), but I still like the gritty, muted look to a lot of movies. Call it nostalgia, but I find it easier to get lost in a story when I’m not being distracted by the detail on every blade of grass or hair on someone’s head. And it’s only going to be seen on movies made in the last 5 years, maybe. Everything before that? They weren’t intended to be seen at that resolution. So… it just seems pointless.

The latest gadget I bought, is going a bit old-school. Actually a lot old-school. It’s a camera. Not a digital camera… and actual film-load 35mm camera. I was hanging out with a friend of mine in Boston and saw this assortment of “unique” cameras. All film-ones, construction was plastic and a bit cheap… one model was strictly a “fish-eye”, it distorts all the pictures like you’re looking through a peep-hole on a door. Another looked like a 1920s box camera… and the one that interested me, had 4 lenses on it. It takes 4 mini sequential pictures on one frame of film. Each photo is divided into quarters, and you see 1 full second of an event, broken into four frames. They call it the “Actionsampler”. Now, sure, I could probably take one of my digital cameras, put it on “sequence burst” so it takes 3 or so pictures one after another, and then photoshop them together… but somehow the nostalgia of doing it the old-fashioned way is a bit on the romantic side for me. Yeah, I never had much luck with actual film cameras in the past, but I do know a little bit more, (at least where NOT to take pictures) so hopefully some of these can turn out a little better.

Hey, it was cheap, novel… and interesting to me. And I’m not dating anyone, so why not treat myself? It’s a better reason then some people have when getting new toys.

What are some gadgets YOU love or hate?

I'm a Twit...

You may have noticed that since I’ve started to get back to my bloggin’ ways… that there is a new addition to the page. The not-so-latest in a long line of 21st century trends that I’m finally giving a try to:

The Twitter Feed.

Have I given in? Succumbed to the brain-washing of “the Man”? Have I sold out?

Well, seeing as how Twitter is free… not to mention they don’t hire people to write those “tweets”… technically, no. I haven’t sold out.

When it first came out… it didn’t really interest me, to tell the truth. Having a social network where all you do is answer, “What are you doing right now?”, is kind of pointless. At least MySpace and Facebook had other things going on. Thankfully… I think the majority of people thought that it too… was pointless. Not that it would dissuade them from using it… just not in such an inane manner. No, they started using it for other things.

Even though they say the “concept” of Twitter is still: What are you doing?... it’s more like “Texting to the World”. You can have conversations with specific people, by “tagging” them with @username… but they’re just conversations that you allow everyone to see. In essence… how different is it from having a blog? Only with a Twitter… you have to do it in 140 characters or less.

Structure-wise… it makes an interesting challenge.

I was asked to research Twitter for my job by my boss… to see if using it could benefit the company. But I figured the best way to do that was to actually set-up an account for myself and play with it. So I did… went poking around. To be honest… it’s not very complicated. The whole thing is pretty straightforward… and I think that simplicity is a big factor to its popularity.

And for me… there’s an intriguing element to it. When you pull up your twitter homepage, where it shows all the latest posts from the people you’re following, in chronological order (newest shown first). This includes not only your friends… but the celebrities, too. And it’s all in real-time. As soon as they type it and hit “Enter”… it’s on the web. So when you see one of your favorite celebrities… posting something at the exact same time as a friend, or even yourself… that’s kind of cool. It’s one of those elements of Globalization that actually makes you smile… instead of freaking out in a “Big Brother is coming to get me” kind of way.

One of the things that actually got me a tad intrigued… was a bit from an article in Wired magazine, from about a year ago. It was a feature on promoting yourself as an internet celebrity. One of the pieces of advice it gave said:

"Every single Twitter post you write should be something that could get you laid, ruin a marriage, or bring a tear to a fat little kid's eye." — Joshua Allen

Well, I don’t know who Josh Allen is, but I don’t think I agree with C… and doing B would make me feel too guilty… but A sounds like a good guideline to follow. I mean, if you’re going to do something that’s pretty pointless in the first place… at least try to make it interesting. Then it won’t *seem* so pointless, you know?

So, that’s what I’m trying to go by… using it as a supplement to the regular blog, really. Any short epiphanies, observations or witty quips that come across my brain… I’ll throw them up there. I’m not accepting any pressure to do it all the time… but when I think of it, I’ll do it.

I tend not to do the “retweets”, which is just re-posting something that someone else posted themselves. There were a few times I did a “reply”… which really just tagging them with the “@username” I mentioned above… but I don’t really keep them there. I’ll let them sit for an hour or two, and if the person its referencing sees it in that time, cool. I try not to expect another reply from them (looking to expect things like that from regular people or celebrities, major or pseudo-, tends to lead to disappointment) and just continue on with my day. If they haven’t seen them after 2 hours… chances are there’s already 200 other tweets in their “most-recent” queue, and they won’t see it. So, I’ll delete it to keep my page fairly clean-looking and accessible.

I’m going for “Quality” over “Quantity”.

The same thing goes for those Twitterers (okay, that’s too many syllables… and sadly, “Twits” feels *too* accurate). I’m being picky who I follow.

I’m currently (as of this writing) following 18 people. Among them are:

The cast of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog (Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, and Felicia Day)
Postsecret… one of my favorite blogs, of which I’ve professed my love of before. Twice.
Violet Blue… I’ve mentioned her website tinynibbles.com before also.
Penn Jillette… of Penn & Teller fame. If you don’t know of them… your life is incomplete.
Weird Al Yankovic… and why not?
Simon Pegg… one of my favorite British comedic actors.
Will Wheaton… more famous due to the Inter-Web then any Star Trek appearance.
And my personal favorite Twittererererer…
Valancy Jane… she’s a real-life friend of mine, and she’s also over on the blogroll on the side of this page. She’s the epitome of quality over quantity, and she’s also the *only* person who’s updates are sent directly to my phone. She’s awesome. Love her, for you must.

As for those following ME… I have but 6 at the moment. But hey, those are 6 *really* cool people. I do have one other person that “listed” me… but I don’t really know how different that is from following. Maybe it’s like “following without actually being a follower”… I think I feel used. Should I demand a commitment? Or would that just make me look like a Twit?

Then again, I think I already am… in more ways than one.

But we already knew that, right?