#_______ Lives Matter

            I’m feeling a little frustrated over this malarkey.  I try to keep silent about it, personally, but when asked, I try to give my opinions in ways that those who think differently will clearly understand without getting passionately defiant.  Since I can’t guarantee that happening… I usually just stay quiet.  I actually think it’s more of my job in society to do that, anyway.  Racially-speaking, I’m in the majority demographic.  I am not being hurt by people’s actions who are advocating over whose “lives matter”.  I am not being targeted by anyone, frankly.  So, the best thing I can do… is just listen.

            But I am a white, cis male.  And I 100% support #Black Lives Matter.

            Now, if you’re the kind of person that wants to step up and immediately say, “ALL lives matter!”  Guess what?  You’re a fucking moron.  Shut up and listen to someone other than yourself.  If you want to know why you’re a moron… pay attention, because this will apply to you.

            But the reason I’m writing this, is that one my absolute best friends in the world, posted a picture of a police officer, sitting in his car, with sunglasses on, and that stoic, stone-faced expression that all cops seem to be taught to give an air of intimidation and authority. (I really believe that is taught, and now it’s reflex that they always look like that.)  But he was holding up a small sign that says “Police Lives Matter”. 

            The more popular expression has been “Blue Lives Matter”, but we all know it’s the same damn thing.  In the last week, there have been some shootings in Dallas and Baton Rouge, in particular, that have been targeting police officers.  Now, the Black Lives Matter movement is being countered with “Blue Lives Matter” and the continuing “All Lives Matter”.

            Now, I don’t want to say anything to this person, one of my absolute best friends in the world, about the folly of this argument.  Because they have police officers in their family.  They personally know the whole town police force, and consider them close friends.  To hear that police officers are being attacked is a scary thing, because it sounds like these people are coming after their loved ones, their good friends… maybe even them.  So to start to disagree with them on that, by instinct all they hear in their head is, “Blue lives DON’T matter?  You want my friends to die, you want my family to die?  You want my FATHER to die???”

            Of course, that is not the case.  I know their father, and he’s a sweet guy… his stories of his young days on the force (in this small, New England town) are hilarious to hear.  He’s caring, he’s personable, he’s funny, and I’m proud to know him, and have been proud to help the family in the ways I’ve been able to over the years.  Even if I didn’t know him, or any of them… I don’t want anyone to die.  Life is a beautiful thing, the loss of it in any form is a tragic thing.

            Yes, it’s because “all lives matter”.  That’s fucking obvious.  No one would dare say otherwise, if you asked them in sober, polite company, if you asked them on record, or if you asked them on TV.

            But that’s not what “Black Live Matter” is about.  And it certainly isn’t what "Blue Lives Matter" is about.

            Let’s look at some statistics.  According to the National Law Enforcement Memorial Fund, this is the number of on-duty deaths in the 21st Century:

2000:  162                               2008:  149

2001:  241                               2009:  125

2002:  159                               2010:  161

2003:  150                               2011:  171

2004:  165                               2012:  131

2005:  163                               2013:  109

2006:  156                               2014:  122

2007:  192                               2015:  123

(source:  http://www.nleomf.org/facts/officer-fatalities-data/year.html)

            This is ALL deaths.  Including accidents and illnesses.  You’ll notice that 2001 had a big jump.  Most likely due to New York.  If you need reminding what happened in NY in 2001, you shouldn’t be reading this blog.

            There are plenty of articles that remove the stats for accidents, illnesses, and 9/11… and simply look at the officers who were shot, stabbed, assaulted, and bombed to death, on duty.  This one article, breaks it down by Presidential Administration (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/07/09/police-are-safer-under-obama-than-they-have-been-in-decades/):

            During the Reagan years, an average of 101 officers per year lost their lives this way.  During the H.W. Bush years, it was 90 per year.  During Clinton, 81.  George W. Bush, 72 per year.  And during Obama’s administration?  The one in the here and now?  62 officers per year.  Police officers are safer now than they were in 1980.

            Now keep in mind these numbers… because in 2008 (the most recent number I could find for this), there were about 1.13 MILLION police officers in the United States.  1.13 million officers… and only 62 died by outside violence?  A tragedy for 62 families, but a dream for the bureau of labor statistics.

            This year, surely will see a rise in the numbers… so next January, when you hear that 2016 has a 30% (or whatever) rise in police fatalities due to shooting… that sounds like a big jump.  But not when you’re dealing with such low numbers in the first place.  One mass televised incident will account for at least 10%, alone.

            There is no reason for cops to be afraid.  It only sounds like it because we’re hearing about these particular incidents more.  Information now spreads faster than the weather… it crosses the country faster than the speed of sound… so shootings are only being reported on the news, more.  Does this mean Blue Lives don’t matter?  Of course not.  62 deaths is still 62 tragedies.  62 weeping families, and 62 special interest stories on the local news.

            But why… when it is safer than any other point in modern history to be a police officer, are they JUST NOW saying “Blue Lives Matter”.  Why not say it in 1980? 

            They’re saying it BECAUSE of “Black Lives Matter”.

            And this is what gets to the confusion over what that actually means.  So, to try and help clear it up for those that don’t know… I ask a question.

            “Who is your audience?”

I ask this same question of my students, often, when I teach Composition, where the ultimate project is write an argumentative paper and defend their assertion on whatever subject they’re writing about. 

Who are you trying to say this to?  Who are you trying to get the message to?  Who are you trying to convince of this argument?  Because who you are talking to makes a difference in how you say it, and what you say.

            You can’t say, “Everyone!”  Because that means nothing.  You have to be specific, or you’re just shouting to the air.  You have to have a purpose in what you say, or it will never be heard by those who do need to hear it.

           

            So, who does not seem to understand that “Blue Lives Matter”?  I couldn’t really tell you.  Psychopathic criminals, I guess, but they were going to think that no matter what your tagline is.

            Who does not understand the idea that “All Lives Matter?”   Those who are openly racist, certainly.  But again, they already thought that, and yet still wouldn’t be dumb enough to say it on TV.

            Who is the audience for “Black Lives Matter”?  Well, that’s an easier answer:

The Judicial and Law Enforcement Systems of the United States.

            That is the audience that has clearly demonstrated, over many decades of history in this country, that it is a little fuzzy on that concept.  Black Americans are 13% of the population, but they account for over 26% of people killed by police.  That is a statistic that brings up a lot of other questions for another time, certainly.  But Blacks are also far more likely to be convicted for a crime than whites.

            It is the system as a whole that needs this message.  The reason we’re all seeing it on the news, is because to get the message to the whole system, you have to say it loud and visibly enough so that everyone that is encompassed under that system will end up hearing it, too.

            Does the Judicial and Law Enforcement systems of America believe that “Blue Lives” don’t matter?  Of course not.  If a gunman kills 3 people, and goes to trial… he’ll get his 90 years in prison, or whatever.  But if one of those victims was a cop?  200 years in prison, throw him in maximum security, no chance of parole, and send him to hell!  “Cop Killers” get a special breed of treatment in the system, because the whole police system “looks out for their own”.   

            It is abundantly clear, to the entire Judicial and Law Enforcement System, that Blue Lives Matter.  Frankly, they seem to matter more than most.  Do you want proof that Blue Lives Matter?

            The ones who killed the cops in Baton Rouge and Dallas… are dead.  They were dealt swift justice, and the perpetrator was taken down.

            But the killers of Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Sandra Bland, Eric Harris, Freddie Gray, Philandro Castille, and Alton Sterling were given paid vacations, and walking free.

            The cops that killed Eric Garner, the man who had his hands up, had no weapons, was not resisting, and put in a chokehold… is audibly heard saying, “I can’t breathe”, and they continue their assault.  This was on video, clear as crystal, plain as day. 

            But when it came time to prosecute… the District Attorney that was “trying” (note the quotes) to do so… wasn’t able to get an indictment.

            Wasn’t. Able.  On video tape, that the world has seen.

            Now, I listened to many legal pundits in the aftermath talk about their surprise at that.  They all mentioned, very clearly, that if a district attorney really wants an indictment (which is not a verdict… just means it actually goes to trial), then they will, indeed GET an indictment.  So, the only reason this D.A. didn’t get an indictment, is because he didn’t want to.

There’s a reason that people are angry.  And they have every right to be.  They’re also fucking terrified.  Again, because they have every right to be. 

            Now, yes… the bad cops that killed those people are not reflective of every police officer.  That would be silly to suggest.  But what doesn’t help is that the “good” cops in the world, are not calling the bad ones out.  As a teacher, if I hear about another teacher doing something bad… like sleeping with a student, or getting them kicked out for stupid, arbitrary reasons… I will absolutely say, “That’s a bad teacher.”  If they’re in my school, and my feedback can, in any way, have an impact… I will do what I can, to get that teacher fired, because I do not want such a horrible person in my school. 

            But cops will not call out their own.  They will not say, “yes, they murdered those people”.  They won’t ever say, “they need to be taken off the force, and thrown in prison for life.”  No, it’s always excuses:  “Well, there’s angles you can’t see…”, “It’s tough to say, because in the heat of the moment…”, “Well, we weren’t actually there, so we don’t know what really happened…”

            Bullshit.  We see exactly what happened.  These instances are ON VIDEO.  And not some fuzzy VHS image from across a dark highway a la Rodney King.  These are full HD, up close videos.  Those people were murdered.  If another police officer can’t stop and at least say, “Yeah, this doesn’t look good”… then it’s not exactly surprising that people will think THAT police officer is a bad one, too.  Because they show no desire to get rid of the bad elements in their force. 

            When people make generalizations that “all cops are bad”… yes, it is erroneous, but it’s perfectly understandable why they think so.  It’s because the good ones are doing nothing to stop the bad ones. The Blue Lives clearly believe they are more important than Black Lives.

            So, when you hear “Black Lives Matter”, and jump up to say “ALL lives matter” or “Blue Lives Matter!”  All you’re really doing is engaging in a silencing technique.  You are trying to usurp the conversation.  You are minimizing what our Black Americans have to deal with every day in this country, just because you don’t want to hear about it.  You’re not actually being “better” by saying “All lives matter”, or “Blue Lives Matter”, you’re just being a bully.  You’re just ignoring what is actually happening, and you are perpetrating the violence and bigotry that has been going on for decades.

            And you are exactly the person that should be hearing the message of “Black Lives Matter”.

Religion, Politics and The Great Pumpkin

“There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people… “ - Linus Van Pelt

(I may never get such a convenient opportunity to use that title again… it applies on several levels today… though, I’m actually working backwards.)

First up, my Halloween recap:

I went back to Salem… and actually had a much better time then before. Now, the stuff I said last year still applies, so I won’t repeat that. But the biggest difference was that this year… I went in costume. So not only was I “people-watching”… but I was also being watched by people.

Now, I did put some effort in to my costume. When I have the time to actually plan out in advance and make my own costume… I do pretty well. Last time I did was in 2001… I went as a tiger. To be precise… I was Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes (greatest comic strip ever). I was simultaneously cute and lovable, and scary and terrifying… exactly like Hobbes himself (just ask him). Man, I wish I kept that costume…

But this year, the concept of it was a little more simplistic… but still required a bit of advance work… and I made the extra effort this year.

So what did I go as?

Charlie Brown… and his costume from It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

When I went online looking for patterns and instructions how to make it… all I could really find was “just get an old sheet and cut a bunch of holes in it. You’re all done!”

No. Sorry… but that’s stupid. That’s what he did in the cartoon… but this is supposed to be a real-life representation of it. In the cartoon, a hole in the sheet shows a black oval. In reality, it’s a hole… that you see through, and see the face beyond. There’s no blackness involved. Plus, when you drape a sheet over yourself, there’s extra material falling where you don’t want it, and not enough material where you need it… you don’t get the simple cylindrical-shape that you get in the cartoon… because it’s a drawing.

I wanted to look like I came right out of the TV and started walking around. Sure, maybe I’m a tall Charlie Brown… but I think I did okay, all things considered. I bought a sheet and sewed it to try and get the right shape, and stitched black felt “holes” all over myself. For the eyes? I bought black mesh, folded it up and put it over the eye holes. No one could see in, but I could see out fairly easily. Yet, when it got dark, I knew it’d be even harder to see… so I’d have to eventually take it off. So, I made sure to make a yellow shirt and stitched the black scribble across the belly… for the full Charlie Brown effect.

But the part I’m probably most proud of… I had an Mp3 player with built-in speakers. I loaded the music of Vince Guaraldi on it… and when I walked around, you could hear “Linus and Lucy” (commonly known as “The Peanuts Theme”) quite clearly.

I am nothing if not dedicated.

Yet, I was incredibly surprised by the number of people that not only wanted my picture… but wanted a picture WITH me. I was stopped quite frequently by people politely asking for a photo op. It was really neat… I’ve *never* had that happen before. And when they heard the music… their smiles got so big it just made me smile, too.

Though… there were a very few select people that DIDN’T know what my costume was. A few were young kids… calling me, “That tall polka-dotted guy.” (I’m tall? Well… maybe to them.) Those I can understand… maybe they just never sat down and watched the show in their mere 10 years on earth. But I did run into an older woman who apparently thought I was the “ghost of a spotted cow”… but it clicked in when I told her. The coup de gras, however… a woman ran up to me and said, “Excuse me… I’m from Channel 4 news. What are you?”

“Uh…. Charlie Brown?”

“Oh, okay.” And then she walked away. The cameraman wasn’t pointing the camera at me or anything, so I don’t know why she bothered to tell me she was from the news… but I really wanted to say, “You don’t recognize an American Cultural Icon of Halloween for the last 50 years… and you’re job is to inform the masses????” I can understand the occasional person not figuring it out… but someone in the media shouldn’t be one of them. Am I wrong?

Anyway, like I said… I had a good time. Got a lot of pictures of other good costumes, met some nice people… even saw a guy dressed as Jeebus with a sign saying, “Judgment Day is Nigh! Show Me Your Tits and I Will Judge Them.” (Which I thought was *really* funny. I hope it pissed off the obnoxious street preachers who were constantly spouting how everyone deserves Hell. Why you gotta preach hate?)

One thing I’m surprised I *didn’t* see? More political costumes. A friend and I were remarking how we hadn’t seen any all night. I only saw one as I was walking back to my car… a guy dressed as John McCain. But that was it.

I found that surprising, as we were just 4 days away from Election at the time.

Of which… to take the opportunity of a segue…

Yes, of course I voted. I got up an extra half-hour early, left my house early so I could hit the polls before work. (I knew I wouldn’t have time afterwards) The most difficult wait was the traffic. But the voting itself? In and out in less then 5 minutes. We didn’t have the new-fangled electronic voting booths in our town. Ours was the old fashioned pen-to-paper kind. Your ballot is basically a scan-tron sheet like in school, and you blacken in the little circle for the people you’re voting for. And apparently, there are no propositions right now in my state, so we’re just voting for the people. *shrug*

Normally, I keep my voting selection private… because I am and always will be an Independent. I don’t go with the whole “Are you a Republican or a Democrat?” crapola. That’s why I don’t vote in the primaries. When you enter the building, they ask you which side you want to see… and they register you AS THAT SIDE. I’m not saying I AM a Democrat… I just want to see what they have to say. I plan to do the same for the Republican side… but they don’t allow that. You’re only allowed to listen to one side in the primaries, and I’m not down with that. I want to look at one set of options and pick what I think is the best. Then look at ANOTHER set of options, pick the best one from there… then have those two choices start talking to try and convince me. They don’t let you do it that way. In the election, you can be independent… in the primaries, they have to label you. So I don’t do the Primaries.

But I did vote for Barack Obama. I think in large part because he’s more inspirational then most other candidates in the last 20+ years. And I think national esteem and identity is at a low point… and overall we NEED someone inspirational now more than ever. It’s a damn good country we have… and we want to feel good about being Americans again. I think National Identity is kind of important.

So I think that this IS a historic moment in a few ways. And not just because of the color of Barack’s skin. (Of which it’s technically false to call him the first African-American President… because he’s Bi-Racial. His mom is white, and his dad is black. Which makes him a great bridge of the two worlds, yes… but media likes to throw out buzzwords without always having the accuracy to back it up. I’m just saying.)

I’m not saying that John McCain would be a BAD leader. In fact… frankly, I think he wouldn’t be too shabby. The personality he showed at his concession speech was the same one he showed at the very beginning of his campaign… but had completely disappeared throughout the middle. Had he showed that grace in the last several months, I would have listened to him more. But I think the strategists in the Republican Party (who don’t care about policies, politics, or the best man for the job… they just care about winning) told him, “This is what you need to do to win. Now do it.” So the mudslinging started. (Hey, Obama’s camp had them, too.)

I also believe those same strategists told him to do what would become the absolute deal-breaker for me. He picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. I believe they came up to him and said, “America doesn’t want to see 2 Old White Men in the White House this time around. No matter what, the Democrats are giving them something different… so we HAVE to shake this up or we’re done for. Here, this one seems like a good puppet!”

When I first heard she was picked… I said, “Okay, let’s give her a chance. I know nothing about her, so let’s see what she’s got.” The first thing I read: She’s a staunch supporter of Abstinence-Only Education.

“I’m out!”

Yeah… because it doesn’t work. The numbers tell you it doesn’t work. The kids themselves tell you it doesn’t work. Guess what? It doesn’t work. Her own DAUGHTER is a teenage pregnancy… though, apparently that’s okay because “they’re planning to get married, anyway.” (Even though the guy’s MySpace profile clearly stated he didn’t want to get married or even have a long-term relationship with the girl. The same profile that mysteriously disappeared shortly after… Gee, who did that, I wonder?) That’s not even talking about all the OTHER things I read shortly after.

2 weeks after she was announced, I saw a book in the bookstore with her picture large and in-charge on the front… the title of the book was “Sarah: How a hockey mom turned the political establishment upside down”. Sorry, she didn’t “turn it upside-down”. It only made so much news because it was a completely nonsensical choice, that has no basis in this, or any other, plain of reality. She is not a “maverick”… no matter how often she says the damn word. I don’t care for her being a “hockey mom”… which is no slight on hockey moms. I’ve known Soccer Moms and Football Moms and many other types… but NONE of them are people I would want to place on the other side of the table… from Kim Jong Il. Or any of the other 1,000 psychos with political power in this world. (Hilary, at least, would grab them by the balls and twist… figuratively AND literally.) She has contradicted herself several times, shown ignorance and intolerance… and knowing that she might be a heartbeat away from the presidency… honestly scared me. That’s what shot McCain in the foot. If it was anyone else he picked… I would have had a harder decision.

So, I feel we dodged a bullet with this election. For that, I’m very thankful. I went to sleep Tuesday night pleased.

Woke up Wednesday, however… not-so-pleased.

When I discovered that Prop 8 in California passed. Proposition 8 is for the Ban of Gay Marriage. (Arizona and Florida passed it, too.)

I don’t care that I’m straight. I don’t care that I no longer live in California. I called that state “home” for 7 years, and many people that I love are still there… so I feel I have a vested interest in what happens out there. Finding out that several of my friends now are about to have their marriages dissolved, as if they never happened. And many more that are now told they’ll never be able to marry the person they love.

Those that know me, know that I would take bullets for my friends. But there’s nothing I can do about this. And it hurts so much, I’ve actually cried over this.

In the same 24 hour period of electing a historic president… a culmination of a movement that started with Abraham Lincoln and gained momentum with Martin Luther King Jr… as one minority group is validated, another is pushed down and is now LEGALLY considered to be second-class citizens, and not granted the basic human rights of others.

Hell, I was shocked to find that it was such a close race! (51% to 49%) I felt sure that it would be blown out of the water! But no. Why there are still people who so readily promote hate and discrimination on such a grand level… astounds me to no end.

I’ve heard their arguments… “the government doesn’t have the right to legislate the definition of marriage that’s been around for hundreds of years!” Pardon me… isn’t that EXACTLY what you’ve just done? You’ve used legislation and the political process to legally define what marriage is??? That is known as Hypocrisy.

I’ve heard their logic… “to protect the sanctity of marriage”. Okay, you’ve just opened up a can of worms… because they’re constantly using the word “sanctity”. “Sanctity” refers to something that is “Sacred”, which is a term to refer to something that is Holy or “From God”. That means you’re talking about RELIGION.

First amendment of the Constitution (correct me if I’m wrong) explicitly states that we’re allowed the “Freedom of Religion”. So what’s “Sacred” to one person isn’t so to another person… and that’s a-okay! You can’t infringe on their BASIC freedom of religion!

Wait a minute… what’s that say? Right there… look… here, at the Constitution. A little further down. What’s this, “Separation of Church and State”? Oh yeah… that means that Religion and Government have to stay as FAR away from each other as possible. One cannot dictate or influence the other.

So if marriage is a RELIGIOUS institution… then you can’t say anything, because THEIR religious beliefs allow them to marry, and we protect that with blood, sweat and history… and government can’t do anything about it.

If marriage is a LEGAL institution… then religion has absolutely nothing to do with it. Since the sole arguments against Gay Marriage is all about religion… then they have NO argument.

And if it’s both? Well, you’re doubly fucked. So take one of them and sit the fuck down. Take the other and shut the fuck up.

Proposition 8 should never have been on the ballot in the first place.

But hope remains.

There are some lawsuits already filed… trying to get this overturned. The one that I think is the most logical one has to do with “minor” and “major” changes. In California, minor changes are “amendments”, and are passed with a majority vote (51% or more). But major changes, “revisions”, have to be passed with a 2/3 majority vote.

Does taking away the civil rights of an entire demographic qualify as a “minor change”? I think not. Hopefully, the State Supreme Court of California will also see it that way. If so… then Prop 8 is 15% short, and it will be overturned!

People may have failed… but maybe Justice can still win.

So we have to remain hopeful. As hopeful as we were Tuesday night when we told the world who we wanted our new leader to be.

As hopeful as Linus, who dutifully sits every year in the most sincere Pumpkin Patch he can find… believing and hoping that The Great Pumpkin will finally arrive.

Now I’m waiting, too.

Bedroom Communism

Because it’s too good of a title to NOT use.

The starting idea for this entry came from a conversation I had with a friend about the topic of “Threesomes” or Menage a Trois. I simply stated:

“I look at Threesomes in much the same way that I look at Communism. Sounds like a great idea… Looks great on paper… but just doesn’t work in the real world.”

I still stand by that. It seems to be something that adds a lot of unnecessary complications to something that is already, by its very nature, complicated. It’d be like throwing a wrench into a monkey-house… someone will get hurt before they get the banana. (Wasn’t sure where I was going with that sentence… but it actually makes a bit of perverted sense in the end.)

I’ve can think of two dissertations on the arguments favoring Threesomes. One is an early episode of Sex and the City. One of the characters talks about how the best way to have a threesome is to be the “Guest-Star”… the outside individual that is not in a relationship with the other two, so you have no emotional connection or commitment, and therefore has no obligation or even a care if any ensuing drama commences. (Kind of a cold approach to it… but admittedly valid.)

The other was from author/blogger/podcaster Violet Blue, who runs and writes a website called Tiny Nibbles, which is, in my opinion, a VERY good sex-education site... one of the best. It’s fun and informative, she’s open and intelligent… and extremely easy on the eyes. (But then, I may just have a thing for Beautiful Brunettes in Glasses. Or just Beautiful Brunettes. Or just Beautiful.)

Anyway, one of her podcasts talks about Threesomes, and methods to introduce it into your relationship should a couple want to do so. She talks a lot about “laying ground rules”, lots and lots of communication, as well as using a nonsensical “safe word” should one start to feel left out, knowing when to stop, etc. All good concepts… and I’d agree, if you’re going to bring in a guest-star, that DOES sound like the best, healthiest way to go about it.

I’m just not a fan of the logistics. Not in the preparing and communication parts… I’m all for those. I mean the logistics of the actual ACT of the Threesome.

I’m a guy that likes to please my lady (when I have one). Bringing in a second... now I have to please ANOTHER? Sheesh! I try to give it my all to my partner, so that means I have to either double my effort… an even more tiring prospect… or split the effort. At the very least, I’m splitting my focus, and I don’t like doing that. That’s not an area I want to squeak by with doing a half-ass job, know what I mean?

As a counter-argument to that, I’ve had some people tell me, “Okay… but you could also just lie back and have 2 women pleasure YOU.” I guess that’s true… but I actually don’t like that idea. I don’t like sitting back and being greedy, without putting forth effort myself. I think half the pleasure is being pro-active… and getting without giving would just make me feel guilty, and hence I wouldn’t be enjoying it as much.

Plus, I don’t like being a hypocrite. Because if I have the desire to be involved in a Male-Female-Female Threesome… then by rights, I have to be okay with the idea of being involved in a Male-Female-MALE Threesome as well. Frankly, I don’t think I like the idea of sharing my lady with another naked dude. Nope. Not for me. (Though if it’s for you… more power to ya.) Sorry… In that manner, I *am* greedy.

I can only recall one instance that I heard of a Threesome actually “working”. Chatting with 2 friends one day… talking about dating, and one guy told us his “once-in-a-lifetime-chance-encounter” of how he met two girls at a party… they all hit it off, and that night, they had a threesome. No one was in a relationship with anyone else… and no one felt any emotional pain or jealousy afterwards. Clean break for all involved (seemingly, at least). The guy said it “just happened”, and was a total fluke, the chances were one-in-a-million (though it was in Hollywood… so if there’s any place where the chances may increase, it’d probably be there. So “2-in-a-million”, then), and won’t happen again, no matter how hard he tries.

In a normal “Threesome” situation, a clean break won’t be so easy to attain. Two of the people will be in a relationship, and committed to each other. In something like that, if it’s going to happen, both partners have to truly *want* the experience, 100%, gung-ho, “let’s-do-this-thang!” When one partner is pushing the other (mostly the guy trying to get the girl to go with it… big surprise there, right?), that’s just a recipe for disaster and pain. If one is 100%, and the other is only 95%... you’re better off NOT doing it.

In fact, it’s a major annoyance of mine to hear when some guys are really pushing for it because of the fact that their girlfriend is a Bisexual… “So *obviously* she’s into it!” Uh…. No. Guess what, Sparky? Just because she’s attracted to guys AND girls… doesn’t mean she wants them AT THE SAME TIME!! Hey, I like Milk and Orange Juice… but I don’t drink them simultaneously! *sigh* Assholes.

(and by the way… just because your girlfriend is singing along to “I Kissed A Girl” doesn’t mean she’s bisexual, either. It just means she likes modern music.)

Of all my Bi-friends… more have told me they felt “pressured” into a Threesome, then there were ones that were suggesting it in the first place. And if you try to pressure someone into doing something they don’t really want to do… well, for one, you’re not going to get their best effort… so will it really be worth it? Plus, they’ll probably end up having more than a tad bit of resentment towards you. Yeah, suffice to say, you will lose a few brownie points with them, at the very least.

Then again, what do I know? I don’t have a lot of experience in that area… I’ve never had the opportunity for a Threesome… never been offered, never had it suggested, nor have I ever suggested it myself.

I just do a LOT of thinking. And there’s still so much that confuses me.

I’d even go so far to say that the formal Sex Education I got in school was pretty horrible. In our school system, it was first introduced in 7th grade… and didn’t really tell us much. They showed the disgusting side-view dissections of the penis and vagina… and that was pretty much it. In all honesty… I didn’t even know the concept of “insertion” was involved until about 4 years later when I got a glimpse of my first adult film as a teenager. Isn’t that freaking pathetic?

Birth control was barely touched on… they never even mentioned masturbation as a healthy, safe alternative, or anything about emotions and feelings. Alternative lifestyles? No such thing… It was just a lot of fallopian tubes, ovaries, testes, glands and other medical words… coupled with “Don’t do it.”

Wow… that was unhelpful. The only sexual-thing I learned in public school was, “be ashamed of your spontaneous erections. They’re not normal in the least and are the easiest thing for kids to make fun of you for.” Sweet Jeebus, I got better Sex Ed watching The Electric Company than I got from that school system.

Most of my learning came from my own research. Normally, I wasn’t crazy about reading non-fiction outside of school… but face it; Sex is a REALLY interesting topic. So, to quote one of my favorite stand-up comedians, Emo Philips:

“I learned about women the hard way… through books.”

Yeah, I read a lot. I was a late bloomer in terms of physically dating… but when I actually got to it… I was fairly well-researched, theory-wise. My first girlfriend really didn’t believe that she was my *first* girlfriend because she told me, “Well… you seem to know what you’re doing.” (Sure, there’s the possibility it was just ego-stroking… but I’ll take it.)

Thankfully, with the advent of the Internet, it’s gotten easier… sure there’s a lot of porn out there, but there are also a lot of useful sites. Like I mentioned before, Violet Blue’s Tiny Nibbles is a great site for that kind of info (on ALL aspects of Sex and Sexuality). But there’s also the radio show Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky (a celebrity doctor that actually knows what he’s talking about… he’s a *practicing* physician.)… they stream it online, but you might also be able to find a local radio station that carries it. It’s probably one of the best resources out there for young people wondering about Sex and Health.

Yet, as interesting as I found it, Sex was never something I put THAT much emphasis on, when it came right down to it. Now a friend once heard me mention that, and she interpreted that to mean that I “didn’t like” sex. Far from it. Hell, I’d love to get it every day if I could. What I meant was that… Yes, it’s an enjoyable thing… but there are also lots of OTHER things I enjoy. Being on stage… hanging with friends and laughing till your face hurts… having a great conversation... As great and important as Sex is, there *are* a lot more things in life. That was always my philosophy… so it always enabled me to easily wait for the lady in the relationship… and let her dictate the pace, sexual-wise. Sure, some relationships went faster than others… but no matter how brief or how long I was with someone, I do not regret ANY of the women I’ve been with. Nope. Not one. (Though there hasn’t been that many of them)

But these days… I *am* putting more emphasis on Sex. I still believe there’s more to life… and I will still wait on the lady, and all that. But now, once its introduced into a relationship… its downright unfair and callous to try and remove it, without severing the relationship altogether. Beforehand… I think I wasn’t putting ENOUGH emphasis on it. It’s like when you’re sewing two pieces of fabric together. You can easily get by without putting in the Sex Stitch… but once you do, trying to pull it out later will just make everything else unravel. I’ve been in that situation. It sucks… AND blows. More than you can imagine. Having that intimacy and then NOT having it… is not just about physicality and orgasmic gratification. And it unravels more than just a relationship.

(Though I have been told I think a bit “like a chick”)

One last thing I wanted to mention before the end of this… is the fact that I absolutely HATE the idea of “Damaged Goods”. I’ve heard more then a few people over the years that consider themselves as such… and it’s at the point now where it flat-out pisses me off. We’re humans… not “Goods”. We are not bought and sold… (or at least, we shouldn’t be) and I don’t like people using slave terminology when referring to their options of happiness.

I know some women that consider themselves as such because of the fact they are single mothers. In a roundabout way, that’s partially laying blame on the existence of the kids… and I kind of take it personally when a kid is being blamed for something that’s not their fault. (More accurately, that’s the kind of thing that would incur my wrath.) Plus… it’s blaming them self for not picking the right partner in the first place. So what? You made a mistake in judgment. It happens to the best of us. Yes, some choices bring about consequences, but you know what? It’s never too late.

A woman having kids is NOT a deal-breaker for me. I’ve briefly dated women with kids before… and I’ve been *rejected* by women with kids before (even with the old, “Sure-let’s-do-this-again-and-then-never-return-my-calls” method). As long as I know that some time can be carved out for me… I’m okay with the idea of dating a single mom. (But I do need to know the Sperm Donor is out of the picture… if he’s still allowed to make life a living hell, that’s a sign of deeper problems, in my humble opinion) Yes, there’s a lot of guys that won’t want to get involved with a single mother… but there are guys that don’t mind it at all, and even think of it as less of a problem than *I* do.

The other type of woman that seems to consider herself as “damaged goods” is the “promiscuous” type. I put that in quotes because I think it’s a word whose definition isn’t the same as it used to be… in fact, it’s all a matter of perspective on what you think “promiscuous” is. 80 years ago, a woman that’s slept with 1 guy out of wedlock would be a “harlot”. Nowadays, some people can hear a number up in the 20s and consider that “normal”… while others would hear it and think “slut”.

There was a non-fiction book I read called Fast Girls: Teenage Tribes and the Myth of the Slut. (This was the book that gave me the quote which inspired the whole “anonymous forum” part of this column.) It was all about dissecting the idea and archetype of the “Slut” in society, and looking at the specific stories of women who were branded as “the Slut” when they were young. Some of the rumors spread about them were true… most were false… and all of the stories were remarkably similar. It’s not so much a book about promiscuity… but rather more about how cruel the “Grapevine” can be.

If you take one of those girls, and actually assume that the stories are true… they slept with 50+ guys, or whatever. Well, we live in a Cause-and-Effect world… these kinds of actions have their origins and seeds from earlier on. Maybe a sexual assault, or abuse growing up… something made it click in the gal’s head that sex = approval or abuse = love or however they’re thinking of it… but they’re getting around, searching for that love and approval. (It could also be, they just REALLY like Sex… and nothing to do with any trauma. It happens.) Are these women truly less deserving of finding Love?

Hell, I’d argue that they’re probably MORE deserving of Love, because they were dealt such a lousy hand that gave them these skewed ideas in the first place. (You won’t recognize Heaven until you’ve been through Hell.) We all make relationship mistakes… and some people will make a lot more than others. Why would you be rejected for being human?

The only concern that I would have, personally, is that of Health. As long as I’m truthfully told that disease is not to be worried about… as our modern technology brings us protection and medicines to help PREVENT that sort of thing (sometimes even just blind luck)… I don’t see a problem. She likes you, you like her, you’re both clean… what’s stopping you from giving it a shot with each other?

Do guys still have a fascination of being with a Virgin? Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about some of the health things I mentioned above… (But SHE may have to worry about them from YOU) and maybe guys look at it as “she has no frame of reference, therefore I *will* be the best she’s had! Huzzah!” Hmmm… Maybe that’s why they don’t like the so-called “loose” ones… they’re afraid of being compared to other guys, which means it’s their own insecurities holding them back. Well… I’m actually confidant in my own abilities, thank-you-very-much… and always willing to learn. Being a Virgin isn’t going to be a detriment (like the “kids” thing)… But, it’s not going to be a point of attraction, either.

Frankly, I don’t care if I’m your first.

I don’t care if I’m the 10th… or the 50th… or the 100th.

I only care about hopefully being the Last.

I let everyone start on equal footing, regardless of their history. Everyone is the same… just like Communism.

Which is the only part of Communism that I think is worth a thought.

Mother-$@#%&!!

Request by (and blame to be attributed to) Fritz.
Alright…you may have seen the “NC-17” rating at the bottom of this page. That’s not an official government-slapped certification… just a silly little “find what your website is rated” kind of thing. Someone made a program that does it for you, and it’s solely meant for entertainment value. And even though I don’t think I get too nasty or controversial on this blog… the program gave me “NC-17” because of the occurrence of certain words… most of them stemming from my very first post… which was about a movie-premiere party for a Light-Bondage and Discipline Porn Film. So, I wasn’t getting violent or writing anything blatantly and purposefully offensive… I was just peripherally talking about Sex. (Go figure)

Well… today, let’s EARN that NC-17 rating! And talk about some Mother-Fuckin swear words! Huzzah!

Now, I can’t say I particularly *like* cussing… nor can I say I hate it.

Actually, my views on it are probably a little contradictory.

On one hand, I see the point of view of them being “bad words”… and in the interest of manners, civilization and appropriateness… I can see why some wouldn’t want them to be said. In fact, sometimes I have to watch myself to make sure I don’t say any “bad words” around kids.

Which of course, then begs the question… what makes them bad? For instance…. Shit, Poo, Doo-Doo and Crap are all talking about the exact same thing. All synonyms of the same noun… and when using it as a metaphor, they can be interchanged there as well. So what makes one phonetic formation worse or more offensive than the other? What exactly is so offensive about “Doo-Doo”? (Wait… is that the one? Or is it Poo?)

Which leads me to the other hand… my “Fan of Lenny Bruce” hand. He used a lot of naughty words in his stand-up act… because he felt they were only words. If certain words were offensive or had any kind of “power” to them, it was because we gave it to them. As Saint Lenny himself said:

“It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.”

So… to battle this idea… he used them. A lot! He was actually thrown in jail numerous times for violations of “indecency laws”. Later on, his entire act would be just reading the transcripts of his Indecency Trials… trying to point out how hilarious the whole situation is… because they’re only words.

One of the first bits of his that I ever read about involved using pretty much every racial slur imaginable inside of 45 seconds. He would go on to say:

"Now why have I done this? Is it only for shock value? Well, if all the niggers started calling each other nigger, not only among themselves, which they do anyway, but among others. If President Kennedy got on television and said: 'I'm considering appointing two or three of the top niggers in the country to my cabinet' -- if it was nothing but nigger, nigger, nigger -- in six months nigger wouldn't mean any more than good night, god bless you... -- when that beautiful day comes, you'll never see another nigger kid come home from school crying because some motherfucker called him a nigger."

Holy crap… shock comedy with an actual POINT! I think that *would* be a beautiful day… but we’re not there yet… and he was talking about this in the early 60s. (It’s probably worth noting that I’m *only* comfortable writing or saying the N-word when I’m quoting Lenny Bruce.)

It’s there… they’re just words, and we have “Freedom of Speech” in this country… so go nuts. What’s the big deal?

That’s when I think that personal tastes come into it… because I actually try to watch my OWN language, (even as a Lenny Bruce fan). I wholeheartedly agree that a lot of words need to be stripped of their power… but to let a *few* of them retain some power and strength to them… isn’t entirely a bad thing.

Take “Fuck” for instance.

There was a guy in High School… looked like he was straight out the 70’s. He had a poofy kind of mullet, always wore jeans, a heavy-metal t-shirt, a brown leather jacket… I think he fancied himself some kind of “rebel without a care”. And he used the F-bomb, literally, as every other word in a sentence.

“What the fuck is this fuckin shit? I fuckin, don’t fuckin care about the fuckin homework. Fuckin, why the fuck do I fuckin gotta do this fuckin stupid fuckin thing?”

It literally took him twice the time to say anything, because he was adding so many “fucks”. Wow… I’ve never heard a swear word mean LESS coming from anyone else. Now, I highly doubt he had the wherewithal to be pulling a “Lenny Bruce” here… no, he didn’t have a social message he was trying to impart… he just thought he was “playing by his own rules”. (I think he actually sounded more like an idiot.)

I’m sure we’ve all seen the chain e-mails and gags that illustrate the variety of uses for that word… it can be a noun, adjective, a title, a qualifier… pretty much anything you need it for. Because it CAN be used in so many ways… it’s important that you’re careful not to overuse it. Think of “Fuck” like Spider-Man… “with great power, comes great responsibility.”

So I say be careful where you use it… because it’s such a great word.

Especially when an attractive member of your preferred sex is using it as a verb, in a request involving you and saying it with a particular look in their eye. But I digress…

I remember when I was a Senior in High School… walking down the hall with a few acquaintances of mine. And in our conversation, I swore. I don’t remember if I was angry about something (I don’t think so) or what… or even what I said, but I used a swear word. One of the ones I was walking with was a young lady and was suddenly a bit shocked, saying, “I don’t think I ever heard you swear before!”

Well… I *had* sworn before… but I think I realized that I didn’t really do it that often (at least in public). Hence the shock when I did.

A few years later, I went through a period when I swore a lot more often… don’t know why, I just did. After one particular instance of interspersing several curse words, a friend of mine actually paused and studied me for a second… then saying, “Nah, swearing doesn’t work for you.”

I think it doesn’t necessarily “work” for me… because I’ve always looked younger than I was. It was like hearing a young kid, or a toddler, say “Motherfucker”. Shocking yes… but also freaking funny as hell, so you can’t take it seriously. So, me looking more “innocent” and young… the extreme swearing just didn’t “feel” right when hearing it from me. Nowadays, even if I look younger than I am… that younger-looking age is old enough that hearing swears and cusses from me sounds a little more normal.

Still… I do like to be careful of my language. Being a writer, I like to consider myself as having a decent-sized vocabulary… (and find it a point of pride that I’ve been able to use the word “Machiavellian” in a normal conversation) and I think its more interesting to not have to rely on the same old words time after time. Which makes it give the words a little more punch when a well-placed “bitch” or “fuck” is thrown in.

Course, there are some swears that don’t have a lot of meaning to me, so they’ll be thrown in willy-nilly to a conversation, and it just feels like saying a preposition or any other word. Like “hell”, “ass”, “damn”… whatever. Those are no big deal.

Now “Jesus”… is a special case. You may notice in this blog, that I don’t use it. Rather, I use “Jeebus”. Now, I don’t consider it “taking the Lord’s name in vain”… because I don’t think I’m using it in vanity, nor am I even a religious person. So… it honestly doesn’t really mean anything to me… not in a positive or negative way. I don’t use it that way… NOT because I’m afraid of offending people… but rather, I say “Jeebus” (of which that pronunciation comes from The Simpsons) solely because I find it funny. That’s it.

There ARE some words that I don’t use at all. The aforementioned “N-word”… because it is still MAJORLY taboo. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if that word simply went away… and NOONE used it at all. (It’s hypocritical to say that one group can use it, and another can’t. Even if that one group is using it to “take away its power”… the fact that you won’t let other groups use it is only FEEDING it that power.) The word is associated with so much hate… that it would be better to just erase it from everyone’s brain. And in 100 years, if the word is rediscovered, the context will be completely lost to history and won’t make any sense to those finding it. They’ll say, “Who cares?”… and then it will truly be finished.

I also don’t use the “C-word”… and I’m not sure why I think it’s on that level of “that bad”. Maybe it’s the hard consonant sounds at the beginning and end of the word… makes it sound harsh and uber-insulting. But it’s a female body part… that’s it. We have no problem using the synonyms… especially in the heat of the moment when that type of language is appropriate, and even encouraged from your loved one. Even amongst many people that advocate swearing and freedom of speech… the C-Word is still seen as ultra-taboo and very few seem to want to even touch it.

But the first time I ever saw The Vagina Monologues… a friend of mine was performing the piece entitled, “Reclaiming C*nt”. And… Holy Crap… she made that word sound SOOOO freaking Sexy. Wow! And the point of the piece was really to take away that negative power to it… and in the context of that monologue, it totally works. (Not to mention that my friend totally nailed it... it was awesome!) Unfortunately, outside of that… it’s still a harsh, unforgiving word. That is one I’d like to see have its power taken away. Not so that *I* can say it… I have no desire for that… but rather because no part of the human body (especially a woman’s) should be presented as a negative.
Which reminds me of another Lenny Bruce quote:

“If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.”

Yeah, it really does all come back to Saint Lenny. (His autobiography How to Talk Dirty and Influence People is great… one of the extremely few biographies I ever had an interest in reading.)

I’m actually going to make a recommendation here… if you’re interested in learning more about cussing and some different viewpoints on the social implications… the show Penn & Teller’s Bullshit!... has an episode all about the subject of profanity. Very much worth watching… entertaining and even a bit educational.

There. Don’t ever say I don’t promote education.

I’ll end off with another quote… this time from the late, great George Carlin. A very poignant moment from one of his most famous routines:

“Shit, Piss, Cunt, Fuck, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits.”