Unleashing the Id

Love is a word that is constantly heard
Hate is a word that is not
Love, I am told is more precious than gold
Love, I have heard is hot
But hate is the verb that to me is superb
And love, just a drug on the mart
For any kiddie from school can love like a fool
But hating, my boy is an art
-Ogden Nash

I don’t generally consider myself a “hateful” guy… I may be a bit cynical, sure. Are there issues I’m passionately opposed to due to ethical and intellectual grounds? Sure. Are there people in my life that I prefer to avoid and vent about? Absolutely. Are there individuals that have “crossed the line” with me, thereby giving me no moral qualms about taking my frustrations out on them with a rusty crowbar followed by a lemon-juice hose-down and a salt-blast chaser? Who doesn’t?

But I’m not talking about the so-called “Legitimate Hates”… the understandable ones. If you’re related to a close-minded racist whose hobby is insulting you and killing every small animal you try to adopt… it’s perfectly alright to hate them. That is completely justified. Are there people actively infringing the civil rights of the people you love? Guess what? You can hate them. (Side note: Prop 8 Overturned! Suck it, you Bible-thumping “Family Value” Pricks!)

In fact, I find it hard to believe there are people who “don’t hate anyone or anything”. Well… then frankly, you don’t exist. Yes, I’m actively denying the fact that you were ever conceived and resided within this dimensional plane. To your face. If you say there is truly nothing to raise your ire; a) I call “BS”… and b) I’m looking forward to the challenge.

But again, I’m not a hateful person… I do believe that love is stronger then hate… that positive outweighs the negative. I believe that humanity, on the whole… can be good. That’s the way I’m wired. Yet, I do think that hate can actually bring about some good things in this world. One of the biggest reasons the U.S.A. even came into being was because our founding fathers hated King George III. (Take a look at the Declaration of Independence… most of the reasons listed all start with “He”… “He has refused… “, “He has forbidden…”, “He has obstructed…”) Nothing against the British citizens… nothing against the country… they hated HIM. Heck, sometimes just the act of loving something necessitates that you have to hate the thing that opposes it. (To again cite Prop 8; I love my Gay Friends, so for even that alone, I hate anyone that wants to take away their right to love.) Without a certain amount of hate for the big things… nothing would ever get done.

Except I’m not talking about the big stuff. No, I’m going for the relatively petty stuff. The crap that might be expressed in a stand-up comedy routine. The stuff that you don’t bother to address because of the Social Filter we’ve developed over our lives. The really annoying, blood-boiling pet peeves that you don’t act on, but which keep pushing you to the point of wanting to scream… but you don’t, because someone would probably put you in a padded room (even if they feel the same way).

For this blog… we remove the Social Filter.

Maybe you’ll get insulted. Maybe you’d be a wishful victim of my wishful wrath. Maybe, if you met me walking down the street, you’d look at the ground while giving me a wide berth, hoping I don’t snap on you… or you’d stop me and scream and lecture me for being hateful. (Go ahead, I’d love the irony of that.) But I’m really just joining a bit of a trend here… there’s apparently a lot of home-web videos of young people just rattling off about stuff they supposedly hate. Usually they amount to just hating “school” or “stupid boys” or “dumb girls” or “parents”… but I’m not in the age demographic to mention those things (except maybe the dumb girls… some things *are* universal, after all.) No… as you may know, I tend to get a bit more specific:

1. Assholes that linger for 20 minutes BUCK NAKED in the gym locker room. Yes, that’s what the locker room is for: changing. But not to this extreme. These guys scamper quickly into the locker room (rarely watching where they’re going), and whip off all their street clothes as fast as humanly possible, getting to “jaybird” status in record time. And then… they…. sloooooooow…. dooooooowwwwwwwnnnnn. And don’t even consider putting on the workout clothes yet… because you know, the mood isn’t right. So they stretch. They groom. They stroll around. They stop and watch the TV on the wall. They see someone they know, and walk on up to talk to them, raising their leg onto a bench so they can lean their elbow on their knee. And after they’ve given their political or social dissertation for that hour, they casually walk back to their locker to MAYBE get ready to actually do some exercise. And when they’re done with said workout… the same process happens again. Even adding in a long, slow walk to the showers, with a towel slung *over the shoulder* instead of around the waist, and then standing at a sink, shaving or brushing their teeth… naked. And when they finally DO get dressed, these men pick the very sensible first item that should be put onto their fully nude-with-an-obvious-reason-to-come-to-the-gym-in-the-first-place bodies… that, very obviously being, their shirt. (Underwear? Why would THAT go first?) Then they button up their shirt. Then they put on… their socks. Then they adjust the socks, because you never can pull them up right on the first try. Then they put on their tie. Then they tie the tie. Then they undo the tie and re-do it, and adjust it. After then combing their hair, applying cologne, and then getting involved in another water-cooler debate with a fellow bottom-half-naked locker-room dweller… on goes the tighty-whiteys. Then point-3 seconds later, the pants and shoes are on, and they shoot out the door. What. The. Fuck. There’s a nice line that separates “comfortable in your skin” with “decorum”. That’s great you’re not ashamed of your own body… but you don’t need to flaunt useless cock even when being “around the guys”. I hope Rush Limbaugh mistakes you for a Coney Island Corn Dog.
   
   
2. People who say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Oh, so you’re not actually apologizing for fucking me over, you’re apologizing because *I’m upset* at you for fucking me over? So, since you’re actually shifting the blame to me… that makes your apology absolutely useless, which doesn’t actually make it an apology. Wow, that’s just as bad as saying “I’m sorry” in a pissed-off “on-the-offensive” tone of voice. You might as well be saying, “I’m not actually sorry, but I’ll say the phonetic words because you stupidly think I should, just to shut you up.” Good work, you’ve managed to make the “apology” sound more insulting then the original insult/infraction. I hope you get the first-ever case of Herpes Simplex Type 5.
   
   
3. Unnecessary Rap. Sometimes, I’d be inclined to say that “all Rap is unnecessary”… but that would be wrong. While the genre is not my favorite, there are rap songs I like to listen to, and it is absolutely a viable genre and art form… on its own. What I really find annoying is when in the middle of a Non-Rap song… some moron starts breaking out his “rhymes”. The example that comes to my mind is the song “Scream” by Chris Cornell. It’s a slow rock song, that is put to a techno-drum-machine-beat. Now, I’ve heard him do an acoustic version that sounds great… I also like the techno background version. It’s different, but I think it works decently for the song. But suddenly… in between the first and second verses, comes the producer “Timbaland” (which is a freaking retarded “artistic” name, BTW. It’d be like calling yourself “El El Beeen”, “Uh-merican Eegel”, “Wall’em Art” or anything else coming close to copyright infringement on a brand name. Where are the lawyers when you need them?). Here, this moron does a little spoken interlude, which only just repeats some of the lyrics… and I guess it can’t even be official “Rap”, because its not even to a beat, nor does it rhyme… just him “contributing his flavor” to a song that DOESN’T NEED HIM. You are no better then the annoying “hype man”, which is a whole other realm of uselessness in the musical industry. (If you’re going to perform for a crowd, and need someone else to “get people excited”… well, how come they’re not excited enough at the anticipation of seeing you? Sounds like you’re not very good, and that you even seem to know it, hence hiring him in the first place.)
   
   Now I’m all for musical artists collaborating with each other, but don’t pull this crap of coming onto their album and working on ONE song, by inserting some of the aforementioned uselessness and snagging a “featuring” credit. It’s THEIR album, let them play THEIR music. You want to show your “flavor”? Then make your own damn album, and spout it all you want, so I can have the option of not buying it, so I don’t have to listen to it. But if you REALLY want to collaborate? Then do it… on a full 12-song album, and do an actual duet with them on each and every song, and you both get equal billing. If you want to collaborate and “explore” with this other artist… don’t stop after you metaphorically “drive to the corner store”. Freaking go for it and truly see where you can go with it when you combine your efforts. (Robert Plant and Allison Krauss had it right… a whole album of collaboration. One a soft bluegrass singer… and the other from Led-Fucking-Zeppelin) Not this half-ass-flavor-shit. I hope your beloved over-priced Cristal booze gives you cold sores on your eyes.
   
   
4. People who speak with extremely thick accents on singular words of foreign origin… when the rest of their speech is in perfect white-bread English. I don’t think there’s anything that screams “Douchebag” to me faster then this. Just talking along, everything is clear and articulate… and suddenly revert to the fakest-sounding Italian/Spanish/French/Etc accent that’s ever been conceived for that Italian/Spanish/French/Etc word. It actually sounds like they’re trying to make fun of that language with this over-parodying voice… only they’re actually being serious and are claiming, “that’s the *correct* way to pronounce it”, smiling smugly all the while. Guess what? There’s a big difference between Pronunciation and Accent. They are not the same thing. Never have been, never will be. Consider that the rest of the world considers the way Americans talk as “the American Accent”. So, how many people do you know, that only speak American English… that pronounce American English words incorrectly? You may know 1, you may know 40, but you *will* know a number to say. Just because they speak in an American Accent, doesn’t mean the pronunciation is correct. I’ve known Italians from Italy that speak great English, pronouncing everything right… and saying it with their Italian accent.
   
   And sweet Jeebus help you if I happen to say a foreign word, and you try to “correct” me with that fake accent. Pray a tire iron isn’t nearby. I hope the next time you’re at the Doctor’s office, you hear the words, “Uh oh…”
   
   
5. People in handicap scooters… whose ONLY handicap is that they are extremely, gravity-victoriously, fat. If you’re in one from extreme age, no problem. Veteran with a leg blown off, victim of a horrible accident or debilitating disease? I’ll salute you as you cruise by, give you any help you need and all that. But having an extra whole pie for dessert isn’t a tragedy, it’s a very bad personal decision. But if what’s done is done, fine… but you don’t get special treatment. You don’t get to have a handicap plate or sign for your car. You can’t get a free pass to the front of a ride at Disneyland. You don’t get to claim “disability”, and you don’t get the right to complain about how difficult life is. How can it be so hard? You have a freaking scooter to cart you around! Sounds pretty easy to me! I hope that your home is infested by rats with a craving for cholesterol.
   
   
6. This one is targeted to one gender: Men. Yes, my fellow males, pay attention: Those of you that go onto Facebook, Myspace, or anything else remotely like it… find the profile of a young lady, and start writing the most moronic “pick-up” shit on their walls and comments sections, like: “Damn U fine!”, “I’d love 2 tap that! Hit me up sumtime!”, “Ur so Hott!”… and I’m not even talking about the horrible grammar. Do you honestly think that’s going to make them rip off their clothes and come running after you? Do you, in all seriousness, believe that’s going to help get you laid? I already know that when you’re directly asked, you’ll talk about “respecting a lady” and how you “don’t treat women like objects, of course not!” Which is made into Bullshit by the very fact that you don’t walk the walk. I don’t give a crap if the gal is posting a 90%-naked picture of herself in the mirror to feel sexy and good about herself. It is no time to lose all sense of decorum and respect. In fact, it’s the ideal time to SHOW it. Admire, Appreciate, then Masturbate if you must… and if you absolutely HAVE to leave a comment, it *is* possible to say something that doesn’t sound like what a lame Rapper with too much money and a skewed-world-view would say. If you have any doubt? Then don’t say anything, because when you start typing without abandon, you give the female gender more proof to their claims of “Men are stupid.” Thanks to you, they’re right.
   
   Same goes for you, you “Deep” ass-holes… I haven’t forgotten you.
   
   I hope all of you Mother-F-ers can’t ever close your eyes without instantly dreaming of Prison… where you have to pick up the soap.
   

Okay, so maybe I have a few “Rage Issues”… there may be a few more pet peeves that really get me… but this is looking long enough for now.

So maybe you laughed, maybe you were horrified, maybe you just plain agree. But what I want to know is:

What pisses YOU off?

There *will* be a test later...

I remember more about High School then I let on.

I have contemplated suicide... and homicide.

My first therapist was smokin hot... and very good at her job.

My second therapist was a complete tool... and he talked more than I did. (The dork...)

My last year of grad school was the only time where rumors that went around about me were actually complimentary. One was that I had a "monster cock", and that I was a "Beast with my Tongue". Only one of them has NO truth to it. (I like to think the other has *some* truth...)

My first kiss was at 7 years old. The second at 20.

I relish the opportunity for a frank, honest and open discussion about sex. It's more intellectually stimulating than it is physical.

I also like to pass-on good Sex Education... probably because I got such horrible kind in school, and none at home.

I have only referred to 2 girls as "whores". That's the insult I save for really special occasions/screw-overs. Though, I will call a guy a "whore" in a heartbeat, because I find it funny.

I am fascinated by the sociological quality of Porn.

"Flesh and Lace 2" was the name of the first adult film I ever saw a scene from. I was 14, and looking through non-labeled videotapes early in the morning, bored, and suddenly saw it. I was so shocked on the first image, I immediately shut it off... frantically looked around to make sure I wasn't caught... then cautiously turned it back on, with the volume ALL the way down.

I like to turn all the electric lights off and only go by candlelight. I find it very relaxing.

Greatest cookie in the world: the cheapo dollar-a-box Lemon Coolers from Sunshine. (They don't make them anymore... the Girl Scout versions aren't the same)

I love low-budget sci-fi. (Like the old Doctor Who)

One of the worst insults my brothers would use on me during High School is "You have no friends".

Favorite movie of all time: The Dark Crystal

Greatest TV show: The Muppet Show

I've slept in the nude since I was 15. For some reason, my brothers considered me a freak for this.

I've been Best Man in a wedding twice.

One other time, I caught the Garter.

I've faked orgasms.

I've spent most of my life alone, as a loner, doing things by myself (movies, restaurants, etc)... but I'm scared to be alone.

I wonder if people really want the respect that I give.

I sometimes think I'm too patient.

While I like and respect the Man that I've become... sometimes I want to be someone else.

I kinda like it when a women gets jealous over me... I consider it a huge compliment that she wants me only for herself.

... even though I go out of my way to make sure they have no reason to be jealous.

I regret a lot of things I *didn't* do in High School.

After Columbine happened, I got scared... not because I looked at the victims and thought, "oh, that could happen to me"... but I looked at the SHOOTERS and thought that.

My first girlfriend came after visiting a psychic earlier that night.

I like cooking *for* someone

I take pride in my massages.

… but wish I received more of them.

My Hollywood Dream Girl is Jennifer Love Hewitt, for her personality as much as her looks.

I’ve never been drunk

I’m interested in “knife play”

I wish I could be more assertive with women

I don’t expect women to shave anything that I don’t shave myself.

When seeing apartments or houses… I evaluate the ZDF… Zombie Defense Factor (how well would it stand up against an attack of a horde of zombies?)… even though I know that zombies don’t exist.

I will never use the same nickname for 2 girlfriends. I insist on making each one individual… no matter how fitting a previously used one would be. I feel like I wasted my favorite one, “Angel Eyes”, on someone that didn’t deserve it.

I already know the nickname I want to give to my future, unborn daughter. And I’m saving it.

I now enjoy reading non-fiction books.

I hate the term “curvy” when describing women… because most guys equate it with “fat”. I prefer “proportionate”… No matter the height or weight… if you’re proportionate, you look good to me.

My favorite author when I was younger was John Bellairs. He’s still one of my favorites.

One of my favorite activities as a teen was taking “Music Baths”. I did it almost every day.

Most of the women I’ve been romantically interested in… never knew. Or didn’t care.

These days, I tend to be attracted to women who are attracted to me. I don’t know if that’s a good reason.

I hate hearing how actors have “movies they wish they never did”. Some of my favorite movies are ones they wish they could disown. No matter the film, someone somewhere lists it as their favorite film. Don’t crap on their parade.

I’ve gotten waxed. Ow!

I think reality is sexier than fantasy.

I used to be much better at answering E-mails and regular letters. But I always feel a little joy to get an e-mail that actually has personalized content.

I have too many books that haven’t been read yet.

I always wanted to do a modern dance class.

I’ve been described as a “human cartoon”, “live Muppet” and as having “a natural affinity for slapstick”. I think its because of these that many times people think I’m joking when I’m being serious. Sometimes it hurts.

I hate when people say “Get over it”. 99% of the time, it doesn’t work. It never tries to find out WHY I’m not over “it”, so it never actually helps.

I *really* hate it when guys refer to themselves as “Thugs” and use the word “Thug” as a badge of honor. A “Thug” is a mindless minion… a Peon of the main villain. And he’s the first (and easiest) to die when the Hero or Police come through.

I never give a standing ovation to a community theatre, college or high school production. Too many times, the show sucked anyway, and the only reason people are standing and cheering, is because it’s their friends and family, not based on overwhelming talent. Even if the show is good, I won’t give one. I remain seated.

The only thing that scares me… is Me.

Cheat sheet...

I had always thought I would be married and having my first kid by age 32.

I got involved in Theatre initially as a way to get out of the house and away from my family, then came to love it with a passion.

I love the show Cleopatra 2525... the only difference between it and Porn is that after watching Porn... I don't feel guilty.

I sometimes feel jealous of people that drink/are drinking. It seems like they have so much more fun than I do.

If I didn't go to school for Theatre, I would have gone to culinary school to be a chef.

I rarely consciously know what to say.

While I've always been comfortable with my sexuality (straight), and have no problem with sex topics... it's only in the last year or so that I've started to consider *myself* a "sexual being". (not sure if that makes sense)

Sometimes I feel like I failed.

I often take statements much harder than I let on.

Its almost impossible to purposely insult me... but easy to do it accidentally.

I'm also easily satisfied with partners. Sometimes too easy.

My imagination can run away... and not in good ways.

I'm not religious... or spiritual... or put much stock in Tarot cards, psychics, etc... but I have a set of Viking Runes that I consult when I'm confused or just curious of the future or how to handle a situation.

I want to have a crush on someone like I did when I was a sophomore in high school.

I own 3 pairs of vecro handcuffs, vibrators and two sets of nipple clamps that I got from 2 places... a promo function at a Sex shop... and a Movie Premiere party for an adult film. Haven't used them yet. (Don't think I want to use the nipple clamps... ow!)

I consider myself to have a "superhero complex".

There's a few select individuals that I regret NOT causing them physical pain.

Sometimes I want to know what its like to treat people like dirt, but have everyone love me anyway. It's a contradiction I've seen exist, but can never understand.

I wish I was more confident.

Women in smart-looking business suits turn me on to no end.

Sometimes, I like being on the inside of the spoon.

I like to go to the movies alone.

I was voted the Shyest in my 8th Grade class...

...& most everyone that knew of me was completely shocked when I started doing theatre. I appeared to do a complete 180…

…though at the time, I really didn’t.

I love good horror movies, and am fascinated by what scares people. I think one of the best ways to know a culture or person, is to know what scares them.

I've never made assumptions or judgments on people when hearing about their past sexual history. I have, however, done so when hearing about their religion.

I really believe that the combination of my favorite band and my old cat saved my life in High School.

I'm the youngest in my family, and the first to move out on my own.

I am listed on the Internet Movie Database

I lost my virginity at age 20.

I wish I had things in common with my father.

I actually enjoyed going to therapy... for all the reasons I'm NOT supposed to enjoy it.

The sexiest lingerie to me is either boy shorts and a t-shirt, or pajama pants and a tank top.

I wish past girlfriends had wanted to borrow and wear my shirts.

I seem to handle crises with more calm and coolness than I ever thought I’d be able to.

Working for a Children’s Theatre Group in California for 5 summers was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had.

I prefer to get STD testing when I have no reason to.

I’ve written a 10 page “Application to Date Me”… and even though it was done jokingly, I sometimes actually think it’s a good idea.

I check Postsecret every week, and have for about 2 years now.