The Worst Joke I Know

What follows is just that… the worst joke I know.  This is not the kind of “bad joke” that is too extreme or disgusting, or shocking.  It’s not the kind of “bad joke” that is just so “wrong” that you find yourself laughing despite yourself… this is just a wholly unfunny attempt at humor.  Folks that legitimately laugh at it… I think less of.  (Don’t worry… I’ll explain why)  Here it is:

An Atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Atheist.  “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

One of the many reasons I hate this joke has to do with when I see it posted on Facebook… because then people put up their comments.  Usually it’s comments like, “That’s classic!”, “She really told him!”, “Oh, the wisdom of children!  Ha Ha!”.

That makes me want to come to these people’s houses, gently knock on their door or window with a baseball bat and say, “You *do* understand that conversation didn’t actually take place in reality, right? Because you’re acting like it did.”

Now, I don’t actually hate this joke because I am Atheist… but it is what made me notice what is so bad about it in the first place.  No, it’s not even particularly insulting to me… though, I believe it is meant to be insulting to Atheists in the first place.  Anytime you make a joke that is categorized as a “(Insert group of people here) Joke”… like an Atheist Joke, a Blonde Joke, a Polish Joke, a Feminist Joke, a Black Joke, a Republican Joke, whatever… it is a joke that is meant to insult that group; Atheists, Blondes, the Polish, Feminists, African-Americans, Republicans, etc.  When you tell these jokes, it is simply your portrayal of your perception of that group of people (or even a specific individual.  A Hillary Clinton joke is meant to insult Hillary Clinton), and doing so in a manner where that group (or person) is unable to even respond, stand-up, or defend themselves.  If they (or someone) do try to stand-up to it, the default response is, “Hey, it’s just a joke.  Lighten up.”  (Yes, the one doing the insulting gets to take the high-ground here.  Funny how that works.)

This is not even about being “Politically Correct”… which is a phrase that is thrown about a LOT, and I don’t think anyone is even working from a similar definition on it, which makes it pretty pointless.  Frankly, the only people that are actually trying to be “Politically Correct”… are actual politicians.  When a politician who has previously spoken out against gay marriage, suddenly turns around and says that they’re for it… that’s being “Politically Correct”, because they realize that the majority of Americans agree with THAT stance, so if they want to keep their job as a politician, they have to now agree with the stance, themselves.  We can easily recognize when politicians are being “Politically Correct”, and I think we’re also hip enough to realize that when someone like Bernie Sanders says the same thing… he’s actually NOT being Politically Correct, because he’s been saying that exact shit, and supporting LGBTQA rights, since the fucking ‘70s.

But the current debate about being Politically Correct, seems to be mainly complaining about it.  The complainers seem to be in 2 extremes.  The first is the group that says they want to be able to say whatever they want about anything.  They want to say that Gay Marriage is wrong and gays should be killed, that all Muslims are terrorists, that Mexicans are lazy and taking American jobs (how are they taking jobs if they’re lazy?  Still haven’t figured that one out.), that all African-Americans are thugs and criminals, that all rape accusations are false and are just sluts now feeling regret, or whatever.  They say all that, and they’re defense is, “Hey, it’s my first Amendment Right, you Commie Heathen!”  (Sometimes also followed hypocritically with, “How dare you attack my god-fearing religious beliefs, you evil heathen!”)

*sigh*  The First Amendment part about “Freedom of Speech” simply means the government can’t arrest you for speaking your mind.  That’s it.  There are no police on the way to tackle you for saying that “Gays shouldn’t marry”.  (If you think there are… hit yourself.  Hard.)  But that doesn’t mean there are no consequences for your actions.  Because it’s our right, to think that you’re an asshole, and treat you, or boycott you, as such.  So, this extreme… all it really is, is people complaining that they can’t be assholes.

The other extreme, usually seems to be comedians… or comedic-minded people at least, and they’re complaining that “you can’t joke about anything anymore”.  Which I don’t think is true.  I do believe you can joke about anything.  Yes, there are subjects that are pretty extreme, that finding decent humor in them can be difficult.  But it’s not impossible.  One of my favorite comedians, Dana Gould, opens his CD “I Know It’s Wrong” talking about this, saying, “You can joke about anything, if you do it in the right context.”  He then goes on to do “an AIDS joke, a rape joke, and a joke about 9/11.”  Here’s an embed for you:

Personally, I think that was all funny… and not particularly shocking.  The AIDS joke is not making fun of the person with AIDS, it’s more about the social awkwardness and embarrassment of a person they’re talking to… it’s more making fun of oneself.  The Rape Joke is not normalizing sexual assault, or even making fun of a Rape Victim, it’s more about word-play.  The 9/11 joke isn’t even about that tragedy itself, it’s satirizing certain extreme religious beliefs.

Now, this brings it back to the “group joke” idea… because yes, Muslims are a group, and this is making fun of that group, ultimately.  A “group joke” can be funny… but it does depend on the group. 

Any demographic of people that did not choose to be a part of that demographic… that is much harder to joke about.  Gays did not choose to be Gay.  The Polish, Mexicans, or whatever did not get a say in whether or not they were born Polish, Mexican, or whatever.  African-Americans did not choose to be “Black” in this world.  Natural Blondes did not choose to be Blonde… they just are.  (I’m not equating being a natural blonde with being born Black, just showing they share this one commonality.  The ridicule for one is much harsher than it is for the other… and if you can’t figure out which one… hit yourself.  Really hard.)  Point is:  You are then making fun of them, and insulting them for something that they have absolutely no control over.

Now, these groups CAN be made fun of… but it’s really best done by themselves.  Gays can joke about being Gay.  Blacks can joke about being Black and living in this world as such.  Blondes can make Blonde jokes, Polish can make Polish jokes, etc.  The reason is simple… we should be able to laugh at ourselves.  That’s a healthy thing to do.  Especially for more marginalized groups, it can be a good thing to find humor in that which previously hurt you… because then it can’t hurt you anymore.  It can be a way to deal with our pain. (One of several valid ways to deal with it.  We do what works for us.) So, the argument of, “Oh, I can make a _____ joke, because I am ______”, is a valid one, to me.  Likewise, the complaint of, “How come you can make a joke about being _____, but I can’t make a joke about you being ____?” is not valid.  No, it’s not being hypocritical… because you never had to deal with the downsides of being _____.  You have nothing to deal with, you never walked in their shoes, so you can’t decide what is funny for them.

So, if it’s a group that has no say in being a part of that group… and you are not a part of that group, either… then joking about it makes you an asshole.  It is 100% bullying, nothing more.

But on the other side… the groups that you do, technically, CHOOSE to be a part of… which includes any and all religions in the world… those are up for ridicule and critique.  The religions (and accompanying religious people) might argue that they DIDN’T have a choice (an idea I may be revisiting in a future topic), as they were born into that system… which may be why they don’t feel like anyone can make fun of THEM.  But it is a choice, because ultimately, you can choose to leave it.  Gays can’t choose to not be Gay (no matter what certain religious pamphlets advertise otherwise), Mexicans can’t choose to have their ancestors not be from Mexico, etc.    But any religion, political affiliation, or belief system is up for not just ridicule, but also honest scrutiny and critique, from the rest of society.

Being Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Independent, or other… all up for being made fun of.  Being a Feminist… is up for honest scrutiny, critique, and ridicule (Key reminder for this… HONEST scrutiny.  Wholesale misrepresentation is ticket to asshole-town.)  Occupations of all types, up for being laughed at… and yes, even Atheism, is completely, 100% open to scrutiny and ridicule.  Even that is not exempt from humor.

So, again… it’s not because of Political Correctness or the fact I’m Atheist that I hate the joke in-question.  It’s just a horrible joke.  Take this other, different joke for example:

A Christian was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Christian.  “How about the glory of God, or Heaven and Hell, or eternal life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The Christian, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”  To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

Okay, you got me.  It’s not that different.  It’s the exact same joke… with minor changes.  Notice, however… the joke still “works” (if you can call what it is “working”… clearly doesn’t mean being funny), just as well if the subject of ridicule was Atheist.  It is, literally, the same joke.

This is a “Universal Joke”.  I don’t mean that it’s a joke that can be appreciated universally, but that it can be made to fit ANY demographic, really.  Consider some of these other “Group Jokes”:

How do you get a one-armed Polock out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Mexican out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Feminist out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

How do you get a one-armed Democrat out of a tree?

Wave… they’ll wave back.

(Despite the obscure implication that the one-armed person is hanging by that one arm from a branch, and not sitting nicely balanced on that branch… )  It doesn’t matter what group you put in there, it’s the exact same joke.  All the joke really is, is “How do you get a one-armed Idiot out of a tree?”  Only “Idiot” is being replaced with whatever “group” you don’t particularly like.  Because you think that group is just nothing but idiots.

As you can see… “Universal Jokes” are inherently lazy.  About 90% of “group jokes” are also “universal jokes”.

This “man on the plane” doesn’t have to be Atheist or Christian.  You just change what group he’s in, and a slight adjustment to his topics of conversation (to make them issue-appropriate for that group), and the joke has the exact same effect, and the kid is equally sassy.

“A Democrat was seated next to… How about Government, the plight of the middle class, or expanding Health care?”

“A Feminist was seated next to… How about the Patriarchy, the history of Women’s Rights, or modern Gender Issues?”

“A Postal Clerk was seated next to… How about the price of stamps, or new shipping technology, or International Export Regulations?”

            See?  Doesn’t matter what or who is in there.  All it is, is an effort to make some “other group” look stupid at the hands of an imaginary child.

            Even looking at this joke structurally… so much of it is just bad.  A good joke at least has some basis in reality, because it plays upon those expectations.  Now, I always say, “Why analyze something when you can over-analyze it?”  So, let’s break it down, shall we?

An Atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Okay, the fact that this guy just turns to a little girl on an airplane to “talk”, raises a red flag to me.  Most adults don’t even think to do this.  Hell, I’ve been on planes sitting next to kids I actually know… and have no desire to “strike up a conversation”.  The fact that he actually thinks he can have an articulate, conversation with a young, unfamiliar child is more pathetic than it sounds… and in fact, actually sounds a bit creepy.  First impressions: this guy is a Pedophile.  (Pssst… by the way, statistically speaking, it’s more likely he’s religious.  Not saying Atheism doesn’t or can’t have sick assholes, but I don’t ever recall reading about a perverted child molestation scandal involving a “devout Atheist”)

“The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Atheist.  “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

I’d like to know what Religious Individual thinks that an Atheist would ever ask ANY of these questions.  What do THEY think that we actually expect?  Every single one of these is a very short, and dumb, conversation.

            If your own answer to “Why is there no God” sounds like, “For the same reason there’s no polka-dotted platinum elephants in Detroit that shoot rainbows out of their asses while singing Puccini opera in Chinese… because it’s not a thing.”… then there’s nothing to explore or learn with that question.

            Is he saying, “Hey let’s examine the evidence that there is no God”?  Because again, no Atheist would say this.  You can’t prove that something DOESN’T exist.  As sure as I am that there are no polka-dotted platinum elephants in Detroit (or anywhere) that shoot rainbows out their asses and singing Chinese Puccini opera… granted, I can’t prove it.  Because I haven’t looked everywhere in Detroit yet… and it’s even possible it could even move around when I’m looking.  But I know it’s pretty damn unlikely… enough that I’m confidant it’s not a thing.

And… “smiled smugly”?  So, this guy is proud of himself that he’s bringing up advanced concepts to a child?  This speaks less of being an Atheist, and more just an all-around douchebag… again, a quality not exclusive to Atheism.  Is he thinking that he is impressing this young girl?  Why?? This is sounding more and more like a predator.  At what point does the Flight Attendant show up, and reveals themselves to be Chris Hanson?  “So… Mr. Atheist, do you go on the message boards of “Young Girls Traveling Alone” as “NoGod6669”?  Hey, you’re free to go…”

“Okay,” she said.  “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?”

Oh, okay, complete change of subject.  Well, it probably has to do with their biological systems and the physical activities they evolved to optimize.  I’m no zoologist, but thinking about it for 5 seconds, that seems relatively clear.

The Atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence,

Why is he “visibly surprised”?  He’s the one who brought up advanced theological concepts to her, and he’s “visibly surprised” by receiving anything remotely articulate in return?  Why did he bring it up if he didn’t think she would comprehend it?  What was he expecting in the first place???  “Gee, I don’t know about any of that with my little lady-brain… I guess you really are smarter than my daddy.  Can I come stay with you-”  AHHH!! Jesus jumped on a pogo stick!  Why do you think a typical Atheist would do this???  What point is it making to you???

thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” 

Okay, apparently, he didn’t think about it for 5 seconds.

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

Well, kid, since you brought it up:  Those subjects have absolutely nothing to do with one another, and a knowledge of zoology is not a prerequisite for religious or philosophical academic discourse.  Clearly, you’re parroting some catch-all sassy response that you were previously told.  While I applaud the effort of dissuading and trying to put off a would-be pedophile, regardless of what he’s identifying himself as, belief-wise, you are, however, now stuck next to him for the next few hours on this plane, and that crack ain’t going to stop him.  Call the attendant!  Right now!  Switch seats, get the Air Marshall, something!  Get away from this guy, before he appears in another badly thought-out attempt at humor to marginalize and insult from the believers!

Sorry… where was I?

            Anyway… so that is a horrible joke.  And others like it.  It’s important thing to look at our own humor, and think about WHY we’re laughing at it, and why we want to tell the jokes we like to tell.  It’s not about “Political Correctness”… it’s just about basic respect.  I think that’s the decent middle-ground of it, too.  That’s all “being PC” is, to me.  Not being a complete asshole.

            And while it’s your right to be an asshole, if you really want to be… I’d rather not.

            What do you think?

Religion, Politics and The Great Pumpkin

“There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people… “ - Linus Van Pelt

(I may never get such a convenient opportunity to use that title again… it applies on several levels today… though, I’m actually working backwards.)

First up, my Halloween recap:

I went back to Salem… and actually had a much better time then before. Now, the stuff I said last year still applies, so I won’t repeat that. But the biggest difference was that this year… I went in costume. So not only was I “people-watching”… but I was also being watched by people.

Now, I did put some effort in to my costume. When I have the time to actually plan out in advance and make my own costume… I do pretty well. Last time I did was in 2001… I went as a tiger. To be precise… I was Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes (greatest comic strip ever). I was simultaneously cute and lovable, and scary and terrifying… exactly like Hobbes himself (just ask him). Man, I wish I kept that costume…

But this year, the concept of it was a little more simplistic… but still required a bit of advance work… and I made the extra effort this year.

So what did I go as?

Charlie Brown… and his costume from It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

When I went online looking for patterns and instructions how to make it… all I could really find was “just get an old sheet and cut a bunch of holes in it. You’re all done!”

No. Sorry… but that’s stupid. That’s what he did in the cartoon… but this is supposed to be a real-life representation of it. In the cartoon, a hole in the sheet shows a black oval. In reality, it’s a hole… that you see through, and see the face beyond. There’s no blackness involved. Plus, when you drape a sheet over yourself, there’s extra material falling where you don’t want it, and not enough material where you need it… you don’t get the simple cylindrical-shape that you get in the cartoon… because it’s a drawing.

I wanted to look like I came right out of the TV and started walking around. Sure, maybe I’m a tall Charlie Brown… but I think I did okay, all things considered. I bought a sheet and sewed it to try and get the right shape, and stitched black felt “holes” all over myself. For the eyes? I bought black mesh, folded it up and put it over the eye holes. No one could see in, but I could see out fairly easily. Yet, when it got dark, I knew it’d be even harder to see… so I’d have to eventually take it off. So, I made sure to make a yellow shirt and stitched the black scribble across the belly… for the full Charlie Brown effect.

But the part I’m probably most proud of… I had an Mp3 player with built-in speakers. I loaded the music of Vince Guaraldi on it… and when I walked around, you could hear “Linus and Lucy” (commonly known as “The Peanuts Theme”) quite clearly.

I am nothing if not dedicated.

Yet, I was incredibly surprised by the number of people that not only wanted my picture… but wanted a picture WITH me. I was stopped quite frequently by people politely asking for a photo op. It was really neat… I’ve *never* had that happen before. And when they heard the music… their smiles got so big it just made me smile, too.

Though… there were a very few select people that DIDN’T know what my costume was. A few were young kids… calling me, “That tall polka-dotted guy.” (I’m tall? Well… maybe to them.) Those I can understand… maybe they just never sat down and watched the show in their mere 10 years on earth. But I did run into an older woman who apparently thought I was the “ghost of a spotted cow”… but it clicked in when I told her. The coup de gras, however… a woman ran up to me and said, “Excuse me… I’m from Channel 4 news. What are you?”

“Uh…. Charlie Brown?”

“Oh, okay.” And then she walked away. The cameraman wasn’t pointing the camera at me or anything, so I don’t know why she bothered to tell me she was from the news… but I really wanted to say, “You don’t recognize an American Cultural Icon of Halloween for the last 50 years… and you’re job is to inform the masses????” I can understand the occasional person not figuring it out… but someone in the media shouldn’t be one of them. Am I wrong?

Anyway, like I said… I had a good time. Got a lot of pictures of other good costumes, met some nice people… even saw a guy dressed as Jeebus with a sign saying, “Judgment Day is Nigh! Show Me Your Tits and I Will Judge Them.” (Which I thought was *really* funny. I hope it pissed off the obnoxious street preachers who were constantly spouting how everyone deserves Hell. Why you gotta preach hate?)

One thing I’m surprised I *didn’t* see? More political costumes. A friend and I were remarking how we hadn’t seen any all night. I only saw one as I was walking back to my car… a guy dressed as John McCain. But that was it.

I found that surprising, as we were just 4 days away from Election at the time.

Of which… to take the opportunity of a segue…

Yes, of course I voted. I got up an extra half-hour early, left my house early so I could hit the polls before work. (I knew I wouldn’t have time afterwards) The most difficult wait was the traffic. But the voting itself? In and out in less then 5 minutes. We didn’t have the new-fangled electronic voting booths in our town. Ours was the old fashioned pen-to-paper kind. Your ballot is basically a scan-tron sheet like in school, and you blacken in the little circle for the people you’re voting for. And apparently, there are no propositions right now in my state, so we’re just voting for the people. *shrug*

Normally, I keep my voting selection private… because I am and always will be an Independent. I don’t go with the whole “Are you a Republican or a Democrat?” crapola. That’s why I don’t vote in the primaries. When you enter the building, they ask you which side you want to see… and they register you AS THAT SIDE. I’m not saying I AM a Democrat… I just want to see what they have to say. I plan to do the same for the Republican side… but they don’t allow that. You’re only allowed to listen to one side in the primaries, and I’m not down with that. I want to look at one set of options and pick what I think is the best. Then look at ANOTHER set of options, pick the best one from there… then have those two choices start talking to try and convince me. They don’t let you do it that way. In the election, you can be independent… in the primaries, they have to label you. So I don’t do the Primaries.

But I did vote for Barack Obama. I think in large part because he’s more inspirational then most other candidates in the last 20+ years. And I think national esteem and identity is at a low point… and overall we NEED someone inspirational now more than ever. It’s a damn good country we have… and we want to feel good about being Americans again. I think National Identity is kind of important.

So I think that this IS a historic moment in a few ways. And not just because of the color of Barack’s skin. (Of which it’s technically false to call him the first African-American President… because he’s Bi-Racial. His mom is white, and his dad is black. Which makes him a great bridge of the two worlds, yes… but media likes to throw out buzzwords without always having the accuracy to back it up. I’m just saying.)

I’m not saying that John McCain would be a BAD leader. In fact… frankly, I think he wouldn’t be too shabby. The personality he showed at his concession speech was the same one he showed at the very beginning of his campaign… but had completely disappeared throughout the middle. Had he showed that grace in the last several months, I would have listened to him more. But I think the strategists in the Republican Party (who don’t care about policies, politics, or the best man for the job… they just care about winning) told him, “This is what you need to do to win. Now do it.” So the mudslinging started. (Hey, Obama’s camp had them, too.)

I also believe those same strategists told him to do what would become the absolute deal-breaker for me. He picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. I believe they came up to him and said, “America doesn’t want to see 2 Old White Men in the White House this time around. No matter what, the Democrats are giving them something different… so we HAVE to shake this up or we’re done for. Here, this one seems like a good puppet!”

When I first heard she was picked… I said, “Okay, let’s give her a chance. I know nothing about her, so let’s see what she’s got.” The first thing I read: She’s a staunch supporter of Abstinence-Only Education.

“I’m out!”

Yeah… because it doesn’t work. The numbers tell you it doesn’t work. The kids themselves tell you it doesn’t work. Guess what? It doesn’t work. Her own DAUGHTER is a teenage pregnancy… though, apparently that’s okay because “they’re planning to get married, anyway.” (Even though the guy’s MySpace profile clearly stated he didn’t want to get married or even have a long-term relationship with the girl. The same profile that mysteriously disappeared shortly after… Gee, who did that, I wonder?) That’s not even talking about all the OTHER things I read shortly after.

2 weeks after she was announced, I saw a book in the bookstore with her picture large and in-charge on the front… the title of the book was “Sarah: How a hockey mom turned the political establishment upside down”. Sorry, she didn’t “turn it upside-down”. It only made so much news because it was a completely nonsensical choice, that has no basis in this, or any other, plain of reality. She is not a “maverick”… no matter how often she says the damn word. I don’t care for her being a “hockey mom”… which is no slight on hockey moms. I’ve known Soccer Moms and Football Moms and many other types… but NONE of them are people I would want to place on the other side of the table… from Kim Jong Il. Or any of the other 1,000 psychos with political power in this world. (Hilary, at least, would grab them by the balls and twist… figuratively AND literally.) She has contradicted herself several times, shown ignorance and intolerance… and knowing that she might be a heartbeat away from the presidency… honestly scared me. That’s what shot McCain in the foot. If it was anyone else he picked… I would have had a harder decision.

So, I feel we dodged a bullet with this election. For that, I’m very thankful. I went to sleep Tuesday night pleased.

Woke up Wednesday, however… not-so-pleased.

When I discovered that Prop 8 in California passed. Proposition 8 is for the Ban of Gay Marriage. (Arizona and Florida passed it, too.)

I don’t care that I’m straight. I don’t care that I no longer live in California. I called that state “home” for 7 years, and many people that I love are still there… so I feel I have a vested interest in what happens out there. Finding out that several of my friends now are about to have their marriages dissolved, as if they never happened. And many more that are now told they’ll never be able to marry the person they love.

Those that know me, know that I would take bullets for my friends. But there’s nothing I can do about this. And it hurts so much, I’ve actually cried over this.

In the same 24 hour period of electing a historic president… a culmination of a movement that started with Abraham Lincoln and gained momentum with Martin Luther King Jr… as one minority group is validated, another is pushed down and is now LEGALLY considered to be second-class citizens, and not granted the basic human rights of others.

Hell, I was shocked to find that it was such a close race! (51% to 49%) I felt sure that it would be blown out of the water! But no. Why there are still people who so readily promote hate and discrimination on such a grand level… astounds me to no end.

I’ve heard their arguments… “the government doesn’t have the right to legislate the definition of marriage that’s been around for hundreds of years!” Pardon me… isn’t that EXACTLY what you’ve just done? You’ve used legislation and the political process to legally define what marriage is??? That is known as Hypocrisy.

I’ve heard their logic… “to protect the sanctity of marriage”. Okay, you’ve just opened up a can of worms… because they’re constantly using the word “sanctity”. “Sanctity” refers to something that is “Sacred”, which is a term to refer to something that is Holy or “From God”. That means you’re talking about RELIGION.

First amendment of the Constitution (correct me if I’m wrong) explicitly states that we’re allowed the “Freedom of Religion”. So what’s “Sacred” to one person isn’t so to another person… and that’s a-okay! You can’t infringe on their BASIC freedom of religion!

Wait a minute… what’s that say? Right there… look… here, at the Constitution. A little further down. What’s this, “Separation of Church and State”? Oh yeah… that means that Religion and Government have to stay as FAR away from each other as possible. One cannot dictate or influence the other.

So if marriage is a RELIGIOUS institution… then you can’t say anything, because THEIR religious beliefs allow them to marry, and we protect that with blood, sweat and history… and government can’t do anything about it.

If marriage is a LEGAL institution… then religion has absolutely nothing to do with it. Since the sole arguments against Gay Marriage is all about religion… then they have NO argument.

And if it’s both? Well, you’re doubly fucked. So take one of them and sit the fuck down. Take the other and shut the fuck up.

Proposition 8 should never have been on the ballot in the first place.

But hope remains.

There are some lawsuits already filed… trying to get this overturned. The one that I think is the most logical one has to do with “minor” and “major” changes. In California, minor changes are “amendments”, and are passed with a majority vote (51% or more). But major changes, “revisions”, have to be passed with a 2/3 majority vote.

Does taking away the civil rights of an entire demographic qualify as a “minor change”? I think not. Hopefully, the State Supreme Court of California will also see it that way. If so… then Prop 8 is 15% short, and it will be overturned!

People may have failed… but maybe Justice can still win.

So we have to remain hopeful. As hopeful as we were Tuesday night when we told the world who we wanted our new leader to be.

As hopeful as Linus, who dutifully sits every year in the most sincere Pumpkin Patch he can find… believing and hoping that The Great Pumpkin will finally arrive.

Now I’m waiting, too.

Divining Definitions of Diversity

This comes from a request by an individual I’ll call “Candy Cane”… because she’s striped, can hang on a Christmas Tree, and when you use her to stir hot cocoa… it tastes better. (Better than saying, “No reason at all”)

She asked me to write about “What is Diversity, and what does it means to me?”

The simplest definition is just using a synonym. Variety. You know, variety is the spice of life… shall we go for Italian, Chinese, Indian or Mexican food tonight? We play a variety of hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today. Et cetera, et cetera et cetera. I like diversity in my food selections, I have more than one color of shirt, I love good cinema regardless of genre, and my music tastes range from Classical to Rock to Pop to Blues to Showtunes (with a spattering of Rap, and VERY little Country).

There we go, case closed. Have a nice day!

Only, to leave it there, that would get some people pointing the finger and saying, “You’re avoiding the real issue! You’re wimping out!” (poke poke poke)

Stop poking me! Chill out! Besides, my blog posts are never that short.

“Diversity” is one of those odd words in the English Language. Odd in a very particular sense… when the word “diversity” is used, people usually assume you’re talking about race and culture. When using other synonyms… variety, variousness, multiplicity, multiformity, heterogeneousness (yes, that’s a word… it means “diversity”), wide-selection… no one ever uses *those* words in that context… even though they mean the exact same thing. In the English Dictionary, that is.

In the Public Opinion Dictionary, however… “Diversity” is associated with the issue of race and culture. Always. Colleges advertise how they have a “diverse” campus; if they mention the word “variety”, it’s probably talking about the cafeteria menu.

“Diversity” is one of those political buzzwords… I almost think it was purposefully altered, by careful design, to be connected to that issue, solely. It’s now part of that “P.C. vocabulary”… and that’s just a notion that Lenny Bruce tried to nip in the bud long before the term “P.C.” was even thought of. Being “politically correct” was just an effort, by POLITICIANS, to make sure everyone liked what they said. You can’t make everyone happy… but it doesn’t stop them from trying. If they’re happy with what you say, they won’t complain when you pass crappy laws, raise taxes, or solicit prostitutes in your off-hours. So the word, “Diversity” became adopted into their fold… and now it’s permanently stapled to only one facet of its original meaning.

Despite my cynicism on its origins… I *like* the idea of diversity. No, I’m not saying that to be P.C… (I actually find the idea of being an “equal-opportunity offender” to be better than that) I’m saying it because it’s a fact. I love to personally explore the multiplicity of options this world has… how could you not? You want a thousand different blends of coffee, but want the sociological world to be just *one* way? That don’t make sense to me.

I’ve had an interest in Asian cultures since I was young. (Except for Russia… no offense, it’s just too cold there and too much like New Hampshire winters. Hey… Russia IS in Asia!) Sure, maybe it was sparked by Bruce Lee and Godzilla movies, but at least I got the interest. (Better than nothing) I’ve lived in several different types of neighborhoods, each one predominantly populated by a different race than my own… I have friends of all different colors and choices, and I’ve been rejected for dates by Blacks, Whites, Asians, Latinas, Armenians, etc etc.

In fact it was during a particular 2 month stretch, I realized I was being pretty diverse in my search for love… wherein which I was separately told by a short, white goth chick, and a subtly-thick black semi-professional that they were both going back to their Ex-boyfriends to “give it another shot”. So, while my choice of dates may be diverse… apparently the brush-offs I get are not so. Go figure.

Sometimes I wonder where I got such open attitudes. Naturally, we always look to the parents that raised us to see what our “normal” attitude to such things should be.

So let’s not mince words: My dad is a Bigot.

Okay, let’s mince them a *little* bit… I say he’s a Bigot, but I *don’t* mean he’s a Racist. The first time I ever put that concept to words, was in the presence of my first therapist. She asked, “What’s the difference?”

A Bigot talks the Talk. A Racist walks the Walk.

You see… my Dad talks a big game. He throws out the racial slurs and insults at will, and doesn’t really care too much. Only because his immediate family (all of us who are the same race as he is) are the only ones listening. (Somehow, he thinks we want to hear it… even after I’ve told him I don’t) Say he’s watching football, and a story comes up how a fairly new player to the league just suffered a really bad injury, and will probably never play again. If that player is black? He usually says something like, “and you *know* that he only went to college to play football… he doesn’t know anything else, and now look at him. Injured and his life is thrown away. Figures.” Oddly, I haven’t heard him say that about a white player that gets injured. (Gee, I wonder why?... he says rhetorically.) I’ve heard him say that on a few occasions, and I honestly never thought my eyes could roll that far back into my head. The idiocy of that statement is so much greater than any football player could ever be, even after 3,000 sacks to the head.

That’s a tame example… but he’ll never TREAT anyone differently who is of another race or creed. To their face, he’ll be decent, even friendly. Hell, he even voted for Obama in the Primary. (Though, I suspect it’s because Hillary *really* frightens him… not because she’s a woman… It’s just Hillary.) You might never know by his actions that his mind houses this prejudiced viewpoint.

In many ways, I consider the Bigots to be more dangerous than the Racists. It’s easier (comparatively) to see, recognize and stop Racist Actions… how can you see someone’s Bigoted THOUGHTS? Thoughts can be more dangerous… because it keeps that attitude in existence. You can arrest a Klansman, take him out of the equation, and tell his son, “Killing is wrong, it never solves anything blah blah”… and that boy could live the rest of his life and never kill or harm anyone different then him. But he can still THINK it… and there’s no way to know for sure if he is or not. Then, he can pass it on. That’s a scarier idea to me, overall.

I suspect my grandfather had some similarities in his attitude. Of course, as I remember him, he was old and chilled out. But apparently, the one complaint he did always make to people was about a neighbor of his… who was referred to as “that damn Cambodian”. Maybe he didn’t shovel the snow close enough to the curb, or he didn’t recycle his cans, or whatever… Grandpa bitched about “that Cambodian” a lot. Then, when my grandfather passed… “The Damn Cambodian” came to the funeral to pay his respects… and the rest of the family finally got to meet… “The Damn Cambodian”:

His name was Jesus (Hay-soos). He was from El Salvador.

Yeah… never let it be said that actual Logic dictated the thinking in my family.

As for other family members? Well… I have a vivid memory of one of my Uncles talking to me and my brothers (being the only males in the “league of grandchildren”, and the ones carrying on the family name, whether we like it or not) and saying, “Just so you guys know… you can date whoever you want, but when it comes to marrying, make sure it’s someone of your own race.”

I’m not completely sure if he was joking or being serious. This is the Uncle who keeps a straighter face than anyone I’ve ever met in my life, so it can be hard to tell.

Now the cycle of silly (and sometimes downright comical) prejudices has to stop somewhere, or it just keeps going and going, infecting everything. Now, that’s not something I want MY kids to have… so it has to stop with me.

I believe everyone would agree with that… anyone who reads this might say the same thing… “it has to stop with me”. And I think we all feel we’re up to the challenge. In fact, I think most people might even say, “I’ve never had a racist or bigoted thought in my whole life!” Trumpets blare, medals are handed out, etc…

But that’s an easy answer. TOO easy, in fact. And I’m far too introspective to just throw that statement out there willy-nilly, buy it and sell it at face value.

To be honest… I don’t know if I can say that.

When I was in Elementary School… girls were icky. No surprise there. They were for most little boys. Girls were icky, boys had cooties… there’s balance in the universe, that’s how it works.

There was one girl in particular. She didn’t seem to be friends with other girls… at least I don’t recall. Her name was Rachel. (Name not changed… because she was innocent. I don’t want protecting.) I’m sorry to say I don’t remember her last name. Though, this was about 25 years ago…

Rachel was the only girl in our class… nay, probably the only girl in SCHOOL… who was black.

Granted, our school was small… all 6 grades combined (Kindergarten through 5th) totaled about 200 kids, if that. But it was suburban Massachusetts in the early 80s… not a lot of “heterogeneousness” there.

I seem to remember we were particularly mean to Rachel… on a regular basis. I remember that if she touched one of us, one of the others would mime this imaginary “spray” to disinfect where she touched. We *did* do it sometimes when other girls touched us too… (the whole “icky” thing) but most often it was with Rachel. We never used names or specifically said any reference to her skin color… at least that I ever heard/recall… I think the most directly insulting thing that I recall was during Valentine’s Day when handing out your Valentines (You had to give one to EVERYONE or none at all)… on Rachel’s card, just above the “Please be my Valentine”, kids would put a strategically-placed “Don’t”.

I remember one time, she actually called me on the phone, just to talk. To say hi. I wasn’t a big phone talker, and wondered why this “icky girl” was calling me, preventing me from going outside to play. She only called once. (I think it was after the one Valentine’s Day I *didn’t* put the “don’t” in.)

Eventually, she just disappeared. A summer came and went… school started again, and she wasn’t there. Figured her family moved or something. No one ever seemed to bat an eye.

I think back on it now, and I feel bad… this girl just wanted a friend. I’m especially surprised that *I* took part in that behavior, because I wasn’t the most popular kid myself… I was pretty awkward, too. Maybe that’s why she called me that one time… she thought we had something in common.

Were my actions the seeds of true Racism/Bigotry? Were we treating her that way because she was black? Or was it just another of the “icky girls”, and I only remember it BECAUSE she was the only black girl in school? I honestly don’t know… and that uncertainty kind of scares me. To think that maybe those attitudes could have been in me at some point… really humbles me.

I hope she’s doing well. I hope she dreamed of touching the stars, and now gets to do so… on a regular basis.

(I mean that metaphorically… I know commercial space-travel isn’t up to an affordable level yet.)

But… if there’s one good thing that came out of that… it reminds me that all people are deserving of respect, and color ain’t nothing but a crayon name.

The only other “people of color” that I would have considered ever having a personal problem with… was after we moved to New Hampshire (an even LESS diverse neighborhood then in that part of Massachusetts, if that was possible). A few months after we moved in… on Halloween night, I remember… directly across the street, moved in a black family.

Now the oldest brother and sister, were good people. At least when I got to know them. The sister was in my brother’s grade, and the brother was in mine. We became friends in the 6th grade. We even won a “contest” together… some book sale was coming to the school, and there was a competition to write an “ad” that you would get to say over the loudspeaker during the morning announcements. The winner… got a whole 5 dollar gift certificate. I actually suggested that we do it together. And we did. When we were presenting it in the “competition”, I was shocked that there was only 1 other kid, out of the whole school, that wrote a prospective ad. It was the team of me and my neighbor… against this one other kid. We won. That’s 2 dollars and 50 cents in free books apiece… yeah, baby! Though, in retrospect… I think I’m the one that actually did all the writing, and in the performing, he did ONE line. *shrug* Eh… what can ya do?

As we got into High School… we ended up not having any classes together… eventually, he melded into the “Jock crowd” (I think)… I remained my freaky oddball-among-oddities self.

The ones I DID have a problem with… were his younger brothers. They were truly little assholes. I’m fully confident, to this day, that the reason I didn’t like them had nothing to do with skin color… they themselves were 100% dicks. Yeah, punks… that’s what you get for calling me “Fat” on the school bus… you get “served” on my blog!

Okay, that didn’t sound as impressive as when I first thought of it…

My undergrad college was a slight step up from high school… in terms of multiformity. There were a few various ethnicities on campus, but again… central New Hampshire… take what you get. Race-wise, the strangest comment I ever heard came from a white girl. She was a DJ at the college radio station, and a small group of us were talking about being “open-minded”… the exact reason for the conversation escapes me… and I actually heard this girl say, “I’m very open-minded. In fact, I’m so open-minded, that I only date black men.”

Something… odd… about that statement, don’t you think? She wasn’t being sarcastic, or ironic… she was being 100% serious. Sometimes, I’m still trying to figure that one out.

But when I moved to Northern California for Graduate School… Oochie mama! So many different types of people… and so many of each kind! That was the first time I truly felt like I was in a “diverse environment”. I never felt uncomfortable, or out of place… in fact, I liked the variety. It was interesting, it was beautiful, it was so very different than what I grew up with. It was there that I had my first opportunity to even fall for someone of a different ethnicity than myself.

Now, it wasn’t because of that ethnicity that I fell for her. Though, for a while, I did wonder if I in fact “had a thing for Asians”… of which she is. Ultimately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a thing for “certain” Asians. Just like I have a thing for “certain white women”, “certain black women”, etc. Nothing about the DNA… she was just a quality individual.

Smart, funny, driven, responsible, beautiful… the kind of beautiful that’s worth taking a chance getting rejected. Ultimately, I was. Probably chalk it up to a case of “bad luck in the timing”… this was about the time my family was meeting “The Damn Cambodian”, so guess what I was going through?

But… and I’m very thankful for this… we’re still friends. She’s one of the few people I stay in fairly regular contact with from Grad School… and I always smile when I hear from her. While we’re now thousands of miles apart, geographically… sometimes I still wonder if things had gone a little different for us at the time… or even if I got another chance, what would I do?

But I digress…

When I got down to Los Angeles… this diversity thing was old hat. I pretty much started taking it for granted… because when I came back East… Holy Reverse Culture Shock, Batman! Why is everyone white? Not even a *little* variety, no? Oh wait… that’s right… this is New Hampshire.

I got spoiled. From college on up… not just diversity in race and color… but in attitudes and choices. Tattoos, piercings, gays, bisexuals, transvestites, transsexuals, bikers, actors; you name the subculture, I’ve probably got a friend in there… and all are people I would take bullets for.

That’s diversity to me. A bunch of people I love.

Variety *is* the spice of life.