Things to never say...

                I am always trying to improve myself… and I mean legitimately trying to become a better person.  No matter how much of a “good man” I think I am, I do always want to strive to be better.  To be a stronger, more supportive person, who is able to create a safe space wherever they go.  I don’t expect to be perfect, but there’s always something I can work on.

                So, one day, I started thinking of phrases to never say.  Statements of complete jerkwadiness that really don’t help anyone when they’re being said.  Yes, I am talking about self-censorship.  I don’t think this is a bad thing.  It has nothing to do with “political correctness”, which is a concept that is oddly argued these days.  

I’m not fully sure on my own thoughts on it, currently… but I generally equate it to simply having respect for a fellow human being.  There are comedians I very much respect who refer to it as us not being allowed to laugh anymore, or let anyone get offended.  I think that’s an extreme form they are referring to, again, one I haven’t completely articulated for myself.  I think you can laugh at anything, and still not be disrespectful... and any of those comedians that have made those arguments, I don’t think I’ve ever considered to be “politically incorrect”, anyway.  The stuff I find objectionable is where a person is intentionally trying to be hurtful.  For instance, to joke about a Transgender person, and how hard it is to find comfortable heels in a size 14-wide, is one thing… but to “joke” about invading a public bathroom to beat a Transgender within an inch of their life… is another thing altogether.  One is Seinfeld-like observational humor… the other is openly advocating killing people.  I think it’s clear to see which one is crossing the line.  So, when certain people complain about political-correctness, I think they believe that they can’t make ANY jokes… which I don’t think is the case.  Yet, when certain others complain about it… it’s because they’re upset that they can’t be complete assholes anymore.

It also comes to the groups doing the complaining.  Transgenders would have a legit complaint if the humor is literally killing them (as it is in many places), but other groups do not, especially if the humor is merely opening them up to criticism (as in the case of many religious groups).  No group is absolved from legit criticism… and as long as that criticism isn’t flat-out bullying, then there shouldn’t be a problem.

But that may be for a future topic, anyway.  Here… I’ve formed this list, not because I’m looking to be “politically correct”, just that I’m looking to eliminate hurtful and abusive behaviors in my life.  So, trying to keep myself in check like this is one way I’m trying to do that.  These are statements that I believe are just completely useless, and do nothing but hurt others, needlessly.

“I told you so.”

                This is number one.  This is the first thing I thought of while making this list, and is probably the most useless thing that someone can say.  Obviously said after you’ve told someone some particular piece of advice, which they didn’t follow.  Or predicting something would happen, but the other person didn’t believe you.  Then, whatever you said happened to come true.  So you point out this reminder to the other person that this wasn’t surprising, and it could have been avoided, if they just listened to you.

                What makes this useless is the fact that doesn’t fix or help anything.  Reminding someone that “you were right”, doesn’t do anything more than to feed your own ego.  Now, you have “one-up” on them.  You were smart, they were dumb.  Even if you think, “Oh, that’s not how I intend it”… doesn’t matter.  That’s what is heard, that’s what is communicated.  It doesn’t help.

                The other person already knows, quite clearly, what they were told.  Since they just failed spectacularly at whatever was going on, they are already feeling horrible about that.  So, saying this is just piling it on, needlessly.  Don’t contribute to their misery, help them out by finding a solution.

                Truth is, that person did exactly what they were supposed to.  They looked at their situation, they heard your advice, and then (here’s the key) used their own judgment to evaluate things, and then make their ultimate decision.  That’s what adults do, that’s what we should all be doing.  Maybe they rejected your advice, and yes, they failed.  Humans do that.  We have failures, we make mistakes.  It’s going to happen many times in our lives.  Possibly, the next situation that comes around, the person may think, “hey… they were right about the last time, maybe I’ll take their advice this time.”

                But ironically, if you said, “I told you so” at any point during the “last time”, then there’s actually less of a chance of that happening.  Because we don’t want assholes in our life to be right.  We want to prove them wrong.  So, when you act like an asshole, and pile on the extra embarrassment, needlessly, then we are less likely to follow your future advice… almost solely out of a sense of rebellion.  Hoping and trying for the possibility that you are wrong.  

                Rest assured, you will be wrong at some point.  You will give advice that doesn’t pan out, and then you sure as hell won’t be saying, “I told you so.”  You’ll be hoping that THEY don’t say it to you.

“Not all men are like that.”

                This is something that comes up a lot in modern discussions about feminism.  99% of the time, it’s a guy who’s saying it.  Usually in response to a statement that sounds like a not-flattering generalization about the male gender.  “Hey… not all men are like that!”  Yeah, look… we KNOW that not all men are like that.  No one said that it applies to every single male on the planet.  Even for the statements that do sound like they are encompassing everyone, like… “Men are jerks!”  “Every guy is a cheater!”, etc.  Consider this… YOU clearly know that generalizations aren’t good, or correct.  That seems like an obvious thing, right?  Then be hip enough to think that THEY know that as well.  So even if it sounds like they say “every guy” is something or other… understand that they don’t truly think that every single male in this world, including their fathers, brothers, old friends, gay co-workers, or whatever is exactly like that.  Generalizations are made out of frustration… so just let them vent.  

                When you say, “Not all men are like that”, you’re really just trying to say, “I’M not like that!”  It’s trying to make it about yourself… and chances are, the issue at hand has nothing to do with you, and it’s not even your business.  You’re not actually standing up for anyone, here.  You really want to get across the point that “not all men are like that”?  Then *show* them you’re not like that.  Because when you try to “tell” them… it shows that you probably are.

“Calm down.”

                Probably the fastest way to get someone to go completely ballistic, frankly.  This is an area of “tone policing”, a silencing tactic.  In situations where someone is angry about something, to tell them to “calm down” is really just telling them you don’t want to listen to them be so passionate, because it’s uncomfortable.  It’s understandable you don’t want to be yelled at, but it tries to invalidate the other person’s emotions at that moment.  If someone is that angry and frustrated at something… the fact that they are angry and frustrated is central to that issue they’re talking about.  The fact that it makes them “not calm” is important.  Maybe you shouldn’t be comfortable right now, because otherwise, how will you understand what the not-calm person is going through?

                Let them vent.  I don’t care if your work or social position isn’t used to that kind of treatment, if you truly want the person to calm down, then they need to get out that built up energy.  But also pay attention to what they’re saying.  Just because it’s not being said calmly, doesn’t mean the message is invalid.  Plus, when the other person starts feeling like they are truly being listened to… then they actually have an easier time calming down.  Because they don’t feel like they have to fight to be understood, or be heard.  If they are assured that their anger, frustration, fear, or sadness is valid… you will get their trust and appreciation.  And people tend to be calm around folks they trust and appreciate.

“No offense, but…”

                Suggested from a friend of mine… often said right before something offensive is said.  Just don’t.

“I’m telling you this for your own good…”

                This one came from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman, who was kind enough to respond to me on Tumblr with this contribution.  He wrote, “In my experience, someone who says, ‘I’m telling you this for your own good’… isn’t.”  Makes sense to me.

“I’m just being honest”

                This one also came from Tumblr, from adult actress Diana Prince (who’s blog is wonderfully geeky, and not reflective of her day-job, so it’s SFW… I think so, at least).  I agree with it… it’s often said so someone can feel like they’re excused for saying something cruel and useless for no reason.  Here’s another well-said source that refers to it as “Liar, Liar Honesty”.

“I’m not [racist/sexist/etc], but…”

                Always said right before something racist/sexist/etc is said.  A surefire sign that you should stop talking, right there.  As a variation, I’ve heard from my own family, “I don’t mean to sound cruel, but…” Then don’t.  Just don’t.  It’s remarkably easy to not sound cruel.

“It was just a joke.”

                One that clearly wasn’t funny.  If you have to clarify this in a conversation, maybe you should take a look at your sense of humor.  Often, it’s never “just a joke” anyway.

“Just to play Devil’s Advocate…”

                Another from a Tumblr contributor, and I’m slightly torn on it.  Yes, in everyday conversation it’s a complete douchebag move to do this.  Especially if you ever say, “Oh, I just like a good debate” (because only assholes go looking to have an argument with people, on purpose, without actually caring about discovering truth.  These “debaters” only care about winning, because it’s a hobby.)

                But as a teacher… I do find it’s a pretty good teaching technique for discussions, especially on artistic subjects.  Whatever position a student displays, take the opposing view, to force them to look from another angle, or more clearly support their own opinions.  (In Art, there’s no right or wrong answer, just opinions that are either supported or unsupported) I never *say*, “just to play Devil’s Advocate”, I just do it.  Since we stick to opinions, and not social issues or feelings… I think that gets a pass.

“With all due respect…”

                This one actually sounds like it’d be okay… but it tends to be a signal that something disrespectful is coming.

“You can choose to not let it get to you.” Or “You let them bother you.”

                This one, I think is particularly damaging.  It kind of shifts blame to the person it’s being said to.  So, the person who did that assholish thing isn’t to blame… it’s *my* fault because I’m the one upset?  Yeah, that’s horrible.

                Here’s a newsflash… we don’t “let” people bother us.  We don’t “allow” other people to hurt us.  But they do it anyway.  We can’t magically flip a switch in our brain that makes what they say or do any less hurtful.  But no one ever wants to say to the perpetrator, “Hey, stop being an asshole.”

                I shouldn’t be so sensitive, then?  Fuck you.  That’s not something I’m going to apologize for, and no one should ever apologize for actually feeling something.  Being too sensitive is better than being too numb.

“Just get over it.”

                A very useless statement that does absolutely nothing.  If someone is bothered by something… they can’t “just get over it”.  If they could, they would have by now.  When you say this, it’s only because you don’t want to hear this person vent, process, or do whatever they need to in an attempt to get over whatever it is they’re trying to get over.  You might hear, “Okay”, but no one is instantly healed by it.  All that happens is they learn to not tell you what’s bothering them.  It drives a wedge in relationships, that’s all.

                If you’re truly interested in helping them “get over it”, then try to dig down and figure out exactly why it’s bothering them so much in the first place.  Once you know that, you can actually help them to truly get passed it.  But that takes a bit more work, admittedly.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

                Oh, so you’re not actually sorry for the infraction you caused… you’re “sorry” that the other person is upset about it?  That’s not actually an apology.  Like the “you let it bother you”, this is simply shifting the blame to the other person, and not taking responsibility that what you did or said could have been construed as hurtful.  Maybe you don’t want to apologize because you know that your intentions were good, and they’re just misinterpreting it.  Few things about that… 1) Intentions are irrelevant.  All that matters is impact.  Saying something hurtful, even when you don’t “mean” it to be hurtful… doesn’t change that you said something hurtful.  2) Maybe it’s not that they’re “misinterpreting”… but maybe you’re not as clear and articulate as you think you are.

“They’re just looking for attention / …fishing for compliments.”

                This one confuses me… so, why not give them a compliment?  Give them some (positive) attention?  If the individual is clearly showing you what they need from you, in that moment… and especially if it only takes a quick second to fulfill their needs, why not?  What is so hard about giving a compliment, or showing a little attention?  Especially if it’s someone you claim to care about?

“Don’t be selfish.”

                This usually only ever seems to be said by people who are mad because you’re not doing what THEY want you to do.  Which is kind of ironic, as they’re acting quite selfish themselves in that moment… but they’re trying to make you feel guilty, all the same.  This just seems like manipulation to me.  I can see it being said to kids, if you’re trying to get them to play nice with others… but saying it in response because they’re defying YOU… that’s just plain manipulation.

“If you loved me...”

                Another form of pure manipulation.  “If you loved me, you’d do…” or “you’d want this for me” or “you wouldn’t do that”, etc.  You know what I’m talking about with this.  You’re qualifying someone’s love for you, and making them feel like they’re being tested.  “Well, if the way to prove my love is to do something I don’t want to…” or “let them do something completely damaging/stupid/dangerous”, etc.  That’s a recipe for abuse.  And frankly, it can be more than a bit rapey.  How many young people, who were not emotionally ready for it, lost their virginity because a sentence started with those words?

                “If you loved me…”, hey, if you loved ME, you wouldn’t put me in that awkward position in the first place.

                This one was a late addition… because I didn’t even think of it.  At first, I was knocking myself for not realizing it sooner.  But a good friend pointed out that it’s probably because I’m not the kind of person that would ever actually say it to someone.  I really hope they’re right.

                But that’s my current list.  I was given other suggestions, but some were really variations on one of these, or I couldn’t quite articulate what was so wrong with it in the first place.  Still, I’m always looking for suggestions to this list.  So, if you think of any… pop them in the comments below.

                Thanks for reading.

How To Tell a Stranger They're Beautiful

Sure, it sounds easy.  Just head on up and say, “Hey there, angel-eyes, is it legal to look that good?”  Splash on some cologne, show off the guns and show a little chutzpah, right?  Nay!  Guess what?  That’s the road to becoming “That Guy”.  In this context, “That Guy” means “Douchebag”, you Douchebag.  Take your unjustified self-confidence and get the hell off of my blog!  (And shave that pencil-thin chin-outline you call a beard, you look lame.  By the way, that tattoo of barbed wire on your arm isn’t “tough-looking”, it says “I’m a bottom”. )

They gone?  Good.  I hate those a-holes.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  

It really isn’t that easy.  Especially to those of us that don’t have all that douchebag-level of self-confidence.  Plus, if you do just go for broke and say it, you’re not taking into account a number of issues that need to be addressed.  (Trust me, this crap can get complicated.) Luckily for you, I’ve gone and done most of the over-thinking needed. (Don’t thank me, just doing my vastly underpaid job.)

First important issue:  Motivation.

Why have you elected to do this?  This is a much more important issue than you may think, because it is also contains a hidden danger.  If you’re doing it to “impress”, or “get digits”, than that is the campaign trail to be President-Elect of Douchebag-aria and why the hell are you still reading this, I told you to SCRAM!  Douchebag!

Yes, doing this as a pick-up line is a hidden danger.  Because it’s not supposed to be a pick-up line… it’s supposed to be a compliment.  A simple, sincere compliment.(Emphasis on “Sincere”.) If you’re doing this to get in someone’s good graces as an effort to eventually get them naked (or ask them for money, or a recipe, or whatever)… then it immediately becomes “You’re only saying this because you want something.”  Even if you honestly do believe them to be beautiful, the fact of you trying to take it further suddenly makes it sound like complete bullshit. Something that is merely: A means to an end.

This is not supposed to be a means to an end.  It’s supposed to be an end in itself.  You follow me on this?  Hear what I’m talking about?  I’m saying that this is something to which you will receive no reward.  Not even as a long-term plan.  Your return-on-investment on this is NOTHING.  Zero. Nada. Zilch.  A big bowl of “Nut ‘n Honey”, and I’m not talking about the breakfast cereal.

Sincerity is the name of the game here folks.  Like what Linus looks for in a Pumpkin-Patch, there needs to be “Sincerity as far as the eye can see.”  Without it, you’re on the way to becoming the Douchebag (justified or not… just being seen as a Douchebag isn’t a good thing).  

Sure, maybe you’re not a douchebag, but still consider yourself one of those “I don’t care what others think” kind of people.  “So, if they think I’m a douchebag, so what?” Well, for one, that attitude’s getting dangerously close to actually being a douchebag, so I’d start re-thinking some life choices, if I were you.  (Just sayin’)  Second of all, your target’s perception of the situation… is part of the POINT of this exercise.  Here, you have to care what the other person, a complete stranger, thinks at that moment where you say it.  Otherwise:  Mission fail, even if you think it didn’t.

Okay, so why does it have to be a stranger?  What’s wrong with saying it to a friend, or even just someone you know?  Again, sincerity can be a factor.  A compliment like that, even if meant 100%, can be taken with a, “Oh, they’re only just saying that because they’re my friend.”  Or you could get, “Wait a minute, is this person trying to make a move?  I hope they know I only want to be friends, but now it’s all awkward!”  Now granted, it might work out totally in your favor… and there’s nothing wrong with telling your friends that you think they’re beautiful… I’m just saying:  You’re on your own, but good luck.

Well, my motivation comes down to two things:  One, when reading PostSecret, or browsing around on Tumblr, or elsewhere around the internet where strangers find the freedom to express themselves anonymously… I occasionally see a wish posted that says, “I wish a stranger would tell me I’m beautiful.”  I thought… why a stranger?  Well, if a stranger approaches you to say that they are honestly attracted to you physically, then the “beautiful” part starts out honestly.  But if they’re STILL a stranger afterwards, not asking for anything… then it confirms that the only motivation was a true and honest opinion… that you are in fact, beautiful.  There’s a lovely romance in that wish.  And it’s one that I can have the ability grant to others.  (Even sometimes make that wish for myself… even though I don’t consider myself much of a “romantic”.)

Secondly… there are some people that I think really deserve to hear it.

Second important issue:  Location

You do have to pick your location fairly carefully.  You don’t want to do it in an obvious place.  Doing it in a bar or nightclub… why bother?  First of all, it’s hard to hear (which affects later issues)… and for another thing, people that go there are usually all dolled up to the nines TRYING to look like that.  So if that compliment comes, it still going to have the element of “Oh, they’re just saying that because I’m showing all this skin”.  But wouldn’t that compliment mean a little more if you heard it while wearing jeans and a t-shirt, coming out of the post-office, showing no skin and even wearing minimal make-up?  One location is where people are fishing for those kinds of compliments, and the other is where it’s totally unexpected.  Ironically enough, it’ll be more appreciated in the location where it’s a surprise, believe me.

I’ve done this a few times at my gym.  Which is a risky location, I know.  Because people there are “trying” to look good (in a long-term sense), while maybe not necessarily looking “club/bar-level good” at that moment.  Also, you may still see the individual after the compliment is given.  But with the nature of the gym, you can still remain strangers with just about everyone.  Just as long as you’re careful and selective, so you don’t become seen as another “That Guy”.  (In this case, “That Guy That Tries To Pick Up Chicks At The Gym”.  Too many in too short a time, and that’s who you are.) But on the plus side, you can do a bit more pre-observation on the target, so as to make a slightly more informed choice on whether or not the individual is worthy of receiving said compliment.

Which brings me to the third issue:  Selection.

You have to be selective.  You can’t say it to just every pretty face in the joint, eventually making your way to everyone over a period of time.  I don’t care if you think you’re freaking Rudolph Valentino and say “Every woman is beautiful!”… that doesn’t make you a lothario, that makes you a horndog with low standards.  (And if Rudolph Valentino was really that great, don’t you think the other reindeer would have asked him to join their reindeer games?)  Certainly, there is merit to the statement “Every woman is beautiful”; Every individual woman is going to be considered beautiful to some other individual.  In my first apartment in California, I shared a kitchen with a 400-lb. woman.  She was a sweet soul and all, but not physically attractive to my eyes (especially after seeing her eat 3 packs of Ramen Noodles in one meal).  I hope she found someone that sees her as beautiful… but I’m okay in admitting I’m not one of those guys.

So, even if you’re like me, and believe that Beauty does come in many shapes and sizes, you still have to draw the line somewhere.You’ll still have a decent-sized pool to choose from.  Now, you have to start narrowing it down, to find the one that you believe really deserves to hear it.

Now, from here on the selection process involves making possible assumptions about people based on looks alone.  No, that’s not 100% respectable, I understand.  If a lawyer pointed that out in court, I’d sound like a sexually-harassing a-hole.  In fact, saying it here could be evidence for ME being a douchebag.  That’s a risk I have to run.  But the pool has to be narrowed down somehow; otherwise, again, it means nothing.

Okay, first thing I do is eliminate the “Hot” girls.  I mean the ones that are stereotypically “Hot”.  They subscribe to the media-barrage standards of what “Hot” is.  Look at the way they carry themselves.  You can usually tell by looking at someone if they have the “I’m Hot and I know it” attitude.  I’m not saying look for the ones that have low-self-esteem… just eliminate the ones that have maybe too-high of self-esteem.  They obviously don’t need the boost, and the compliment would probably be wasted on them, anyway.

In the gym, it’s a touch easier to spot them, because every muscled jackhole is trying to flirt with them.  Now, me being an introvert, I’m a bit of a people-watcher, so I occasionally notice things like that as I’m going from exercise to exercise.  I don’t think the Gym is a place for socializing; it’s for getting work done, and getting healthy.  So the flirters tend to stick out.  The meathead guys usually go for the stereotypical “Hot” women, because they think the amount they can bench-press deserves the lady’s attention.  And the gals being flirted with have most likely heard it all before.  For them, they might not even make the differentiation between “Hot” and “Beautiful”, so it all sounds the same to them.  So, it’s probably a wasted effort on our part, and even more a likely chance they’d think “Ugh, what a creep-o.” (Unless I had a six-pack stomach and Calvin Klein-underwear model looks, then they’d probably respond favorably.  Hey, there are shallow women, too.)

So the stereotypical Hot ones… out.  Sorry, that’s the way it goes.

Ideally, what you want, is someone who is beautiful… but maybe isn’t told so very often.  Which is a pretty big category, sadly.  Maybe it’s more accurate to say:  Someone beautiful… who considers themselves “average-looking”, and is okay with that.  Or even that believes “The right person will think I’m beautiful.”  (Acknowledging that not everyone will) Well, even if I’m not the right person… I can see it.  And I think that’s a person worth telling it to.  I think the compliment wouldn’t be lost on someone like that.

Actually pinpointing that kind of person… is a crap shoot, I admit.  But a big part of it probably comes down to what YOU consider to be “Beautiful”, and how that might compare to a friend’s opinion.  If you see someone as beautiful… but think they’re probably the type some friends of yours would say, “Eh, she’s pretty.” Or “She’s alright”.  Right there, it’s obvious that you are seeing them in a higher opinion then someone else… in which case, you’re on the right track.  Got yourself a potential candidate there.

But don’t go jumping the gun!  I see you’re about to jump on over there and make your presence known… hold up! You can’t do it right this second!  Why?  Issue #4, my friend:  Timing!

You swagger over there at this moment, you’re right back to the “Douchebag” issue.  You might as well put on the Douchebag club pin right now!  (Hey, didn’t I kick you out of here earlier?  No?  You sure?  Yeah, right… I’m watching you, Buster!)

Timing is vital on this, I really believe that.  You don’t want to interrupt anything.  If she’s hanging out with friends, forget it.  Even if you did manage to compliment her, the friends will either scoff and make fun of you for trying a “pick-up” in front of them, (cock-blocking even when you weren’t attempting to… “cock”?) or maybe even get jealous and say, “What about me?  Am I Beautiful?”… and you don’t want to be prompted to say it out of obligation, because then it even feels like bullshit, and deep down, they know it’s not as satisfying because you were prompted.  No, you need to catch them when they’re alone.  At the gym… don’t interrupt them in the middle of a set.  That’s just rude.  And besides, you’d rather have their full concentration, not splitting it with “what number rep am I on?”  Full concentration can help with full appreciation.  So, during a workout is very tricky.  Maybe the only time you could get away with it is when they’re wiping down the exercise machine.

But you also don’t want to do it with anyone around.  Even if outsiders don’t care, for the target… if it’s something they might find embarrassing (whether by virtue of “can’t take a compliment” or “someone is making a fuss over me, oh no”), you want to minimize the potential for that happening.  This should be a fairly private moment… no one else’s business.  In the parking lot is a good place, where most other people would be out of earshot, if they’re even around.  (Yet, it’s not so private that she would have to worry about her safety… you want to minimize any potential “threat” factor for her, too.)

But don’t stand and wait for her in the parking lot.  Because this is the element you pretty much should leave up to fate.  IF you find yourself in a comfortable public-yet-non-threatening-private-ish location… IF you find yourself in said location with the target in close proximity… IF the target is not otherwise occupied… and IF there’s no interlopers in the area, then you should be good to go.  But it can be a small window of opportunity, that could be easy to miss.  Go about your business, and if the paths cross with the circumstances in the right place… well, okay.  But if you two are parked on opposite sides of the parking lot… don’t go in her direction until you get in her earshot.  Make the approach just before the actual path split.  Go a little out of your way, but not a lot.  Going too much out of your way… can be creepy.  

Yes, this does mean that it’s possible that opportunity will never arise.  It may happen.  That’s okay.  Let the Grand Imaginary Powers of Coincidence do their thing, and if those Powers are kind… you’ll have your window of opportunity to make your approach.  (Okay, you can help them along a teeny bit, by picking up your pace, or slowing it a little; if it betters the chances of being at the ideal spot at the same time.  Just don’t be obvious about it, and be prepared to abort on the slightest notice, okay?)

Now, we come to The Approach.  The fifth issue.

Don’t go starting with a “Hey Toots.”  Or a “Yo, wait up.”  Forget about “Hey Girl!” And do NOT even think about a “Howyoudoin?”  Don’t go into it with cockiness, or suaveness, or Valentino, or tough-jock attitude.  Frankly, in this instance, for what is actually trying to be achieved…  do not step in with “confidence”.  You go in with confidence when you want something, when you’re pursuing someone with intentions that are, in essence, selfish.  (Which isn’t always a bad thing… but it’s just not the point of this.)  Here, I’m saying go with something else.  Not with the opposite of confidence, but something a bit more towards that side of the spectrum:  Humility.

A simple “Excuse me”.  Not said with a tough attitude, or a wink, or a seductive tone… but rather with the attitude of “You would do me the honor of bequeathing 5 seconds of your attention in my direction.”  Gentleman-like, that’s all.  If they don’t hear, or keep walking… then abort mission.  The moment has passed… no harm, no foul.  Just enjoy the rear view for 2 more seconds (hey, I’m only human), and then keep on your merry way.

Chances are, you will get their attention.  Then it’s the time for the truth.  Just make sure it IS the truth, otherwise, you’ve screwed this up way back at the beginning.

For me, I find myself usually introducing the statement:  “I just wanted to say…”  As I think it would feel too “weirdo” for me just to say cro-magnon-like “Ungh… you boot-ee-fall.”

Now, I also tend to throw in a little extra something… mainly because I’m paranoid, and I honestly want the person to be complimented and not weirded-out.   And despite all precautions, this could still be seen as an unsettling experience.  So, either just before or just after I’ll say “I really hope you don’t feel uncomfortable by this… it’s not a pick-up or anything…”  Though, I’m usually kicking myself afterwards for adding that.  I don’t know… maybe I’m using too much humility in there.

But, now it’s been said… bringing us to the last issue:  Reaction.

This is not only about the Target’s reaction… but yours as well.  For the Target… you really only want them to be gracious.  A simple smile and thank-you… recognition and appreciation.  It’s awesome if they are genuinely moved by your sentiment… but that won’t always happen.  Anything beyond simple “appreciation” is gravy, quite frankly.

But your reaction can also be a factor… remember:  This is not a pick-up.  You are not to ask anything from this person.  But if she does think it’s a pick-up, and rejects you, thenyou have to remain gracious, say, “That’s okay… I just wanted to say that.  Nothing more required.” Then politely excuse yourself.  

This is another reason that you can’t make it a pick-up… because a rejection may come.  But you won’t actually feel rejected, if you’re sincerely NOT doing it as a pick-up.  Because there’s nothing to be rejected… and the compliment still stands.  (It’s not that I’m afraid of rejection… okay, I am, but that’s completely beside the point…)  But if you compliment her, she rejects… and you feel rejected?  What do most douchebags say?

“Stupid bitch, you’re ugly anyways.”

“Lesbo.”

“Dumb whore!  Screw you!”

Yeah, they retaliate with an insult to save their precious egos… and also makes the original compliment completely null and void.  Good work, asshole.  Now do you see why I kicked you out in the first place?  There’s nothing wrong with letting the lady have the last word.  If they truly were worth the effort in the first place, they’ll remember you met rejection with a sense of grace, and did not take back what you said… which means you must have really meant it.  And they’d probably be a little humbled by that… congratulations, you’ve made them a better person!

Even if her reaction is ideal… you still need to excuse yourself quickly, lest the awkward-phase descend, and the sincerity of the gesture disappears.  

I know I said to take out the confidence and come in with humility… but oddly, if you do this way, you actually demonstrate a different kind of confidence.  The confidence of honesty.  Too often, the people who are overly-confident in this world, seem to have no problem lying their ass off, to get what they want.  And those same confident people who say they’re “just being honest” about something, are usually saying something pretty shitty.  As a whole, we’re pretty much trained that when someone says, “Hey, I’m just being honest here…” you know they’re going to say something you’re not going to like.  (That’s actually known as “Liar Liar Honesty”.)   So here… you can actually throw them for a bit of a loop… in a very good way.  Under the insistence of sincere, unadulterated honesty… you can actually make their day.  Which doesn’t happen nearly enough in this world.

I have recently said this to someone.  It’s been a long while since I’ve last done it, and hadn’t even considered it in that time.  (Granted, it’s not something I wake up and say, “I’m going to find someone to compliment today”.  I just try to keep my eyes open and if the occasion occurs… great.  I tend to average once every 9 months or so.)  She goes to my gym, and I started noticing her every now and then when I was on the cardio machines.  Then I realized I was noticing her more and more.  If I was on the stair-climbers in the back of the room, and she jumped on one of the treadmills directly in the next row up… I’d say to myself:  “Cool… I get a nice view today.”  As neutral as I was keeping my attitude, with regards to the people around me at the gym… she seemed to stand out, by not really doing anything at all.  She kept to herself… did her workout and leave.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen her talk to anyone… just does her thing and moves on. 

She has very short, brunette hair… and I don’t really know why, but I have a semi-“thing” for short-haired brunettes.  Now, short hair doesn’t work on every woman… but those it does work on, it looks really good.  And believe me… on this woman, it looks freaking great.  It suits her incredibly well.  She has an angular-face (and I like angular faces… again, not sure why), gorgeous eyes… she looks simply Beautiful.  With a capital B.  And I know I’m going on only looks alone, and maybe it seems a bit shallow (but right now, I don’t care.  Bite me.)… but if you asked me at the time, “Of all the women in this room… which one physically looks like someone you’d want to fall in Love with?”  I’d probably say her.  This is not meant to sound “stalkerish”… just “very admiring of her appearance”.

Now, I don’t know if she’s married or taken (I haven’t seen a ring on her finger, but doesn’t mean it isn’t there… or maybe she takes it off for her workout), I don’t know her personality, her name… heck, I don’t even know if she’s in my age-range for dating.  She could even be Lesbian, who knows?  All I know is her appearance.  And she is absolutely in my definition of Beautiful.

So, I thought about it for a bit… and decided, “If the opportunity comes around… I’ll tell her.”  Now, I don’t always see her there… for one, I don’t always go to the gym at the same time every day.  But when she is there, I usually spot her.  We never crossed paths, but I didn’t try to facilitate that happening.  (Like I said, it needs to be left to the Grand Imaginary Powers of Coincidence.)  Then, I finished up my workout, went to the locker room, walked around the old creepy naked dudes, got my stuff together and headed out.  Walking towards the front door, I pass by the staircase that leads down from the upstairs locker-room (the Women’s one).  I see out of the corner of my eye that someone is coming down it, probably will end up right behind me going out the door into the foyer.  So, once I go through, I pause and hold it open for that next person (a polite habit I’m fine with keeping).  I turn my head and see that it’s her… the Beautiful brunette.  She says, “Thanks” (for the door-holding… and a pretty voice, by the way), and goes ahead through the outer door.  The only other person that was there just went inside as we were coming out… so this looked like the opportunity.

It was raining a little, so she paused briefly as she stepped outside to put up the hood on her jacket…

“Excuse me?”

She turns and looks right at me, looking slightly surprised (understandable)… this is the first actual contact I’ve ever had with this woman.

“I… hope this doesn’t make you feel at all uncomfortable, but… I just wanted to say… I… think you’re incredibly beautiful.”

(I don’t know why I put so many pauses in there… not entirely intentional.  It’s not like I can “abort mission” anymore at that point.  I’m committed, gotta go through with it.)

She smiles… (a really nice smile, too) and says, “Oh, that’s so sweet!”

“Don’t worry, this isn’t meant to be a pick-up or anything… I just… wanted to say that.”

She says, “Thank you so much… that’s really sweet.  Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.  You have a good evening. “

“Thank you, you too!”

And we walk off to our separate cars.  I didn’t look to see what she was driving (that seems like a stalkerish detail to try and discover), just got into my car and headed off like normal.  (I was also being rained on, and I didn’t have the rain jacket with the hood.  Eh, it was worth getting wet.)

I’ve seen her at the gym a few times since, and we even passed by each other a few times.  Met with eye contact, and a smile.

It appears that the mission was a complete success.  She seemed genuinely appreciative of the compliment, as I hoped she would… and the aftermath is nice, too.  Doesn’t seem insulted or weirded out by me (as she’s at least acknowledging my existence)… and maybe exchanging a smile with me can be a nice reminder to her that yes, someone does find her sincerely Beautiful.  That’s a role I’m happy to play, and wouldn’t want to jeopardize.  And just maybe… I granted her a wish.

However, if SHE were to strike up a conversation with ME… then I’d have to say all bets are off.  (I just first have to make sure she’s not married/taken/lesbian/etc…)

But that’s how I tell a stranger she’s Beautiful.

Now, go kick a douchebag for me.

Rules to live by...

There’s something about “rules to live by” that’s kind of comforting.

It’s the kind of thing that you can think, “no matter how screwed up my life gets… I can keep it in check, and stay in control as long as I follow these proven rules”. I like them in the same way that I like songs that directly say in the lyrics, “Everything is gonna be alright”. Maybe it’s a comforting yet neurotic, anal-retentive thing… who knows?

It seems like good sense to follow the advice from Ghostbusters… “Never get involved with possessed people.” (Actually, that’s more of a guideline than a rule) Sure, there’s going to be occasions where the “guidelines” aren’t going to be followed… but at least we come out of those situations believing that particular one more than ever.

And besides, when someone says, “Never play 3-card-Monte against a cigar-smoking Albanian Transvestite in Tijuana during Lent”… you know there’s a good story behind that. Not to mention that it probably IS good advice…

But all the rules that we come up with have stories behind them. Maybe not overly-exciting stories… or even particularly long ones. (Though when someone asks for an explanation, saying “It’s a long story” is always an impressive-sounding answer.) A few of the ones that I like, aren’t originally mine. They may be a saying that I’ve read in a book, maybe heard an impressive “long” story from someone else, or from just plain sitting and thinking. Some rules could be very specific… so, if it doesn’t apply to you… you don’t need to bother remembering it.

Probably the only magazine I read on a regular basis is Men’s Health, and most months, they have a recurring feature that is some kind of a list… “25 things you should never regret” or “30 excuses to get rid of”. I often see small snippets of good advice in there that I figure can apply to my own life… and I try to.

Naturally, it’s boring to live your whole life following rules. Where’s the flexibility? Where’s the spontaneity? That’s why I try to keep my personal rules a bit on the open side… I don’t like to include ones that might restrict a little of the fun in life. Hopefully, the ones I have are honestly good guidelines for improving oneself… but still allowing for things like adventure and a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants attitude. Besides… since I take the Ghostbusters approach and call them “guidelines”… it’s okay to break them every now and then, should the situation apply. Cause there will ALWAYS be exceptions to every rule.

So here are some of MY guidelines to live by:

Never underestimate a cross-eyed stripper.

Never flex for anyone older than 6.

Don’t trust your eyes, unless you know where to look.

Don’t always dismiss a message because of the source.

Be careful when sharing information on “How To Be Amazing”. Not everyone wants to know.

There is no such thing as Constructive Criticism.

Just because someone doesn’t seem “mysterious”… doesn’t mean there’s no mystery.

“Deep” people… rarely are.

Every mistake and embarrassment seemed like a good idea at the time.

“Freedom” does not absolve one of responsibility or consequences.

When writing fiction… be honest.
When writing reality… embellish only a tad.
When writing opinions… don’t embellish at all.

Facts are realistically honest.
Metaphors are emotionally honest.

Don’t blame someone for being ignorant… Blame them for wanting to remain that way.

And finally…

You are what you do when it counts. (this one is my personal motto… I got it from the book Armor, by John Steakley)

I hope to add to this list in the coming years.

Some links to a few other lists that I’ve found:

Niven’s Laws (from Sci-Fi author Larry Niven)

The Pentabarf of Discordianism (pointed to me by my friend SeeSee)

The 16 Rules of Bob Parsons – founder and CEO of GoDaddy.com

So how about you? What are some of YOUR “rules to live by”?