Unleashing the Id

Love is a word that is constantly heard
Hate is a word that is not
Love, I am told is more precious than gold
Love, I have heard is hot
But hate is the verb that to me is superb
And love, just a drug on the mart
For any kiddie from school can love like a fool
But hating, my boy is an art
-Ogden Nash

I don’t generally consider myself a “hateful” guy… I may be a bit cynical, sure. Are there issues I’m passionately opposed to due to ethical and intellectual grounds? Sure. Are there people in my life that I prefer to avoid and vent about? Absolutely. Are there individuals that have “crossed the line” with me, thereby giving me no moral qualms about taking my frustrations out on them with a rusty crowbar followed by a lemon-juice hose-down and a salt-blast chaser? Who doesn’t?

But I’m not talking about the so-called “Legitimate Hates”… the understandable ones. If you’re related to a close-minded racist whose hobby is insulting you and killing every small animal you try to adopt… it’s perfectly alright to hate them. That is completely justified. Are there people actively infringing the civil rights of the people you love? Guess what? You can hate them. (Side note: Prop 8 Overturned! Suck it, you Bible-thumping “Family Value” Pricks!)

In fact, I find it hard to believe there are people who “don’t hate anyone or anything”. Well… then frankly, you don’t exist. Yes, I’m actively denying the fact that you were ever conceived and resided within this dimensional plane. To your face. If you say there is truly nothing to raise your ire; a) I call “BS”… and b) I’m looking forward to the challenge.

But again, I’m not a hateful person… I do believe that love is stronger then hate… that positive outweighs the negative. I believe that humanity, on the whole… can be good. That’s the way I’m wired. Yet, I do think that hate can actually bring about some good things in this world. One of the biggest reasons the U.S.A. even came into being was because our founding fathers hated King George III. (Take a look at the Declaration of Independence… most of the reasons listed all start with “He”… “He has refused… “, “He has forbidden…”, “He has obstructed…”) Nothing against the British citizens… nothing against the country… they hated HIM. Heck, sometimes just the act of loving something necessitates that you have to hate the thing that opposes it. (To again cite Prop 8; I love my Gay Friends, so for even that alone, I hate anyone that wants to take away their right to love.) Without a certain amount of hate for the big things… nothing would ever get done.

Except I’m not talking about the big stuff. No, I’m going for the relatively petty stuff. The crap that might be expressed in a stand-up comedy routine. The stuff that you don’t bother to address because of the Social Filter we’ve developed over our lives. The really annoying, blood-boiling pet peeves that you don’t act on, but which keep pushing you to the point of wanting to scream… but you don’t, because someone would probably put you in a padded room (even if they feel the same way).

For this blog… we remove the Social Filter.

Maybe you’ll get insulted. Maybe you’d be a wishful victim of my wishful wrath. Maybe, if you met me walking down the street, you’d look at the ground while giving me a wide berth, hoping I don’t snap on you… or you’d stop me and scream and lecture me for being hateful. (Go ahead, I’d love the irony of that.) But I’m really just joining a bit of a trend here… there’s apparently a lot of home-web videos of young people just rattling off about stuff they supposedly hate. Usually they amount to just hating “school” or “stupid boys” or “dumb girls” or “parents”… but I’m not in the age demographic to mention those things (except maybe the dumb girls… some things *are* universal, after all.) No… as you may know, I tend to get a bit more specific:

1. Assholes that linger for 20 minutes BUCK NAKED in the gym locker room. Yes, that’s what the locker room is for: changing. But not to this extreme. These guys scamper quickly into the locker room (rarely watching where they’re going), and whip off all their street clothes as fast as humanly possible, getting to “jaybird” status in record time. And then… they…. sloooooooow…. dooooooowwwwwwwnnnnn. And don’t even consider putting on the workout clothes yet… because you know, the mood isn’t right. So they stretch. They groom. They stroll around. They stop and watch the TV on the wall. They see someone they know, and walk on up to talk to them, raising their leg onto a bench so they can lean their elbow on their knee. And after they’ve given their political or social dissertation for that hour, they casually walk back to their locker to MAYBE get ready to actually do some exercise. And when they’re done with said workout… the same process happens again. Even adding in a long, slow walk to the showers, with a towel slung *over the shoulder* instead of around the waist, and then standing at a sink, shaving or brushing their teeth… naked. And when they finally DO get dressed, these men pick the very sensible first item that should be put onto their fully nude-with-an-obvious-reason-to-come-to-the-gym-in-the-first-place bodies… that, very obviously being, their shirt. (Underwear? Why would THAT go first?) Then they button up their shirt. Then they put on… their socks. Then they adjust the socks, because you never can pull them up right on the first try. Then they put on their tie. Then they tie the tie. Then they undo the tie and re-do it, and adjust it. After then combing their hair, applying cologne, and then getting involved in another water-cooler debate with a fellow bottom-half-naked locker-room dweller… on goes the tighty-whiteys. Then point-3 seconds later, the pants and shoes are on, and they shoot out the door. What. The. Fuck. There’s a nice line that separates “comfortable in your skin” with “decorum”. That’s great you’re not ashamed of your own body… but you don’t need to flaunt useless cock even when being “around the guys”. I hope Rush Limbaugh mistakes you for a Coney Island Corn Dog.
   
   
2. People who say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Oh, so you’re not actually apologizing for fucking me over, you’re apologizing because *I’m upset* at you for fucking me over? So, since you’re actually shifting the blame to me… that makes your apology absolutely useless, which doesn’t actually make it an apology. Wow, that’s just as bad as saying “I’m sorry” in a pissed-off “on-the-offensive” tone of voice. You might as well be saying, “I’m not actually sorry, but I’ll say the phonetic words because you stupidly think I should, just to shut you up.” Good work, you’ve managed to make the “apology” sound more insulting then the original insult/infraction. I hope you get the first-ever case of Herpes Simplex Type 5.
   
   
3. Unnecessary Rap. Sometimes, I’d be inclined to say that “all Rap is unnecessary”… but that would be wrong. While the genre is not my favorite, there are rap songs I like to listen to, and it is absolutely a viable genre and art form… on its own. What I really find annoying is when in the middle of a Non-Rap song… some moron starts breaking out his “rhymes”. The example that comes to my mind is the song “Scream” by Chris Cornell. It’s a slow rock song, that is put to a techno-drum-machine-beat. Now, I’ve heard him do an acoustic version that sounds great… I also like the techno background version. It’s different, but I think it works decently for the song. But suddenly… in between the first and second verses, comes the producer “Timbaland” (which is a freaking retarded “artistic” name, BTW. It’d be like calling yourself “El El Beeen”, “Uh-merican Eegel”, “Wall’em Art” or anything else coming close to copyright infringement on a brand name. Where are the lawyers when you need them?). Here, this moron does a little spoken interlude, which only just repeats some of the lyrics… and I guess it can’t even be official “Rap”, because its not even to a beat, nor does it rhyme… just him “contributing his flavor” to a song that DOESN’T NEED HIM. You are no better then the annoying “hype man”, which is a whole other realm of uselessness in the musical industry. (If you’re going to perform for a crowd, and need someone else to “get people excited”… well, how come they’re not excited enough at the anticipation of seeing you? Sounds like you’re not very good, and that you even seem to know it, hence hiring him in the first place.)
   
   Now I’m all for musical artists collaborating with each other, but don’t pull this crap of coming onto their album and working on ONE song, by inserting some of the aforementioned uselessness and snagging a “featuring” credit. It’s THEIR album, let them play THEIR music. You want to show your “flavor”? Then make your own damn album, and spout it all you want, so I can have the option of not buying it, so I don’t have to listen to it. But if you REALLY want to collaborate? Then do it… on a full 12-song album, and do an actual duet with them on each and every song, and you both get equal billing. If you want to collaborate and “explore” with this other artist… don’t stop after you metaphorically “drive to the corner store”. Freaking go for it and truly see where you can go with it when you combine your efforts. (Robert Plant and Allison Krauss had it right… a whole album of collaboration. One a soft bluegrass singer… and the other from Led-Fucking-Zeppelin) Not this half-ass-flavor-shit. I hope your beloved over-priced Cristal booze gives you cold sores on your eyes.
   
   
4. People who speak with extremely thick accents on singular words of foreign origin… when the rest of their speech is in perfect white-bread English. I don’t think there’s anything that screams “Douchebag” to me faster then this. Just talking along, everything is clear and articulate… and suddenly revert to the fakest-sounding Italian/Spanish/French/Etc accent that’s ever been conceived for that Italian/Spanish/French/Etc word. It actually sounds like they’re trying to make fun of that language with this over-parodying voice… only they’re actually being serious and are claiming, “that’s the *correct* way to pronounce it”, smiling smugly all the while. Guess what? There’s a big difference between Pronunciation and Accent. They are not the same thing. Never have been, never will be. Consider that the rest of the world considers the way Americans talk as “the American Accent”. So, how many people do you know, that only speak American English… that pronounce American English words incorrectly? You may know 1, you may know 40, but you *will* know a number to say. Just because they speak in an American Accent, doesn’t mean the pronunciation is correct. I’ve known Italians from Italy that speak great English, pronouncing everything right… and saying it with their Italian accent.
   
   And sweet Jeebus help you if I happen to say a foreign word, and you try to “correct” me with that fake accent. Pray a tire iron isn’t nearby. I hope the next time you’re at the Doctor’s office, you hear the words, “Uh oh…”
   
   
5. People in handicap scooters… whose ONLY handicap is that they are extremely, gravity-victoriously, fat. If you’re in one from extreme age, no problem. Veteran with a leg blown off, victim of a horrible accident or debilitating disease? I’ll salute you as you cruise by, give you any help you need and all that. But having an extra whole pie for dessert isn’t a tragedy, it’s a very bad personal decision. But if what’s done is done, fine… but you don’t get special treatment. You don’t get to have a handicap plate or sign for your car. You can’t get a free pass to the front of a ride at Disneyland. You don’t get to claim “disability”, and you don’t get the right to complain about how difficult life is. How can it be so hard? You have a freaking scooter to cart you around! Sounds pretty easy to me! I hope that your home is infested by rats with a craving for cholesterol.
   
   
6. This one is targeted to one gender: Men. Yes, my fellow males, pay attention: Those of you that go onto Facebook, Myspace, or anything else remotely like it… find the profile of a young lady, and start writing the most moronic “pick-up” shit on their walls and comments sections, like: “Damn U fine!”, “I’d love 2 tap that! Hit me up sumtime!”, “Ur so Hott!”… and I’m not even talking about the horrible grammar. Do you honestly think that’s going to make them rip off their clothes and come running after you? Do you, in all seriousness, believe that’s going to help get you laid? I already know that when you’re directly asked, you’ll talk about “respecting a lady” and how you “don’t treat women like objects, of course not!” Which is made into Bullshit by the very fact that you don’t walk the walk. I don’t give a crap if the gal is posting a 90%-naked picture of herself in the mirror to feel sexy and good about herself. It is no time to lose all sense of decorum and respect. In fact, it’s the ideal time to SHOW it. Admire, Appreciate, then Masturbate if you must… and if you absolutely HAVE to leave a comment, it *is* possible to say something that doesn’t sound like what a lame Rapper with too much money and a skewed-world-view would say. If you have any doubt? Then don’t say anything, because when you start typing without abandon, you give the female gender more proof to their claims of “Men are stupid.” Thanks to you, they’re right.
   
   Same goes for you, you “Deep” ass-holes… I haven’t forgotten you.
   
   I hope all of you Mother-F-ers can’t ever close your eyes without instantly dreaming of Prison… where you have to pick up the soap.
   

Okay, so maybe I have a few “Rage Issues”… there may be a few more pet peeves that really get me… but this is looking long enough for now.

So maybe you laughed, maybe you were horrified, maybe you just plain agree. But what I want to know is:

What pisses YOU off?

Religion, Politics and The Great Pumpkin

“There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people… “ - Linus Van Pelt

(I may never get such a convenient opportunity to use that title again… it applies on several levels today… though, I’m actually working backwards.)

First up, my Halloween recap:

I went back to Salem… and actually had a much better time then before. Now, the stuff I said last year still applies, so I won’t repeat that. But the biggest difference was that this year… I went in costume. So not only was I “people-watching”… but I was also being watched by people.

Now, I did put some effort in to my costume. When I have the time to actually plan out in advance and make my own costume… I do pretty well. Last time I did was in 2001… I went as a tiger. To be precise… I was Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes (greatest comic strip ever). I was simultaneously cute and lovable, and scary and terrifying… exactly like Hobbes himself (just ask him). Man, I wish I kept that costume…

But this year, the concept of it was a little more simplistic… but still required a bit of advance work… and I made the extra effort this year.

So what did I go as?

Charlie Brown… and his costume from It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

When I went online looking for patterns and instructions how to make it… all I could really find was “just get an old sheet and cut a bunch of holes in it. You’re all done!”

No. Sorry… but that’s stupid. That’s what he did in the cartoon… but this is supposed to be a real-life representation of it. In the cartoon, a hole in the sheet shows a black oval. In reality, it’s a hole… that you see through, and see the face beyond. There’s no blackness involved. Plus, when you drape a sheet over yourself, there’s extra material falling where you don’t want it, and not enough material where you need it… you don’t get the simple cylindrical-shape that you get in the cartoon… because it’s a drawing.

I wanted to look like I came right out of the TV and started walking around. Sure, maybe I’m a tall Charlie Brown… but I think I did okay, all things considered. I bought a sheet and sewed it to try and get the right shape, and stitched black felt “holes” all over myself. For the eyes? I bought black mesh, folded it up and put it over the eye holes. No one could see in, but I could see out fairly easily. Yet, when it got dark, I knew it’d be even harder to see… so I’d have to eventually take it off. So, I made sure to make a yellow shirt and stitched the black scribble across the belly… for the full Charlie Brown effect.

But the part I’m probably most proud of… I had an Mp3 player with built-in speakers. I loaded the music of Vince Guaraldi on it… and when I walked around, you could hear “Linus and Lucy” (commonly known as “The Peanuts Theme”) quite clearly.

I am nothing if not dedicated.

Yet, I was incredibly surprised by the number of people that not only wanted my picture… but wanted a picture WITH me. I was stopped quite frequently by people politely asking for a photo op. It was really neat… I’ve *never* had that happen before. And when they heard the music… their smiles got so big it just made me smile, too.

Though… there were a very few select people that DIDN’T know what my costume was. A few were young kids… calling me, “That tall polka-dotted guy.” (I’m tall? Well… maybe to them.) Those I can understand… maybe they just never sat down and watched the show in their mere 10 years on earth. But I did run into an older woman who apparently thought I was the “ghost of a spotted cow”… but it clicked in when I told her. The coup de gras, however… a woman ran up to me and said, “Excuse me… I’m from Channel 4 news. What are you?”

“Uh…. Charlie Brown?”

“Oh, okay.” And then she walked away. The cameraman wasn’t pointing the camera at me or anything, so I don’t know why she bothered to tell me she was from the news… but I really wanted to say, “You don’t recognize an American Cultural Icon of Halloween for the last 50 years… and you’re job is to inform the masses????” I can understand the occasional person not figuring it out… but someone in the media shouldn’t be one of them. Am I wrong?

Anyway, like I said… I had a good time. Got a lot of pictures of other good costumes, met some nice people… even saw a guy dressed as Jeebus with a sign saying, “Judgment Day is Nigh! Show Me Your Tits and I Will Judge Them.” (Which I thought was *really* funny. I hope it pissed off the obnoxious street preachers who were constantly spouting how everyone deserves Hell. Why you gotta preach hate?)

One thing I’m surprised I *didn’t* see? More political costumes. A friend and I were remarking how we hadn’t seen any all night. I only saw one as I was walking back to my car… a guy dressed as John McCain. But that was it.

I found that surprising, as we were just 4 days away from Election at the time.

Of which… to take the opportunity of a segue…

Yes, of course I voted. I got up an extra half-hour early, left my house early so I could hit the polls before work. (I knew I wouldn’t have time afterwards) The most difficult wait was the traffic. But the voting itself? In and out in less then 5 minutes. We didn’t have the new-fangled electronic voting booths in our town. Ours was the old fashioned pen-to-paper kind. Your ballot is basically a scan-tron sheet like in school, and you blacken in the little circle for the people you’re voting for. And apparently, there are no propositions right now in my state, so we’re just voting for the people. *shrug*

Normally, I keep my voting selection private… because I am and always will be an Independent. I don’t go with the whole “Are you a Republican or a Democrat?” crapola. That’s why I don’t vote in the primaries. When you enter the building, they ask you which side you want to see… and they register you AS THAT SIDE. I’m not saying I AM a Democrat… I just want to see what they have to say. I plan to do the same for the Republican side… but they don’t allow that. You’re only allowed to listen to one side in the primaries, and I’m not down with that. I want to look at one set of options and pick what I think is the best. Then look at ANOTHER set of options, pick the best one from there… then have those two choices start talking to try and convince me. They don’t let you do it that way. In the election, you can be independent… in the primaries, they have to label you. So I don’t do the Primaries.

But I did vote for Barack Obama. I think in large part because he’s more inspirational then most other candidates in the last 20+ years. And I think national esteem and identity is at a low point… and overall we NEED someone inspirational now more than ever. It’s a damn good country we have… and we want to feel good about being Americans again. I think National Identity is kind of important.

So I think that this IS a historic moment in a few ways. And not just because of the color of Barack’s skin. (Of which it’s technically false to call him the first African-American President… because he’s Bi-Racial. His mom is white, and his dad is black. Which makes him a great bridge of the two worlds, yes… but media likes to throw out buzzwords without always having the accuracy to back it up. I’m just saying.)

I’m not saying that John McCain would be a BAD leader. In fact… frankly, I think he wouldn’t be too shabby. The personality he showed at his concession speech was the same one he showed at the very beginning of his campaign… but had completely disappeared throughout the middle. Had he showed that grace in the last several months, I would have listened to him more. But I think the strategists in the Republican Party (who don’t care about policies, politics, or the best man for the job… they just care about winning) told him, “This is what you need to do to win. Now do it.” So the mudslinging started. (Hey, Obama’s camp had them, too.)

I also believe those same strategists told him to do what would become the absolute deal-breaker for me. He picked Sarah Palin as a running mate. I believe they came up to him and said, “America doesn’t want to see 2 Old White Men in the White House this time around. No matter what, the Democrats are giving them something different… so we HAVE to shake this up or we’re done for. Here, this one seems like a good puppet!”

When I first heard she was picked… I said, “Okay, let’s give her a chance. I know nothing about her, so let’s see what she’s got.” The first thing I read: She’s a staunch supporter of Abstinence-Only Education.

“I’m out!”

Yeah… because it doesn’t work. The numbers tell you it doesn’t work. The kids themselves tell you it doesn’t work. Guess what? It doesn’t work. Her own DAUGHTER is a teenage pregnancy… though, apparently that’s okay because “they’re planning to get married, anyway.” (Even though the guy’s MySpace profile clearly stated he didn’t want to get married or even have a long-term relationship with the girl. The same profile that mysteriously disappeared shortly after… Gee, who did that, I wonder?) That’s not even talking about all the OTHER things I read shortly after.

2 weeks after she was announced, I saw a book in the bookstore with her picture large and in-charge on the front… the title of the book was “Sarah: How a hockey mom turned the political establishment upside down”. Sorry, she didn’t “turn it upside-down”. It only made so much news because it was a completely nonsensical choice, that has no basis in this, or any other, plain of reality. She is not a “maverick”… no matter how often she says the damn word. I don’t care for her being a “hockey mom”… which is no slight on hockey moms. I’ve known Soccer Moms and Football Moms and many other types… but NONE of them are people I would want to place on the other side of the table… from Kim Jong Il. Or any of the other 1,000 psychos with political power in this world. (Hilary, at least, would grab them by the balls and twist… figuratively AND literally.) She has contradicted herself several times, shown ignorance and intolerance… and knowing that she might be a heartbeat away from the presidency… honestly scared me. That’s what shot McCain in the foot. If it was anyone else he picked… I would have had a harder decision.

So, I feel we dodged a bullet with this election. For that, I’m very thankful. I went to sleep Tuesday night pleased.

Woke up Wednesday, however… not-so-pleased.

When I discovered that Prop 8 in California passed. Proposition 8 is for the Ban of Gay Marriage. (Arizona and Florida passed it, too.)

I don’t care that I’m straight. I don’t care that I no longer live in California. I called that state “home” for 7 years, and many people that I love are still there… so I feel I have a vested interest in what happens out there. Finding out that several of my friends now are about to have their marriages dissolved, as if they never happened. And many more that are now told they’ll never be able to marry the person they love.

Those that know me, know that I would take bullets for my friends. But there’s nothing I can do about this. And it hurts so much, I’ve actually cried over this.

In the same 24 hour period of electing a historic president… a culmination of a movement that started with Abraham Lincoln and gained momentum with Martin Luther King Jr… as one minority group is validated, another is pushed down and is now LEGALLY considered to be second-class citizens, and not granted the basic human rights of others.

Hell, I was shocked to find that it was such a close race! (51% to 49%) I felt sure that it would be blown out of the water! But no. Why there are still people who so readily promote hate and discrimination on such a grand level… astounds me to no end.

I’ve heard their arguments… “the government doesn’t have the right to legislate the definition of marriage that’s been around for hundreds of years!” Pardon me… isn’t that EXACTLY what you’ve just done? You’ve used legislation and the political process to legally define what marriage is??? That is known as Hypocrisy.

I’ve heard their logic… “to protect the sanctity of marriage”. Okay, you’ve just opened up a can of worms… because they’re constantly using the word “sanctity”. “Sanctity” refers to something that is “Sacred”, which is a term to refer to something that is Holy or “From God”. That means you’re talking about RELIGION.

First amendment of the Constitution (correct me if I’m wrong) explicitly states that we’re allowed the “Freedom of Religion”. So what’s “Sacred” to one person isn’t so to another person… and that’s a-okay! You can’t infringe on their BASIC freedom of religion!

Wait a minute… what’s that say? Right there… look… here, at the Constitution. A little further down. What’s this, “Separation of Church and State”? Oh yeah… that means that Religion and Government have to stay as FAR away from each other as possible. One cannot dictate or influence the other.

So if marriage is a RELIGIOUS institution… then you can’t say anything, because THEIR religious beliefs allow them to marry, and we protect that with blood, sweat and history… and government can’t do anything about it.

If marriage is a LEGAL institution… then religion has absolutely nothing to do with it. Since the sole arguments against Gay Marriage is all about religion… then they have NO argument.

And if it’s both? Well, you’re doubly fucked. So take one of them and sit the fuck down. Take the other and shut the fuck up.

Proposition 8 should never have been on the ballot in the first place.

But hope remains.

There are some lawsuits already filed… trying to get this overturned. The one that I think is the most logical one has to do with “minor” and “major” changes. In California, minor changes are “amendments”, and are passed with a majority vote (51% or more). But major changes, “revisions”, have to be passed with a 2/3 majority vote.

Does taking away the civil rights of an entire demographic qualify as a “minor change”? I think not. Hopefully, the State Supreme Court of California will also see it that way. If so… then Prop 8 is 15% short, and it will be overturned!

People may have failed… but maybe Justice can still win.

So we have to remain hopeful. As hopeful as we were Tuesday night when we told the world who we wanted our new leader to be.

As hopeful as Linus, who dutifully sits every year in the most sincere Pumpkin Patch he can find… believing and hoping that The Great Pumpkin will finally arrive.

Now I’m waiting, too.

I Be Smert

Time: A while back, morning.

Set-up: Driving to work, hungry. Swing in to the on-the-way Dunkin Donuts to grab a breakfast sandwich. Normally when I do this, I get a Sausage, Egg & Cheese on an English Muffin. On this particular day, I decide to get something different: A Bacon, Egg & Cheese on an English Muffin. (Yeah, I’m a wild one)

The Event: I pull into the drive-through, getting hungry for my forthcoming Bacon, Egg & Cheese on an English Muffin. After making my way through the long morning convoy up to the little speaker in which we declare our nutritional choices for that time, I speak my order. The disembodied voice on the other side repeats it back… as a question. A question? Why is she questioning my choice? What’s wrong with a Bacon, Egg & Cheese on an English Muffin? I repeat my request… adding a “please”. She repeats it back again… as a question… and she sounds confused. Is the speaker not working too well? Is she getting static on her end? I repeat my order again… slowly and loudly, even over-enunciating it. Again, she questions it! Huh? I don’t normally go to this Dunkin Donuts, so I highly doubt she recognizes me and is thinking, “Hey, he normally orders Sausage on it… why is he getting Bacon? Is everything all right?” No… and this refusal to fulfill my very simple order is starting to get to me. I’m getting downright agitated. Again, I repeat it… slowly, loudly… the contempt in my voice is coming through. This happens for another THREE times… and I’m ready to run inside and push this lady into the Fry-o-lator!

Then she says, “You don’t want Egg on it?”

That’s when it clicks in… I was THINKING, “Bacon, Egg & Cheese on an English Muffin”…. But I’m SAYING, “Bacon, SAUSAGE & Cheese on an English Muffin.”

Now, the proper thing to do is apologize profusely, admit my mistake, and say, “Yes, indeed… I *did* want Egg on that, cancel the sausage, thank you.” Feel stupid for a minute, then eat my tasty breakfast sandwich… not a big deal, right?

But what do *I* say, instead?

“Uh… Yes! That’s what I said! A Bacon, Sausage & Cheese on an English Muffin… that’s EXACTLY what I want!”

That’s right… in an effort not to LOOK stupid… I do something even MORE stupid. Take a position of authority, and steadfastly declare that I’m right, and did NOT in fact, make a mistake (even though I did). As a result, I pretty much overdose on greasy, processed, micro-waved meat… which sits in my stomach all day. Ugh. And I feel I’ve permanently become a dumber individual for it. *shrug*

I’m the first to admit I’m an idiot.

Admittedly, a large part of saying that is my self-deprecating sense of humor. Because we’ve all done stupid stuff in our lives, and will continue to do so until our dying day. (The success of certain TV shows is a testament to that) Every mistake you’ve made, understandable or not, always seemed like a good idea at the time. If there’s one thing that’s truly universal and limitless… it’s human stupidity. So to single myself out in that fashion isn’t exactly a breakthrough… and fairly pointless. But I think it’s funny.

Now, I’ll sometimes talk to people that see a statement like, “Don’t mind me, I’m just an idiot” to be a psychological Red Flag, and immediately kick in the Oprah-Instinct saying, “No… You’re NOT an idiot… you’re a wonderful, intelligent human being who only made a simple mistake! Love yourself!”

“Uh… okay? And while I’m doing that… can you please chill-out?”

Okay, just for the Oprahs out there, I am indeed going to throw aside modesty for a few moments, and just lay down some facts:

-I have a Master’s Degree. A Master of Fine Arts Degree, to be precise, which is more specialized and took an extra year to get. Graduated with a 3.91 GPA.

-I’ve taken 2 different IQ tests at 2 different times… and scored 138 on one, and 145 on the other. The scale on both put 140 as either borderline Genius, or well IN the Genius arena.

-I’ve taught at the college level.

Those are probably the biggest, most impressive qualifications. If you want to get into some of the nitty gritty geeky examples:

-I finished the game MYST in about 5 hours, without hints or help… when most people I talked to took at least 40+.

-The first Sudoku puzzle I tried was the “Ultra-Super-Insane” difficulty level… and I finished it inside an hour.

-I know, and understand, the concept of Schrodinger’s Cat.

-And if I compared my knowledge and understanding of Shakespeare to the average person (and even some teachers I’ve had)… I would totally School them.

Okay, so the more examples I give, the geekier I sound, and the idea of “being intelligent” doesn’t sound so appealing… but the bottom line is:

I know I’m not an idiot.

I do indeed have a brain, and I’m not afraid to use it.

The reason I engage in my self-deprecation on a regular basis has to do with what I was tossing aside a minute ago: Modesty. (The Comedy is a bonus)

Modesty keeps me in check. It’s a big, wondrous world out there, with so much information… it’s impossible to ever be able to absorb it all. (Part of why I also consider IQ tests to be a bit subjective, that’s why I don’t put much importance in my high scores.) Modesty keeps me on a more even level… and gives me a better view of everything, and actually gets me to absorb even more of the world around me… large and small. (Being at the egotistical top or bottom… really only gives you one point of view.)

Personally… I think it’s an admirable quality to have, and wouldn’t mind seeing more people with it. Because big egos Suck. Now, I have been known to go the other direction with my humor… and occasionally spout lines such as:

“Oh, you didn’t get the memo? You see… I’m awesome.”

“Well, I do have a distinct and unfair advantage: I’m Polish.”

“I am the Man with a Capital ‘M’!”

“It truly is a bane being this Hot…”

Again, I do this for comedy. I think those statements are so exaggerated and over-the-top, that I can’t see how anyone would take them seriously. Also provides a change of pace from the “I consider it your fault, because I *am* an idiot” type of discourse. Even though, I usually follow one of these self-inflating statements with an intentional bit of silly foolishness. (Hopefully, to emphasize the comedy)

It’s the genuine big egos we gotta watch out for. Because Big Egos are the ones that are real good at building themselves up… but they’re also good at pushing others down.

One big lesson I learned when I did “Improvisation Sports”… when you try to make yourself look good, then Nobody looks good. But when you try to make OTHERS look good… then Everyone looks great. (Plus, it always makes for better and funnier scenes.) I think this applies verbatim to real life. It’s always more productive to “Build-up” then to “Tear Down”. So I’ll readily sing the praises of the awesomeness of my friends… because it feels good, makes them smile, and makes them want to hang out with me more.

Yet, I do have people in my life that love to build themselves up… and they seem to prefer doing it by pushing me down. (It’s hard to avoid them… being related to them and all.)

And it’s all too easy to tear people down. Because no matter how many degrees I have, no matter the IQ score or whatever I’ve done in life… there’s plenty of things I don’t know anything about. So there are many times I’ll say something that I’m mistaken on… and man, they jump on that stuff faster than a cat on a mouse! For the next hour, this error is then shoved relentlessly in your face. (Which is as fun as it sounds.)

What’s even more fun is the times that you’re *helping* the Big Egos with a task, they tell you what they need you to do, and even when you’re doing it exactly that way… they start to get mad at YOU because it’s not all going as smoothly as they planned… never thinking that they botched the initial explanation. Nope… it’s just easier to yell and treat you like a 5-year-old moron. Albert Einstein wouldn’t be safe around these people.

I’ve said similar statements before… There’s a big difference between BEING stupid and FEELING stupid.

I know I’m not stupid… but I know what it’s like to feel stupid.

That’s one of the reasons for using the Comedy like I do… if I point out my own mistakes and *I’m* the one saying I’m the idiot… that pretty much defuses anyone else’s attempts to sincerely knock me down a few needless pegs. (Doesn’t always work, but generally does the trick) They have no steam or ammunition to use against me, because I already did it. Very close friends (Level 1 and high Level 2s…) can get away with calling me an “idiot” once in a great while… and only when I’m vocally encouraging it. (It’ll be something like, “Just call me an idiot, and tell me to shut up, okay?”)

That’s also why I go out of my way to try and make sure I don’t treat anyone ELSE like they’re stupid. I’m not saying I’ve never done it… but it surely wasn’t intentional, those times that I did. I’m hesitant to ever declare someone utterly “stupid”… because I’m sure there’s some hidden genius within them. Maybe it’s working on cars… or history and applications of Beautician techniques… or Watch-making. All things I’m not in the least bit interested in… (okay, the Watch-making could be cool)… but doesn’t make that person stupid, or even any less intelligent then me. It’s just a different kind of intelligence. If we did a test based on “Automobile IQ”… I don’t think I’d score very high… because my exposure in life was not to cars and trucks. In that realm, I’d be stupid… and I’d feel stupid as soon as I see the test results. But as soon as the conversation turned to Shakespeare… boy, watch out!

And one thing I’ll never do? I consciously make it a point to NEVER EVER say these words:

“I told you so.”

There’s words that will make you feel dumber… but not many. Being on the receiving end of that situation; you’re told someone’s opinion… your decision for action goes AGAINST that opinion… and you fail? Well… a person that says “I Told You So” feels a little higher… a little bigger, a little smarter… because they knew what you obviously didn’t… and just to be sure, they’re pointing it out.

Those words have absolutely NO value, intrinsic or otherwise in the world. They don’t solve the problem, they only point out folly. It builds the speaker up by pushing the listener down.

When I give an opinion, and the other person goes against it… and fails… guess what? They already KNOW what I told them. They were there. In fact, they may be feeling dumb already because they know “they were told so”… so wasted words don’t need to be said. (Even those people that innocently say, “I’m just saying, I told you so”… thinking they’re being innocent and not in-your-face obnoxious? It IS obnoxious, because there’s still no point to say it. Why are you bothering?) And since it wouldn’t solve the problem… well, I figure that’s the more important issue on the table (rather than my own ego-stroking), so why not just get that taken care of? Has the situation/problem changed at all? So tackle it anew, and fix what is broken… get on with a more productive life.

If anything, I feel it’s my job to build that person back up… remind them that even though they failed this one time… they’re still awesome. (If I’m giving them my opinion and advice, I most likely think that already) And NOT to blindly “take my advice next time”… because I’m not always going to be right. In fact, they did what they SHOULD have done… listen to the advice/opinion, assess it within themselves, and using their *own* judgment, make a decision on what they think is the right thing to do. Sure we’ll all make mistakes. That’s what being human is all about.

So be human.

And let’s get stupid.