(Hey, look… my first sequel post. Here’s the first part.)
So, I was forced back out into the cold, cold world of job-searching. Confused, shocked, depressed, filled with dread… and I was still in the parking lot of my now ex-place-of-employment.
After a few deep breaths, I said, “Well, no use sitting on my ass.” (Yes, I said this to an otherwise-empty car.)
I started to drive back home… stopping off at the Temp Agency that got me placed at that company in the first place. I went right in, told them what just happened, and asked to re-open my file, which they did. I was now back in the Temp Loop… which is better then being in no loop, for sure.
Now, they told me how jobs were slim, but it would *hopefully* pick up fairly soon. It certainly wasn’t going to be the only method I used, but it was a start, at least.
Over the coming days, I would start to reflect on the reasons I was laid off. And I know it wasn’t “anything personal” (to the company, although definitely personal to me) or any performance-based reason why I was laid off (that I was told of). I did my job, and I think I did it well.
No, this was an accounting issue (for lack of a better term… I don’t mean it was the Accountant’s fault). So, in that context… I still tried to find some reasonable explanation. And since I have a tendency to over-think things… and think in odd ways… the standard answers don’t seem to work for me.
The first standard answer is “profits are down”. What exactly does that mean? Does that mean they are LOSING money? Meaning… no profit at all. The operating costs exceed the income. Then yeah… I can understand that. Or does it mean what it actually is saying… “profits are down”… they’re just not making AS MUCH a profit as they’d like to? They’re still making a profit… just not as big as they want. (Aw, poor baby) So, after all operating costs, and subtract that from the income you make, you still have money left over.
This is actually the situation that I think most companies are in. Profits are simply a little less. So… why the need to fire people? If you expect your employees to be loyal, and they continue to bring in a positive profit in an ailing economy, why do the same rules not apply to the company? In my fantasy world, if I own a company and I can afford to pay everyone, including myself, pay for everything I need, and at the end of the year, NOT owe money to anyone… then it’s a good year. If after that, the profit is only 1 dollar… its still a profit. Sure, you won’t be able to give any raises, or be able to “expand” like you wanted… but that’s the fault of the ailing economy! Sure, we got this ailing economy because of some greedy Mother-F-ers grabbing for every penny… but doing the same thing isn’t going to get us OUT of it. If you stay even, and weather out the storm, and you’re not *losing* money… when it does turn around, you’ll be in a better position to cash in. Not to mention what it does for the esteem and loyalty of your employees… you’ll actually be Walking what other companies are Talking with that subject. You’ll really have your “(Insert company name) Family”.
“Oh, but the Shareholders are demanding large profits.”
Shareholders, huh? Granted, I oversimplify a lot of things. Business acumen is not my forte. But it appears to me that things like “dividends” and whatnot, in regards to Stocks don’t mean a whole lot, monetarily. No, the primary flow of cash comes from the buying and selling of said stocks.
So you have someone that buys a large number of shares… partially owning the company… wants heavy profits so the stock value goes up… so he can sell off his shares, and NOT be an owner of the company?
Why should the rest of the company be so concerned with someone who really wants nothing to do with it?
I admit, I don’t normally meet owners of companies that honestly have no long-term interest in how their company does. Nor do I meet ones that are willing to do NOTHING to help it thrive. But that’s what shareholders do… they become part owners, then sit back and do nothing waiting for the value to go up.
If you honestly have a vested interest… and want the company to, oh I don’t know, get more clients… get off your ass and help find more clients for YOUR company. That’s not how being a shareholder works? That’s fine… but you shouldn’t have the right to complain, then. Stocks are like gambling… you can gain money, and you can lose money. But you can’t go to the dealer and say, “Hey, I put down a large bet, so give me a straight flush. I demand it.” You take your cards and you live with them.
And realize that after you buy a stock… you don’t actually gain or lose money until you SELL it. So what if it drops to less then you paid for it? Don’t sell! Give it time, and it will go the other way, and you’ll make a profit. Oh, you want money *now*? Well, McDonalds is hiring. Yes, there’s a chance the company could tank and fold… you were gambling in the first place. See last sentence of previous paragraph.
Alright, anyone that has a personal knowledge of stocks and business is probably thinking I’m a huge idiot right now, and that’s fine. This is just one layman’s take on it. And I’m not talking bad about capitalism… that’s our system, no problem. I get that, and am fine with it. But it does breed some greedy mother-f-ers, and you may think it does nothing BUT breed greedy mother-f-ers. I don’t think so. I think there is room for compassion and loyalty in the system… but it does seem to be hard to find. Hence why I became one of many “victims of the economy”.
Regardless… I had to re-start the job search. Updated the resume, got about 6 weeks of coaching from that career-transition service that talked to me mere seconds after receiving my pink slip (which wasn’t actually pink, by the way… nor was it a slip)… and was on my computer for 6+ hours each day looking for work and leads. I wasn’t having luck. (Also part of why I wasn’t finding time to blog… I was tired of looking at my computer!)
I even tried a few job fairs… the first one even made it on the news, because it was so insane. They expected 40,000 people… and about 200,000 showed up. Including me. I showed up at 9:00am in the parking lot, and the show was to start at 9:30. I didn’t even make it onto the shuttle bus until after noon. (I felt like I was back in a cattle call audition in L.A… on one hand it was a good thing, because I was used to it) Then, when I got to the site, I had to wait *another* hour in *another* line to get into the building where the fair was. Ugh... just thinking about it makes me shake my head. I had a list of about 30 companies I had planned to talk to, and the longer I waited in line, the more names I had to cross off… distilling it down to my absolute essentials, figuring that’s all I’d have time for (figuring about 8 minutes of waiting at each one, and a few more minutes of talking to the representatives, etc). Turns out I got to talk to *every* company… because each one took about 13 seconds. “Oh yeah, you apply online. All that info is online. All the descriptions are online. You can give your resume online.” I wanted to grab each person I saw and just scream, “Then… WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING TO BE HERE???” It was so pointless and frustrating… and only served to show that actual “job fairs” are pointless and outdated. I was making more progress futilely job-searching in my pajama pants.
And boy, does it seem futile. Frustration just seems to pile up more and more every day. It racks its toll on your psyche, your esteem… pretty much any angle you think of it, it impacts it negatively.
(Not to mention it made the whole dating thing (even more) awkward for me… sure everyone seemed so understanding because of the economy, but I can’t imagine it’s a big plus to hear that your dating prospect is “between jobs”. Usually that’s a euphemism for “Deadbeat Loser”.)
I will say, one good thing that came out of being laid-off… it got me to think. I’ve always been able to exist in an office environment, and even make a positive impact. But it’s not *me*. That’s not what I love doing. Hell, I have 2 degrees in Theatre! Though, knowing that industry is suffering just as much, if not more then before… I sat down and started to think about “what would make me happy?” Because I’d rather not go into another job that I only tolerate… I want something I can look forward to, and actually enjoy the work I do. So what “realistic” job would fit that description?
And then I remembered… I enjoyed teaching.
Back when I taught Theatre at a small college just outside of Los Angeles, I really liked it. Sure, the bureaucracy was frustrating… and it wasn’t perfect. But being there in class, teaching 40+ students… was fun.
Looking back, I got out of it for pretty silly reasons, and I shouldn’t have. But the individual I was dating at the time (who would soon be NOT the person I was dating), mentioned how I hadn’t been making as much progress on getting to be a professional actor/writer as she thought I should, and I had been thinking she was right… the teaching took up quite a bit of time, and I was thinking it was getting in the way. (Yes, I was actually thinking that it interfered too much with my “Starving Artist” lifestyle) Considering how the next year went (after I stopped teaching)… I would definitely have done it differently.
But now I’m thinking I’d like to get back into it. It’s a subject I’m passionate and enthusiastic about… I have fun with it. I enjoyed passing it on to willing ears. And dare I say, I even found it a bit fulfilling. So, I’ve decided to make that my new goal: To get back into it.
Thus far, the progress I’ve made in the past year… I’ve been approved to teach online classes through a local university. I’ve gone through the training… (an online class to learn how to teach online classes… appropriate or redundant?) Now I’m just waiting for word of when the class starts. I’m listed as faculty on their website, so it looks like *eventually* something will come along… I just hope it’s somewhat soon. If for nothing else, I’d like to get back into practice. I’m approved to teach “Intro to Drama” and “Shakespeare”… things I’ve taught before, thankfully. But for now… I wait.
Was the lay-off a blessing in disguise? Eh… hard to say. I’m doing my best to treat it as such. But it still feels like hassles and hard times that were just thrust upon me without good enough logic.
But… I am now currently employed. The temp service found me another company that liked me. I’m back doing Administrative Assistant-work. I’m still there as a “Temp”, which means that it could technically end at any moment… but my boss has stated her intent to hire me on permanent. (Which is a plus) No, it’s not teaching… it’s back to corporate America… but as a day job, it’s a good one. And it will do for now.
And it’s something I can do in conjunction with the online teaching (whenever it starts)… hopefully it will give me back some of that security I lost last year… as well as some of the personal fulfillment I’m searching for. And hopefully, the sooner it starts, the sooner I’d be able to parlay it into a regular face-to-face teaching job somewhere. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won’t… but it is my goal.
And it is nice to have something to shoot for again.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
3.06.2010
3.05.2010
Not what I meant by “Getting Laid”
Exactly one year ago today… I got laid off from my job.
I had just passed my one-year anniversary with the place, too (about 2 weeks earlier). I had started there as a temp replacement Admin Assistant because the regular one was going on vacation for a month. I was just tooling along for a few weeks, when I was approached by the head of the “Export Compliance” department. (Though, it would also be accurate to say I was approached by the ENTIRETY of the Export Compliance department… as it was just him.) He said he had heard that I was a pretty detail-oriented and focused guy, and he had just been approved to hire an assistant… so he wondered if I would maybe be interested.
Now, I didn’t know what was entailed in “Export Compliance”… but it turns out, it’s really just making sure the company is following all of the gazillion laws that the U.S. Government has, when shipping things outside of the country. Ever since 9/11, it’s been a growing necessity for companies, frankly. They’d give me the training and all… which wasn’t that difficult, I thought. Mostly just repetitive paperwork and “busy-work”, frankly. But it would free up him to work on the bigger, more specialized tasks for important account, while I took care of the day-to-day stuff.
It would be a permanent position, with a bit of a pay raise, benefits (medical AND dental… and it’d been a very long time since I had insurance for those!) and apparent employment security. But admittedly… none of it was the biggest reason for accepting the job. But, rather:
I would be able to tell people I work in “Exports”.
And saying that you work in “Exports”… I think we all know what that is really a euphemism for, right?
That’s right. Secret Agent.
What, you don’t see the connection? Hey, James Bond’s standard cover story was that he worked for “Universal Exports”. This is pop culture people! It’s ingrained in our psyche!
Sure, in this case, it *wasn’t* a euphemism, but I could FEEL cool, dammit!
But yeah… that was seriously the biggest attraction to take the job. That probably says a lot about me.
Still… I actually liked the work. At times, it even felt more like “Secret Agent” then I thought it would… especially the time I was subtly threatened from a man in Iran because I was “asking too many questions”. I even got to go on my first honest-to-goodness business trip (a cute little story on its own). The people were nice, and just the act of keeping mentally busy actually charged me creatively in quite a few ways. (The blogging regularity heyday of 2008 occurred during this timeframe.) I was saving money, feeling pretty good, and even having occasional random fun.
What random fun, you say? Well, I had fun planting some of the Victor Riley business cards around. I didn’t put out that many… but I figured I should stop when I saw a company-wide memo from the President that solely addressed this; saying, “for those that don’t know, it’s an anonymous way to congratulate someone on a job well-done. While such reinforcement is positive, we ask that this stop, as we have our own company methods for such rewards…” Yeah, I found it a bit confusing myself… and it appears to have been grossly misinterpreted (especially since I was actually trying to subtly and innocently flirt with the Beautiful Romanian gal from Archives), but nonetheless, I figured it may be wise to stop.
One day, another company-wide memo came out… basically saying that due to the troubling economy, the parent corporation that owned our company, was going to be cutting 15% of the workforce. I admit I didn’t get involved in any water-cooler talks with people about this, so I never heard fellow concerns or anything. I also admit… I thought I was safe. The entirety of the “Export Compliance” department was my boss and I. That was it. The two of us were doing everything, and we had more then enough work to occupy ourselves. So I didn’t get into any water-cooler talk, not because I didn’t care… I was busy getting work done. I logically figured that since that’s the situation for us… that I wasn’t going anywhere.
How wrong I was. A few weeks went by, and then came March 5th.
Earlier that week, my boss had been out of town on a multi-day business meeting… so I was covering his daily tasks as well. This was his first day back. I went in that Thursday morning like I had for the previous year, and noticed nothing different. After about an hour, I saw my boss. I gave him a quick update on the status of things, handed him a few folders that he’d need… and then he asked if I’d come over to his office for a minute. (All things we’ve done a dozen times before) I first started to raise an eyebrow when I walked in, and he closed the door. “Okay, something’s wrong here… did I mess up something big? What’s going on here?”
That’s when he brought up the memo about the 15% cuts… and that I’ve been “affected”.
To say that I was “shocked”… probably doesn’t begin to cover it. Within seconds of this news, I was given a packet of information, with forms in it that I was to sign (but didn’t have to do so right there), and 2 checks… one for the previous pay period, and the period we were in, which actually paid me for the next day, *and the next week*, too. (We were in the middle of a pay period) And another check that included 2-weeks severance, and pay for the 2 weeks of vacation I had accrued (but hadn’t taken).
Sure on the plus side, I now had a couple thousand bucks in my hand… but the security, the certainty, the hoped-for plans I had for that year (like getting an apartment), were out the window. (Not to mention, this wasn’t that long after the “2nd-date Denial”… so I *really* wasn’t having a good couple of weeks.)
One thing I think I’m pretty good at… is staying calm when I have every reason to NOT. Yes, I was sad and even hurt to be tossed out like this by the company (I could tell that my boss did NOT want to be doing this, and I even had that confirmed later. I had made his life and job a lot easier, and was the reason he could take Fridays off. He just walked in that morning and was told by the higher-ups that he had to let me go… right then)… But I do have my pride. Even if I don’t like the work I do… I like to do my best at it, anyway. So, I asked if I would be allowed to finish out the day. My reasoning: I will never have it be said that I left people in a lurch. Even when having no reason to do a good job… I do it anyway. I like to think I’ve got some integrity, and I prefer to live up to that. (Even though I can hear my dad’s voice saying, “To hell with them” if he were in that situation… just one more way we differ.)
My boss actually said that… no, I wasn’t allowed to. In fact, my computer was going to be locked out by 11:00am. He said not to worry about any of the work on my desk…In fact, I could even leave now, if I wanted, and not wait until then. All I had to do, was just gather up my stuff when I got back to my desk.
This wasn’t right away… because my now ex-boss directed me to the conference room across the hall… where another gentleman was waiting, one I’d never seen before. He was an outside guy… a “career transition” counselor that the company hired that basically helps prepare us for the new job search. (Keep in mind, this is all MINUTES after getting the can in the first place) He gave me more packets of information, and how he’d be working with me in the coming weeks to help in this time, etc… Everything seemed to move so fast… because it was. This was the highest level of efficiency I’d seen in a long time… and thinking back on how that all tooled along, and how I wasn’t allowed to finish the day, and whatnot… everything was absolutely set-up with the expectation that I was going to take an absolute nutty. Sure, maybe *some* people might (I wasn’t the only one getting cut that day… I even found out later, to my surprise, the hot Romanian gal got cut too!), but knowing how *I* am, and how I’d rather stoically bear it, Clint-Eastwood style… it did feel a bit extra degrading, being “processed” so quickly.
Still… to my ideals, I don’t want to leave people in a lurch. So, yes, my boss said to not worry about the unfinished work… but I did finish up a few in-progress things on my desk. I separated into two piles… the finished and the unfinished (even put sticky notes listing them as such), I clearly laid out the folder I made called, “How To Do My Job”, with all the procedural things that I had detailed out (in the case that someone would one day have to cover for me, and not know exactly what to do), and then gathered up my belongings.
I had to be gone by 11am… but I had everything gathered up by a little after 10. I wasn’t going to be allowed multiple trips… only one. My security pass was taken, so one time was going to be it. Now, I don’t know what would have happened at 11am, had I stuck around… if I was going to be actually escorted off the premises or not. But as I was finishing, I looked up and saw the other people in my section going into the Marketing VPs office, quietly and quickly. I had a few duties that I did for that department, and as such, was considered a part of Marketing. So, I could guess what that impromptu meeting was about. As I had no more reason to stick around… stuff gathered up, everything I needed off my computer is off… I wasn’t going to get to say a polite goodbye. (Like I said, it was set-up like I was going to take a nutty.) Even my boss’s office was closed, so I wouldn’t even get one final handshake.
Then… came the most stereotypical, clichéd situation I can recall being part of, in about 10 years. That being, the “long walk”… we’ve all seen it in movies and shows… all the cubicle-possessions, calendars, desk-food stash, stress relievers, small decorations, etc, gathered up in one medium-sized box, carried with both hands, and walking it all out to the car for the just-revealed final time.
I honestly felt like I was in the beginning of a bad comedy film.
The sun was bright and high in the sky… not normally a time of day in which I experienced that parking lot… as that was usually the growing light of the morning or the fading light of the evening. The concrete was dry, and large piles of snow still scattered around the outlying areas of grass.
I got into my car, and before I turned the key to start up the engine and drive off this lot for the last time… something went through my mind. And I said to myself something that I think a lot of people feel when having major news thrust upon them in such short burst of time. When events unfold through no workings of your own and a rapid confusion seems like the only reaction you’re capable of…
“What the Fuck just happened?”
I had just passed my one-year anniversary with the place, too (about 2 weeks earlier). I had started there as a temp replacement Admin Assistant because the regular one was going on vacation for a month. I was just tooling along for a few weeks, when I was approached by the head of the “Export Compliance” department. (Though, it would also be accurate to say I was approached by the ENTIRETY of the Export Compliance department… as it was just him.) He said he had heard that I was a pretty detail-oriented and focused guy, and he had just been approved to hire an assistant… so he wondered if I would maybe be interested.
Now, I didn’t know what was entailed in “Export Compliance”… but it turns out, it’s really just making sure the company is following all of the gazillion laws that the U.S. Government has, when shipping things outside of the country. Ever since 9/11, it’s been a growing necessity for companies, frankly. They’d give me the training and all… which wasn’t that difficult, I thought. Mostly just repetitive paperwork and “busy-work”, frankly. But it would free up him to work on the bigger, more specialized tasks for important account, while I took care of the day-to-day stuff.
It would be a permanent position, with a bit of a pay raise, benefits (medical AND dental… and it’d been a very long time since I had insurance for those!) and apparent employment security. But admittedly… none of it was the biggest reason for accepting the job. But, rather:
I would be able to tell people I work in “Exports”.
And saying that you work in “Exports”… I think we all know what that is really a euphemism for, right?
That’s right. Secret Agent.
What, you don’t see the connection? Hey, James Bond’s standard cover story was that he worked for “Universal Exports”. This is pop culture people! It’s ingrained in our psyche!
Sure, in this case, it *wasn’t* a euphemism, but I could FEEL cool, dammit!
But yeah… that was seriously the biggest attraction to take the job. That probably says a lot about me.
Still… I actually liked the work. At times, it even felt more like “Secret Agent” then I thought it would… especially the time I was subtly threatened from a man in Iran because I was “asking too many questions”. I even got to go on my first honest-to-goodness business trip (a cute little story on its own). The people were nice, and just the act of keeping mentally busy actually charged me creatively in quite a few ways. (The blogging regularity heyday of 2008 occurred during this timeframe.) I was saving money, feeling pretty good, and even having occasional random fun.
What random fun, you say? Well, I had fun planting some of the Victor Riley business cards around. I didn’t put out that many… but I figured I should stop when I saw a company-wide memo from the President that solely addressed this; saying, “for those that don’t know, it’s an anonymous way to congratulate someone on a job well-done. While such reinforcement is positive, we ask that this stop, as we have our own company methods for such rewards…” Yeah, I found it a bit confusing myself… and it appears to have been grossly misinterpreted (especially since I was actually trying to subtly and innocently flirt with the Beautiful Romanian gal from Archives), but nonetheless, I figured it may be wise to stop.
One day, another company-wide memo came out… basically saying that due to the troubling economy, the parent corporation that owned our company, was going to be cutting 15% of the workforce. I admit I didn’t get involved in any water-cooler talks with people about this, so I never heard fellow concerns or anything. I also admit… I thought I was safe. The entirety of the “Export Compliance” department was my boss and I. That was it. The two of us were doing everything, and we had more then enough work to occupy ourselves. So I didn’t get into any water-cooler talk, not because I didn’t care… I was busy getting work done. I logically figured that since that’s the situation for us… that I wasn’t going anywhere.
How wrong I was. A few weeks went by, and then came March 5th.
Earlier that week, my boss had been out of town on a multi-day business meeting… so I was covering his daily tasks as well. This was his first day back. I went in that Thursday morning like I had for the previous year, and noticed nothing different. After about an hour, I saw my boss. I gave him a quick update on the status of things, handed him a few folders that he’d need… and then he asked if I’d come over to his office for a minute. (All things we’ve done a dozen times before) I first started to raise an eyebrow when I walked in, and he closed the door. “Okay, something’s wrong here… did I mess up something big? What’s going on here?”
That’s when he brought up the memo about the 15% cuts… and that I’ve been “affected”.
To say that I was “shocked”… probably doesn’t begin to cover it. Within seconds of this news, I was given a packet of information, with forms in it that I was to sign (but didn’t have to do so right there), and 2 checks… one for the previous pay period, and the period we were in, which actually paid me for the next day, *and the next week*, too. (We were in the middle of a pay period) And another check that included 2-weeks severance, and pay for the 2 weeks of vacation I had accrued (but hadn’t taken).
Sure on the plus side, I now had a couple thousand bucks in my hand… but the security, the certainty, the hoped-for plans I had for that year (like getting an apartment), were out the window. (Not to mention, this wasn’t that long after the “2nd-date Denial”… so I *really* wasn’t having a good couple of weeks.)
One thing I think I’m pretty good at… is staying calm when I have every reason to NOT. Yes, I was sad and even hurt to be tossed out like this by the company (I could tell that my boss did NOT want to be doing this, and I even had that confirmed later. I had made his life and job a lot easier, and was the reason he could take Fridays off. He just walked in that morning and was told by the higher-ups that he had to let me go… right then)… But I do have my pride. Even if I don’t like the work I do… I like to do my best at it, anyway. So, I asked if I would be allowed to finish out the day. My reasoning: I will never have it be said that I left people in a lurch. Even when having no reason to do a good job… I do it anyway. I like to think I’ve got some integrity, and I prefer to live up to that. (Even though I can hear my dad’s voice saying, “To hell with them” if he were in that situation… just one more way we differ.)
My boss actually said that… no, I wasn’t allowed to. In fact, my computer was going to be locked out by 11:00am. He said not to worry about any of the work on my desk…In fact, I could even leave now, if I wanted, and not wait until then. All I had to do, was just gather up my stuff when I got back to my desk.
This wasn’t right away… because my now ex-boss directed me to the conference room across the hall… where another gentleman was waiting, one I’d never seen before. He was an outside guy… a “career transition” counselor that the company hired that basically helps prepare us for the new job search. (Keep in mind, this is all MINUTES after getting the can in the first place) He gave me more packets of information, and how he’d be working with me in the coming weeks to help in this time, etc… Everything seemed to move so fast… because it was. This was the highest level of efficiency I’d seen in a long time… and thinking back on how that all tooled along, and how I wasn’t allowed to finish the day, and whatnot… everything was absolutely set-up with the expectation that I was going to take an absolute nutty. Sure, maybe *some* people might (I wasn’t the only one getting cut that day… I even found out later, to my surprise, the hot Romanian gal got cut too!), but knowing how *I* am, and how I’d rather stoically bear it, Clint-Eastwood style… it did feel a bit extra degrading, being “processed” so quickly.
Still… to my ideals, I don’t want to leave people in a lurch. So, yes, my boss said to not worry about the unfinished work… but I did finish up a few in-progress things on my desk. I separated into two piles… the finished and the unfinished (even put sticky notes listing them as such), I clearly laid out the folder I made called, “How To Do My Job”, with all the procedural things that I had detailed out (in the case that someone would one day have to cover for me, and not know exactly what to do), and then gathered up my belongings.
I had to be gone by 11am… but I had everything gathered up by a little after 10. I wasn’t going to be allowed multiple trips… only one. My security pass was taken, so one time was going to be it. Now, I don’t know what would have happened at 11am, had I stuck around… if I was going to be actually escorted off the premises or not. But as I was finishing, I looked up and saw the other people in my section going into the Marketing VPs office, quietly and quickly. I had a few duties that I did for that department, and as such, was considered a part of Marketing. So, I could guess what that impromptu meeting was about. As I had no more reason to stick around… stuff gathered up, everything I needed off my computer is off… I wasn’t going to get to say a polite goodbye. (Like I said, it was set-up like I was going to take a nutty.) Even my boss’s office was closed, so I wouldn’t even get one final handshake.
Then… came the most stereotypical, clichéd situation I can recall being part of, in about 10 years. That being, the “long walk”… we’ve all seen it in movies and shows… all the cubicle-possessions, calendars, desk-food stash, stress relievers, small decorations, etc, gathered up in one medium-sized box, carried with both hands, and walking it all out to the car for the just-revealed final time.
I honestly felt like I was in the beginning of a bad comedy film.
The sun was bright and high in the sky… not normally a time of day in which I experienced that parking lot… as that was usually the growing light of the morning or the fading light of the evening. The concrete was dry, and large piles of snow still scattered around the outlying areas of grass.
I got into my car, and before I turned the key to start up the engine and drive off this lot for the last time… something went through my mind. And I said to myself something that I think a lot of people feel when having major news thrust upon them in such short burst of time. When events unfold through no workings of your own and a rapid confusion seems like the only reaction you’re capable of…
“What the Fuck just happened?”
6.20.2008
Sexual HISassment
That was what a friend of mine in college called it. Her reasoning was that “if a guy ever tried it with me… that’s what I’d get. His ASS!”
She was also the only woman, nay, the only PERSON that, during a Strike (the one-night takedown of an entire set at the end of a show), grabbed the chainsaw (before I could) and yelled out, “Where do I start??” Ah, a woman with a penchant for power tools and destruction… So, *I* thought she was the cat’s meow.
Her description of it, to me, actually seems to be a lot more accurate. At least, it’s a lot more accurate as to what would happen to ME if I were caught up in it. Then again, I’m one paranoid sucker.
Suffice to say, I’m more or less terrified at the idea of being accused of Sexual Harassment. (And I don’t throw around the word “terrify” lightly) Years ago, when I was first entering the workforce during high school with a job washing dishes… I assumed that it’s probably something that never would have to worry me, because I was a respectful guy. I assumed “Sexual Harrassment” invariably involved ass-grabbing and very blunt, straightforward orders to remove clothing and perform… *ahem*… “non-work functions” while on the clock. And seeing as how I flat-out knew that women were not objects, but rather belonged to the same sentient and intelligent species category that *I* did… what did I have to worry about? I’m polite and cordial to everyone… and since I’m not a touchy-feely person, I won’t have to worry about people claiming I molest them. As for the female co-workers I was attracted to? Well, I knew I was too chicken to do anything, so how can anyone complain about advances I’m not making? To me, it’s always been “Look, but don’t touch” when it comes to women in the workplace.
Now, thankfully, I’ve never been accused of Sexual Harassment, or even reprimanded for it. But what I *did* do… was read about it. I’m not talking about just the examples given by Human Resources whenever I had to take the “mandatory sexual harassment workshop” (isn’t there a better title? It almost sounds like they’re going to show you how to do it… and that’s not the kind of job training I expect). Those workshops really only give you the obvious clear-cut scenarios, where there is NO doubt in anyone’s mind that “yes, what that guy is doing is sexist, an abuse of power, inappropriate, wrong, and 100% no-ifs-and-or-buts-about-it Sex-U-All Harassment!”
They DON’T tell you about the examples from the ugly gray area… the cases that sound flat-out shady and miscarriages of the system. The cases that to any logical individual aren’t actually sexual harassment… but are called, tried, and convicted as such. These are some of the cases I read about… the ones that got me REAL paranoid.
Like a guy who simply came up behind a colleague and tapped her on the shoulder with one finger just to get her attention. No, the colleague had no problem with it. It was the THIRD person… another woman who was *watching*, and suddenly ran to HR saying, “He was feeling for her bra strap! Sexual Harrassment!” The guy lost his job… and somehow the complainer got money out of it.
Or the woman that brought a lawsuit against her company for Sexual Harassment because… everyone in the office was hooking up and getting into relationships with each other and… wait for it… she WAS LEFT OUT!!! Yes, NOTHING happened to her… and THAT’S why she was complaining! And… she… *won*. A very large settlement.
Or the example I heard not too long ago on a morning radio show… A woman went to a male co-worker, because she discovered that he “found something funny”, and when she asked him about it, he refused to tell her… because he flat-out said it was raunchy and inappropriate. She pressed him, asking for the internet link. He still refused. She insisted, and kept insisting that she really wanted to see it. So, eventually he relented, and by her permission and emphatic request… he sent her the link. Two days later, he was called into HR, because that same woman then complained, and called Sexual Harassment. The company, wanting to avoid any and all trouble whatsoever… fired the guy, on what they admitted was very flimsy grounds for Sexual Harassment.
What- The- F---K???
That’s when I realized exactly what Sexual Harassment is. And every time I had to go to another mandatory Sexual Harassment Workshop, I expressed this out loud. Because invariably, the whole thing would start off with a manager or some outside “consultant” (brought in specially for this “training”) asking the very simple question:
“So, what *is* Sexual Harassment?”
It’s a standard technique in seminars (Hell, *I’ve* even used it). I don’t know, maybe it makes the speaker seem smart for “stating it so simply”. But they’ll go around the room and get everyone’s “answer/opinion”… and then poke holes in everyone’s answer, all in a set-up to simply get to THEIR definition, stated in a “nice, convenient, accurate wording” which is, in reality, the language of “Legalese”. People will talk back and forth, spouting something about “Well, what about *this*? Or how about *this situation*?”… and the speaker will be pleased because they initiated a “dialog” that goes on for an hour, but it doesn’t teach anyone anything new, yet everyone THINKS they learned something new, and walks out of the conference room saying, “Wow, that was enlightening”… without ever actually solving or changing anything.
My answer is quick, dirty, simple… and I don’t see how you can poke a hole in it, or ask a question that can’t be answered simply by repeating the exact wording. And it’s this:
Sexual Harassment is whatever the Accuser says it is.
It covers every “interpretation” point that is made when talking about “comfort” and an “appropriate work environment”… but I can tell that people don’t usually like me to state it like that… because it also encompasses a very ugly truth. This is the fact that Sexual Harassment has the capacity to be a Witch Hunt.
I’m sure we all know what a Witch Hunt is, right? For those that may not be sure: It’s looking for something that isn’t there, and finding it anyway.
The Salem Witch Trials in the 1600s… no one there was *actually* a Witch. It was just an excuse to get your neighbor’s land if they didn’t want to sell it to you cheap. They accuse you as a Witch, and that’s your death sentence… and you have no defense.
The McCarthy Communist Hearings of the 1950s… Hundreds of people blacklisted because someone named them “Communist” (accurately or not), and even though they were on a public “trial”… again, the accusation IS the sentence, with no due process and no defense.
Sexual Harassment has that ability. No guy wants to hear those words, because no matter what the facts are, chances are he’s losing his job (at the very least). Even if there IS direct evidence showing his innocence… he’s already been put through the ringer so much that he *couldn’t* stay there, even if he wanted to.
Higher-ups will admit, “yes, it can unfortunately be that way… that’s why WE thoroughly investigate the validity of each to fairly assess each situation and find the truth!” Sounds great… that’s what *should* be happening… but that takes a lot of time… and when the Accuser is on the horn to their lawyer, who is in turn pushing that paperwork through as fast as possible… well, the pressure starts coming down faster than a penny off the Empire State… and if something isn’t resolved *fast*, then the consequences just start piling up. Too often, the word comes down from on High saying, “make this go away”. The easiest way to do that? Eliminate the source of the apparent “problem”.
Now, I’m definitely not saying that ALL Sexual Harassment suits are attempts to cruelly ruin someone’s life for no reason, or looking for a big payout. Nor am I suggesting that all Accusers don’t FEEL threatened and harassed… which is the biggest legal snag. (How can you argue feelings? You can’t. That’s why they pretty much HAVE to side with the Accuser.) I’d like to think the vast majority of reports are legitimate and honest. (But not in the sense that I like to hear about people being accosted.)
Every angle of the whole issue is just so muddy and foggy, 100 times more than it’s even made out to be. Even if your company is incredibly strict on it… they’re still underestimating all the ramifications. And yes, I know it is fully possible for Men to be Sexually Harassed by Women. Now, pretty much my only example of that is an episode of Three’s Company, where Jack Tripper (John Ritter) was working at a restaurant, and his female boss kept grabbing his butt. (There was a movie with Demi Moore and Michael Douglas about that too… but I never saw it.) But I think, deep down… with everyone “knowing how guys are”… people probably don’t take that as seriously as they should.
Sure, I’ve heard the statistics that say how a lot of people end up dating and marrying people they work with… but what about the instances when it doesn’t work out? If there’s a bad breakup… and then you have to still see that person every day? (I know I’m, at the very least, uncomfortable being the same area as an Ex.) Oooch, that’s just a recipe for bad karma, right there.
That’s why I do my best to remain Asexual when it comes to women I work with. I so blatantly keep my eyes above chest level, most people think I’m fascinated by the ceiling tiles. Yet, despite all my efforts, sometimes just the circumstance of owning a penis tends to throw it all out the window.
I used to work at a women’s clothing catalog… Now, it wasn’t the first or last time I’d been outnumbered at a job, gender-wise… but definitely the one where I had the greatest odds against me. Including myself, I think there were 5 guys in that office, compared to 150 women. Two of those guys were corporate, and were locked inside their office all day. So that left 3 male cubicle-jockeys in the joint to sell women’s clothing alongside the legion of actual target customer demographic. (Oddly enough… I was actually good at selling clothing to women I’d never seen.) Some guys would consider that “heaven on earth”… not me. Eyes on my computer, ears on my phone system, and just do my job. Last thing I need is to give a reason to be lynched by a score of scorned women.
Still… it didn’t stop many women there from believing that I *was* there with the intention of feeding my libido. I actually got several dirty looks from women that believed that just because I was walking past them and said “hi” when they looked at me… figured that meant I obviously wanted to do the horizontal hokey-pokey with them. There was one that was actively telling people that I “had a thing” for her, and she was annoyed at me for it. When a friend of mine told me this, (one of the few really cool gals I met… who was in a relationship, so off-limits) and asked if it was true, I said:
“Who?”
Yeah, methinks she was only seeing what she wanted to see. To the point of complete self-delusion.
Hell, I might have had a case MYSELF… I was having an uncomfortable work experience because I was being judged on my gender. Hell… I could have paid off college years ago!
Anyway, with the next job I had… I decided to try something. This was when I went off to Grad School, and ended up going back to my roots… washing dishes. When I started there, I made the resolution to not let ANYONE know what my sexuality was.
Granted, it’s not one of the first things that come up in conversation… but I’ve been thought to be Gay before, and that’s from no effort on my part. So maybe I actually get that to work *for* me this time around. (There was always the extremes… either I’m Gay, or a disgusting chauvinistic pig. Apparently no room for the “nice guy” category that I’ve always tried for) With a little effort, I got pretty good at being very cryptic and ambiguous with the things I said, especially when asked questions of a love/dating nature, or that were just plain risqué. (When working in restaurants, those subjects come up on pretty much an hourly basis. Its how we got through the day.) One day, one of the waitresses was flat-out asking me if I “liked” any of the other waitresses, and was mentioning each individually by name. My answer for each one: “She’s not my type.”
It worked! I was avoiding that attitude of “He’s straight and has a penis, so he must *obviously* want me”… and having a pleasant time at work, and not getting the standoffish treatments from the single gals. Yes, no one should really care about that gay/straight kind of thing… but it’s often entertaining to see how many people DO care. Even the ones that say they don’t.
And when the day came that a young lady I was dating came in to see me… and after talking with her briefly, we kissed goodbye… the look of utter shock on everyone’s faces was absolutely priceless. I just stopped, turned my head, and said, “Yes, I’m straight”… then continued on. I could hear my boss say, “I was *wondering*…”
(Not only a neat social experiment… but a fun way to screw with people. I highly recommend it, if you have the opportunity.)
One of my first Temp jobs when I got back to New England was for a company down in Massachusetts. And my cubicle was smack next to the resident “hot chick”. Pretty face, blonde hair, tanned skin, yadda yadda… all the stuff that appeals to the superficial guy. My total conversational time with her over the 6 months I was there, totaled to a 15 second conversation by the vending machine one morning. That’s it. Frankly, I just didn’t give a crap.
I swear, on almost a daily basis, guys twice her age would be flirting with her. They just “happen” to swing by to “see how you’re doing? How was your night last night? Do you work out? If you ever need anything, let me know… etc” Funny how they never seem to swing by MY cubicle to say that… or anyone else’s, really. To her credit… I think I detected some annoyance in her voice on some of these numerous occasions.
One morning, she came in… and had just locked her keys in her car. Simple mistake… I’ve done it a bunch of times myself. But she has sometime in the next 8 hours to find a solution… locksmith, AAA, ask a favor whatever. She doesn’t actually ask for help, but does try to think of what she’ll do. Then… I see FIVE guys… count them, FIVE… *immediately* jump up to run out to the parking lot to get her keys out. Two of them grab coat hangers, another says he has a slim jim in his car… and I don’t even know why the other two went out. I was almost crushed underneath the shockwave of testosterone. 20 minutes later... (for a 5 minute job… methinks it did not go smoothly) all five come strutting in declaring satisfied success in a manly way.
Wow… it was F’n pathetic.
The young accountant in the corner cubicle pushing 300 lbs probably wouldn’t have gotten that level of attention. I’m just saying…
That’s walking a very iffy line. If she ever thought for a bit, and decided that she didn’t want so much attention… she would probably have a case.
Honestly… I wish I had some kind of conclusion to come to here. But the rules of the issue change back and forth, differ from place to place, person to person and situation to situation so often… it all really does is just support my earlier summation.
Sexual Harassment is whatever the Accuser says it is.
At the very least… it’s worth repeating.
So, thank you… to the over-sensitive accusers, and the under-sensitive perpetrators… for making me so freaking paranoid I barely leave my cubicle, because everyone will think I’m looking at their cans.
I hate you all.
(Besides, I’m more of a Leg-and-Butt Man. *grin*)
She was also the only woman, nay, the only PERSON that, during a Strike (the one-night takedown of an entire set at the end of a show), grabbed the chainsaw (before I could) and yelled out, “Where do I start??” Ah, a woman with a penchant for power tools and destruction… So, *I* thought she was the cat’s meow.
Her description of it, to me, actually seems to be a lot more accurate. At least, it’s a lot more accurate as to what would happen to ME if I were caught up in it. Then again, I’m one paranoid sucker.
Suffice to say, I’m more or less terrified at the idea of being accused of Sexual Harassment. (And I don’t throw around the word “terrify” lightly) Years ago, when I was first entering the workforce during high school with a job washing dishes… I assumed that it’s probably something that never would have to worry me, because I was a respectful guy. I assumed “Sexual Harrassment” invariably involved ass-grabbing and very blunt, straightforward orders to remove clothing and perform… *ahem*… “non-work functions” while on the clock. And seeing as how I flat-out knew that women were not objects, but rather belonged to the same sentient and intelligent species category that *I* did… what did I have to worry about? I’m polite and cordial to everyone… and since I’m not a touchy-feely person, I won’t have to worry about people claiming I molest them. As for the female co-workers I was attracted to? Well, I knew I was too chicken to do anything, so how can anyone complain about advances I’m not making? To me, it’s always been “Look, but don’t touch” when it comes to women in the workplace.
Now, thankfully, I’ve never been accused of Sexual Harassment, or even reprimanded for it. But what I *did* do… was read about it. I’m not talking about just the examples given by Human Resources whenever I had to take the “mandatory sexual harassment workshop” (isn’t there a better title? It almost sounds like they’re going to show you how to do it… and that’s not the kind of job training I expect). Those workshops really only give you the obvious clear-cut scenarios, where there is NO doubt in anyone’s mind that “yes, what that guy is doing is sexist, an abuse of power, inappropriate, wrong, and 100% no-ifs-and-or-buts-about-it Sex-U-All Harassment!”
They DON’T tell you about the examples from the ugly gray area… the cases that sound flat-out shady and miscarriages of the system. The cases that to any logical individual aren’t actually sexual harassment… but are called, tried, and convicted as such. These are some of the cases I read about… the ones that got me REAL paranoid.
Like a guy who simply came up behind a colleague and tapped her on the shoulder with one finger just to get her attention. No, the colleague had no problem with it. It was the THIRD person… another woman who was *watching*, and suddenly ran to HR saying, “He was feeling for her bra strap! Sexual Harrassment!” The guy lost his job… and somehow the complainer got money out of it.
Or the woman that brought a lawsuit against her company for Sexual Harassment because… everyone in the office was hooking up and getting into relationships with each other and… wait for it… she WAS LEFT OUT!!! Yes, NOTHING happened to her… and THAT’S why she was complaining! And… she… *won*. A very large settlement.
Or the example I heard not too long ago on a morning radio show… A woman went to a male co-worker, because she discovered that he “found something funny”, and when she asked him about it, he refused to tell her… because he flat-out said it was raunchy and inappropriate. She pressed him, asking for the internet link. He still refused. She insisted, and kept insisting that she really wanted to see it. So, eventually he relented, and by her permission and emphatic request… he sent her the link. Two days later, he was called into HR, because that same woman then complained, and called Sexual Harassment. The company, wanting to avoid any and all trouble whatsoever… fired the guy, on what they admitted was very flimsy grounds for Sexual Harassment.
What- The- F---K???
That’s when I realized exactly what Sexual Harassment is. And every time I had to go to another mandatory Sexual Harassment Workshop, I expressed this out loud. Because invariably, the whole thing would start off with a manager or some outside “consultant” (brought in specially for this “training”) asking the very simple question:
“So, what *is* Sexual Harassment?”
It’s a standard technique in seminars (Hell, *I’ve* even used it). I don’t know, maybe it makes the speaker seem smart for “stating it so simply”. But they’ll go around the room and get everyone’s “answer/opinion”… and then poke holes in everyone’s answer, all in a set-up to simply get to THEIR definition, stated in a “nice, convenient, accurate wording” which is, in reality, the language of “Legalese”. People will talk back and forth, spouting something about “Well, what about *this*? Or how about *this situation*?”… and the speaker will be pleased because they initiated a “dialog” that goes on for an hour, but it doesn’t teach anyone anything new, yet everyone THINKS they learned something new, and walks out of the conference room saying, “Wow, that was enlightening”… without ever actually solving or changing anything.
My answer is quick, dirty, simple… and I don’t see how you can poke a hole in it, or ask a question that can’t be answered simply by repeating the exact wording. And it’s this:
Sexual Harassment is whatever the Accuser says it is.
It covers every “interpretation” point that is made when talking about “comfort” and an “appropriate work environment”… but I can tell that people don’t usually like me to state it like that… because it also encompasses a very ugly truth. This is the fact that Sexual Harassment has the capacity to be a Witch Hunt.
I’m sure we all know what a Witch Hunt is, right? For those that may not be sure: It’s looking for something that isn’t there, and finding it anyway.
The Salem Witch Trials in the 1600s… no one there was *actually* a Witch. It was just an excuse to get your neighbor’s land if they didn’t want to sell it to you cheap. They accuse you as a Witch, and that’s your death sentence… and you have no defense.
The McCarthy Communist Hearings of the 1950s… Hundreds of people blacklisted because someone named them “Communist” (accurately or not), and even though they were on a public “trial”… again, the accusation IS the sentence, with no due process and no defense.
Sexual Harassment has that ability. No guy wants to hear those words, because no matter what the facts are, chances are he’s losing his job (at the very least). Even if there IS direct evidence showing his innocence… he’s already been put through the ringer so much that he *couldn’t* stay there, even if he wanted to.
Higher-ups will admit, “yes, it can unfortunately be that way… that’s why WE thoroughly investigate the validity of each to fairly assess each situation and find the truth!” Sounds great… that’s what *should* be happening… but that takes a lot of time… and when the Accuser is on the horn to their lawyer, who is in turn pushing that paperwork through as fast as possible… well, the pressure starts coming down faster than a penny off the Empire State… and if something isn’t resolved *fast*, then the consequences just start piling up. Too often, the word comes down from on High saying, “make this go away”. The easiest way to do that? Eliminate the source of the apparent “problem”.
Now, I’m definitely not saying that ALL Sexual Harassment suits are attempts to cruelly ruin someone’s life for no reason, or looking for a big payout. Nor am I suggesting that all Accusers don’t FEEL threatened and harassed… which is the biggest legal snag. (How can you argue feelings? You can’t. That’s why they pretty much HAVE to side with the Accuser.) I’d like to think the vast majority of reports are legitimate and honest. (But not in the sense that I like to hear about people being accosted.)
Every angle of the whole issue is just so muddy and foggy, 100 times more than it’s even made out to be. Even if your company is incredibly strict on it… they’re still underestimating all the ramifications. And yes, I know it is fully possible for Men to be Sexually Harassed by Women. Now, pretty much my only example of that is an episode of Three’s Company, where Jack Tripper (John Ritter) was working at a restaurant, and his female boss kept grabbing his butt. (There was a movie with Demi Moore and Michael Douglas about that too… but I never saw it.) But I think, deep down… with everyone “knowing how guys are”… people probably don’t take that as seriously as they should.
Sure, I’ve heard the statistics that say how a lot of people end up dating and marrying people they work with… but what about the instances when it doesn’t work out? If there’s a bad breakup… and then you have to still see that person every day? (I know I’m, at the very least, uncomfortable being the same area as an Ex.) Oooch, that’s just a recipe for bad karma, right there.
That’s why I do my best to remain Asexual when it comes to women I work with. I so blatantly keep my eyes above chest level, most people think I’m fascinated by the ceiling tiles. Yet, despite all my efforts, sometimes just the circumstance of owning a penis tends to throw it all out the window.
I used to work at a women’s clothing catalog… Now, it wasn’t the first or last time I’d been outnumbered at a job, gender-wise… but definitely the one where I had the greatest odds against me. Including myself, I think there were 5 guys in that office, compared to 150 women. Two of those guys were corporate, and were locked inside their office all day. So that left 3 male cubicle-jockeys in the joint to sell women’s clothing alongside the legion of actual target customer demographic. (Oddly enough… I was actually good at selling clothing to women I’d never seen.) Some guys would consider that “heaven on earth”… not me. Eyes on my computer, ears on my phone system, and just do my job. Last thing I need is to give a reason to be lynched by a score of scorned women.
Still… it didn’t stop many women there from believing that I *was* there with the intention of feeding my libido. I actually got several dirty looks from women that believed that just because I was walking past them and said “hi” when they looked at me… figured that meant I obviously wanted to do the horizontal hokey-pokey with them. There was one that was actively telling people that I “had a thing” for her, and she was annoyed at me for it. When a friend of mine told me this, (one of the few really cool gals I met… who was in a relationship, so off-limits) and asked if it was true, I said:
“Who?”
Yeah, methinks she was only seeing what she wanted to see. To the point of complete self-delusion.
Hell, I might have had a case MYSELF… I was having an uncomfortable work experience because I was being judged on my gender. Hell… I could have paid off college years ago!
Anyway, with the next job I had… I decided to try something. This was when I went off to Grad School, and ended up going back to my roots… washing dishes. When I started there, I made the resolution to not let ANYONE know what my sexuality was.
Granted, it’s not one of the first things that come up in conversation… but I’ve been thought to be Gay before, and that’s from no effort on my part. So maybe I actually get that to work *for* me this time around. (There was always the extremes… either I’m Gay, or a disgusting chauvinistic pig. Apparently no room for the “nice guy” category that I’ve always tried for) With a little effort, I got pretty good at being very cryptic and ambiguous with the things I said, especially when asked questions of a love/dating nature, or that were just plain risqué. (When working in restaurants, those subjects come up on pretty much an hourly basis. Its how we got through the day.) One day, one of the waitresses was flat-out asking me if I “liked” any of the other waitresses, and was mentioning each individually by name. My answer for each one: “She’s not my type.”
It worked! I was avoiding that attitude of “He’s straight and has a penis, so he must *obviously* want me”… and having a pleasant time at work, and not getting the standoffish treatments from the single gals. Yes, no one should really care about that gay/straight kind of thing… but it’s often entertaining to see how many people DO care. Even the ones that say they don’t.
And when the day came that a young lady I was dating came in to see me… and after talking with her briefly, we kissed goodbye… the look of utter shock on everyone’s faces was absolutely priceless. I just stopped, turned my head, and said, “Yes, I’m straight”… then continued on. I could hear my boss say, “I was *wondering*…”
(Not only a neat social experiment… but a fun way to screw with people. I highly recommend it, if you have the opportunity.)
One of my first Temp jobs when I got back to New England was for a company down in Massachusetts. And my cubicle was smack next to the resident “hot chick”. Pretty face, blonde hair, tanned skin, yadda yadda… all the stuff that appeals to the superficial guy. My total conversational time with her over the 6 months I was there, totaled to a 15 second conversation by the vending machine one morning. That’s it. Frankly, I just didn’t give a crap.
I swear, on almost a daily basis, guys twice her age would be flirting with her. They just “happen” to swing by to “see how you’re doing? How was your night last night? Do you work out? If you ever need anything, let me know… etc” Funny how they never seem to swing by MY cubicle to say that… or anyone else’s, really. To her credit… I think I detected some annoyance in her voice on some of these numerous occasions.
One morning, she came in… and had just locked her keys in her car. Simple mistake… I’ve done it a bunch of times myself. But she has sometime in the next 8 hours to find a solution… locksmith, AAA, ask a favor whatever. She doesn’t actually ask for help, but does try to think of what she’ll do. Then… I see FIVE guys… count them, FIVE… *immediately* jump up to run out to the parking lot to get her keys out. Two of them grab coat hangers, another says he has a slim jim in his car… and I don’t even know why the other two went out. I was almost crushed underneath the shockwave of testosterone. 20 minutes later... (for a 5 minute job… methinks it did not go smoothly) all five come strutting in declaring satisfied success in a manly way.
Wow… it was F’n pathetic.
The young accountant in the corner cubicle pushing 300 lbs probably wouldn’t have gotten that level of attention. I’m just saying…
That’s walking a very iffy line. If she ever thought for a bit, and decided that she didn’t want so much attention… she would probably have a case.
Honestly… I wish I had some kind of conclusion to come to here. But the rules of the issue change back and forth, differ from place to place, person to person and situation to situation so often… it all really does is just support my earlier summation.
Sexual Harassment is whatever the Accuser says it is.
At the very least… it’s worth repeating.
So, thank you… to the over-sensitive accusers, and the under-sensitive perpetrators… for making me so freaking paranoid I barely leave my cubicle, because everyone will think I’m looking at their cans.
I hate you all.
(Besides, I’m more of a Leg-and-Butt Man. *grin*)
12.31.2007
Advice From a Homicidal Maniac...
I’m feeling Lost.
That’s really the only word I can think of for this feeling. I know where I am, I know what I want to do and where I want to be, and continually taking little steps to get there. (I’d take larger steps… but its hard to do that with your pants around your ankles. Metaphorically speaking, of course.)
Yet, despite this self-awareness of my situation, I’m feeling Lost.
It’s no secret that the last 2 years have been tough for me. (If I’m trying to keep it secret, I’m doing a bad job.) After my last lousy year in Los Angeles, I came back East… and the past year hasn’t been that much better.
For one… I’m living with my parents. Oh dear Jeebus, I’m a stereotype… a 32-year old man living in my parents’ basement. *shudder* At least I have friends that are kind to point out that I was living on my own for 10 years. (Yeah, I made it to the double-digits. Before either of my older brothers, too. A fact I was kind of proud of.) And before I left, some friends I knew who were from Europe said it was “No big deal. In Europe, everyone lives with their parents until their 30s or even 40s… usually only moving out when you’re married, but not always.” (Oh man, the thought of living with them even when I’m married? Uh… no thank you. Either way, it didn’t really make me feel better.)
Yet, I knew that was going to be the case when I decided to move back. And I accepted it as a “necessary sacrifice” for my Plan. Yes, I had a plan. I refused to swallow my pride and come back without one. Because I was in L.A. for a reason… I’m a storyteller. And I want to tell stories. I’m a writer and an actor, and I don’t feel productive unless I’m creating or presenting. But throughout my time there… I never got noticed. I did several plays, got great reviews from all, compliments up the wazoo… but ultimately nothing. Even the last film project I did there (I even had the title character) has, to my knowledge, NOT seen the light of day… and I actually hope it doesn’t. Not that it was completely dissuading me. Hell, I knew it was going to be a long, tough battle, and I was feeling resilient. That is, until the OTHER reasons I left L.A. came to the forefront… well, it just kind of became the “Anvil-That-Broke-The-Camel’s-Back”. I just came to the conclusion that I needed a “break”.
So, I decided to return to my roots… back near all my family… and make my own stinkin movie.
Yeah, I decided to thumb my nose at the System. (Not that the System would get the insult… face it, the actual “thumbing your nose” cut-down kind of went out of style in Shakespeare’s time. Nowadays, if you try it, people think you’re just picking your nose in public.) I was feeling a bit inspired by Robert Rodriguez (based in Texas), George Romero (based in Pennsylvania), and others that don’t need Hollywood to make their movies. I was particularly inspired by the movie “28 Days Later”… a high-octane zombie movie, made with a Mini-DV camera that cost peanuts (relatively speaking)… and a festival winning Time-Travel movie called “Primer”… made for $7,000. Yeah, for the price of a used car… a guy made a movie… and a GOOD one. Its things like that which really inspire you and make you realize, “Hey… this CAN be done.”
I figured, the best way to show that my writing CAN work (as Hollywood is very effective at keeping out new writers), is to actually SHOW it working on film. And the best option to be able to make it… lay back on the East Coast. With the high cost of living, California was not exactly conducive to saving money. Not to mention that many of the story ideas I was having (mostly for scary movies) were all set in geographic areas “like New England”. Face it, there’s a good reason that Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft set most, if not all, of their stories there. So rather than try to find a half-assed location in So-Cal… it would look better to actually BE and FILM in New England.
So, even though I never set out to be a director… I decided to do it. That was my plan. Well, it was the goal of it, I should say. The actual plan was a bit of a loose one. I was going to get a decent paying job (I was told the market back here was much better, with higher pay)… save up money. Get down the debts, and save for the money and film, while writing a script that is good, and can be done within the resources of myself and friends. And by the time I got to one year after returning I had hoped we could be filming. Well… actually, I was shooting for the Spring of 08… I’m not filming in the freaking cold.
For a good while… it was working. When I finally found something decent paying (through a temp agency), I was socking away a good amount of money. Every week, I put away a portion of my paycheck aside… and that started to build fairly quickly. By early July, I had gotten to just over half of what I needed. My mental time-table was working out nicely… that’s where I hoped to be at that time.
THEN… my car wouldn’t start one day. I took it in to be looked at. Never a good sign, right? Well, in this case, they only needed to replace ONE thing to fix it.
The Engine.
Replacing the engine (a more affordable option than getting a new car outright) took almost EXACTLY the amount of money I had saved up to that point for my camera. I guess I could be thankful that I *had* the money handy to be able to get my car back… because I needed one to get to work… But I couldn’t help feeling a little depressed all the same.
So I went back to square one. Undaunted, I continued. DETERMINED to film come Spring. Every week, putting aside some money (a little more than before to try and catch up)… until I got back to over the half-way point in October. And THEN… the place I was working at (a company in Burlington, Massachusetts that makes medical equipment) has to get rid of all their “contract employees” at the end of the month. Of which, *I* was the last one. I liked working there, everyone was really nice, and they seemed to like me… but the higher ups wanted to pinch pennies at the end of the year. So, I had to go. I was back on the market. No problem, right? Just tell the Temp Agency, and with my record and rave reviews (hell, I made “Temp Employee of the Month” on my FIRST month with them…. I got a mug), something should come soon, right? Well, it did take a few weeks… with the holidays coming, the demand for Temp Employment went down. The only thing I got was a 2 ½ week gig at a Marketing Research company at a neighboring town. (Well, at least the commute was shorter)
2 of us were brought in. One of the clients of this company was having a big trade show and they needed the potential customers (or “leads”) entered into the big fancy database. I was selected for it because I had experience with their big fancy database… the same kind of big fancy database that I worked with in Burlington. This would just be time-consuming, non-difficult work… I didn’t see a problem. So, they were happy to have me there. The other guy seemed intelligent enough… a decent sort of fellow. We were told the whole job would take about 2 ½ weeks with 2 of us working.
When I went in on the third day… I noticed the other guy wasn’t there. I casually enquired as to where he was and was simply told he “wasn’t going to be coming back.” I didn’t push for answers, figured it wasn’t my place. Well… wasn’t my place to get answers from THAT person. I called the agency at lunch… now I didn’t know if the guy just said, “I quit this bitch” or he made a pass at the Boss’s husband or what. Frankly, I didn’t even care, but I was wondering if that meant I was going to have to do this 2 ½ week job by MYSELF, or if someone else was going to come and take his place, or what? Apparently, the Marketing company told the Temp Agency they didn’t want him back… they were just going to go with me. Apparently, they were VERY happy with how I was doing, and the other guy didn’t seem to “get it”. So… I was indeed going to have this 2-man-2 ½-week-job to myself. I figured, “Oh well… I can only do the job at the pace I can. If they get behind, its not my fault.”
Well, they didn’t get behind. In fact… that second Friday, on day 10 of this 14-business-day assignment… I only went in for 2 hours to finish everything up, and then was sent home. I finished a 2-man-2 ½-week-job… by myself, 4 days ahead of schedule. I saved them about $1300 in labor alone (the other guy’s salary, plus the days I was supposed to work, but didn’t need to) and *literally* worked myself out of a job.
Holy Cripes on Toast… why the hell do I have to be so fast and efficient??? I never thought I’d hate having a good work ethic and a high level of competence.
So that brings me to now. The next interview for an assignment is after the New Year, so the holidays are off for me, unintentionally. My savings for the camera was OVER the half-way mark… but then I sprung for a new suit, as I desperately needed one. (Hopefully, it’ll be a good investment to help get a better, more permanent position.) So, now I’m not OVER the half-way… I’m AT the half-way point.
Why do I feel Lost? Partly because I seem to perpetually be at the “half-way” point… and can’t seem to get closer than that. I’ve been “home” for almost a year now… and it doesn’t feel like “home”. This is a town I had at one time promised myself I’d never come back to… not a lot of happy memories for me. I never knew who I was until I left. Yet, here I am.
I often wonder if I made a mistake leaving California. Oftentimes, I hear about things, that feel like reasons I should have stayed there. The idea that “I’m where I’m supposed to be” doesn’t help.
Not to mention the fact that (he says while turning a can-opener on another container marked “Worms”) I have been feeling INCREDIBLY lonely.
When my last Ex and I first started dating, we had a conversation in which I mentioned the fact that I “took a long time between relationships”. It wasn’t a line… and I wasn’t lying. On average, I took about a year or so between a break-up, and starting a new relationship. Its now been over 2 years.
Now, my longest dry spell for sex is about 3 years and 3 months. So that part isn’t such a big deal for me… but its definitely the longest I’ve gone without companionship. During those 3 years 3 months, I did have romantic relationships… and during shorter dry spells, I did date… just nothing came about.
This has been 2 years without really ANYTHING. And I’ve been looking. When I finally got comfortable with the idea of dating again (a little longer than a year), I started slowly looking… and haven’t found anything. I don’t mean that I’ve had interests and they didn’t want to date ME… I haven’t met ANYBODY that *I* want to date. I meet some women… fine, decent people… and I just really don’t give a shit. And by “met”, I mean actually, physically MEET in person. I have tried going the route of the Internet, and I have now sworn it off completely. No more not for me. See the blog entry “I’m tired of this shite” for one such example. There was another after that… someone I was getting along with very nicely online and on the phone… and I wanted to meet, she said SHE wanted to meet. Guess what? We’ve never met. Make sense to you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
The few people I *did* physically meet from online introductions? Didn’t exactly work out. The two that readily come to mind were both a little on the… overbearing side. Very upbeat, high energy, mile-a-minute kind of demeanors, etc. As I was waiting in a Barnes & Noble café to meet one, she called me on her cell phone, as she was a matter of minutes away, and as soon as I say, “Hello?” I hear in a very peppy tone, “ARE YOU NERVOUS?!!”
Well, I wasn’t “nervous”, but I was suddenly wondering if I *should* be… and then I actually WAS nervous. That probably wasn’t the best choice of words to use with me at that time… it was a little on the steamrollerish side. Now there’s nothing wrong with upbeat, high-energy… the girl was very lovely, and seemed nice. Maybe it was that first beat that just jarred me off the mood… but since I’ve been out of it for awhile… I don’t want to be steamrolled with a “fantastic, high-energy, extreme Type A personality”… I want the first meeting to be a little on the mellow side. Relaxed, non-pressure… because I’m not wanting to give any pressure, and I’m not looking FOR any pressure. Show me your Type-A personality LATER. For now… take a breath, please.
I do understand that talking about a “dry spell” can start to sound like one is a bit on the desperate side. Hell, I’ve even stopped myself and tried to contemplate if I was in fact being “desperate”. But I think that if I was desperate… I would have probably gone for one of the SteamRollerGirls, or still be in a Binary Courtship with one of the “Never Actually Meet” ones.
I think I *am* desperate… for good conversation. Doesn’t have to be witty, or super-intelligent… you don’t have to be a worldly, well-traveled, go-getter. Just be someone I can talk to. Someone who can be genuine over a cup of hot cocoa… who smiles only when she’s happy. Who knows how to listen… I mean REALLY Listen… and knows how to be listened to.
These days, I don’t get to talk to my friends as much as I like… the ones that are good to talk to, especially. And I actually miss going to therapy… it was so nice to have someone that just listened to you, without giving judgment, advice, or just waiting for a pause so they could talk.
I’m desperate for someone to trust. Because I’ve been having such a hard time doing so for so long.
When I was growing up here in New England, I had so much difficulty finding someone to date.
Then I moved to California… and it got HARDER. Almost a whole new culture to get used to. Then Southern California got even harder than that.
Now I’m back in New England… and it feels harder than ever. Is it my age, my personality, or just too used to Los Angeles? I can’t meet people the “regular way”. I can’t go to bars… I don’t drink. And yes, I’ve tried going to a bar and not drinking. It doesn’t work. The alcohol is actually the noun and verb that brings people together. It makes them vulnerable (in a sense). When I’m vulnerable, I don’t like interacting with people that AREN’T vulnerable themselves. I feel like they have an unfair advantage. I can only imagine that’s a subconscious reason why I’m usually left to my own there.
I’m alone… my destination seems so far off… and I keep hitting delays, detours and speed bumps. Any wonder I feel “Lost”?
Oh yeah… the title. Probably should make some kind of sense of that, huh?
Well… I’m trying to remain hopeful. I force myself to smile and constantly look forward to the future and TRY to remain upbeat about it, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much disapproval I get from those that disagree with my plan… all of that. Though sometimes it feels that I’m barely hanging on, I have to keep doing it. And to help I try and keep some “inspirational” bits of philosophy around me that are always within sight.
And my inspiration sometimes comes from odd places. Because us true philosophers… True “Lovers of Wisdom” know that you don’t always have to look at Kant, Kierkegaard, Plato, Nietzsche, or whoever to get the best words of wisdom… you take them wherever you find them.
And one of my favorites comes from Jhonen Vasquez, a writer and comic artist who created “Johnny the Homicidal Maniac”… a very bloody, satirical comic book.
A lot of people have told me their own favorite parts of the book… such as “Dear Die-ary, I appear to be dead.” Or other such macabre gag. But my favorite comes at the very end. On the last page… in fact, it’s the last thing written, and frankly, the whole point of the story that Vasquez wrote. And its something I agree with completely… and will leave this blog entry on that. It’s not funny, it’s not bloody or disgusting… its just correct. It helps keep me going, and actually hopeful for the New Year, and that I can make 2008 better than 2007 and 2006.
Here it is.
“Dear Die-ary,
There’s nothing terribly wrong with feeling Lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it.
Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their “discomfort” like a favorite shirt.
I can’t say I’m very pleased with where my life is just now…
But I can’t help but look forward to where it’s going.”
-Jhonen Vasquez
“Johhny the Homicidal Maniac”
Happy New Year. Take care of yourself, and someone else.
That’s really the only word I can think of for this feeling. I know where I am, I know what I want to do and where I want to be, and continually taking little steps to get there. (I’d take larger steps… but its hard to do that with your pants around your ankles. Metaphorically speaking, of course.)
Yet, despite this self-awareness of my situation, I’m feeling Lost.
It’s no secret that the last 2 years have been tough for me. (If I’m trying to keep it secret, I’m doing a bad job.) After my last lousy year in Los Angeles, I came back East… and the past year hasn’t been that much better.
For one… I’m living with my parents. Oh dear Jeebus, I’m a stereotype… a 32-year old man living in my parents’ basement. *shudder* At least I have friends that are kind to point out that I was living on my own for 10 years. (Yeah, I made it to the double-digits. Before either of my older brothers, too. A fact I was kind of proud of.) And before I left, some friends I knew who were from Europe said it was “No big deal. In Europe, everyone lives with their parents until their 30s or even 40s… usually only moving out when you’re married, but not always.” (Oh man, the thought of living with them even when I’m married? Uh… no thank you. Either way, it didn’t really make me feel better.)
Yet, I knew that was going to be the case when I decided to move back. And I accepted it as a “necessary sacrifice” for my Plan. Yes, I had a plan. I refused to swallow my pride and come back without one. Because I was in L.A. for a reason… I’m a storyteller. And I want to tell stories. I’m a writer and an actor, and I don’t feel productive unless I’m creating or presenting. But throughout my time there… I never got noticed. I did several plays, got great reviews from all, compliments up the wazoo… but ultimately nothing. Even the last film project I did there (I even had the title character) has, to my knowledge, NOT seen the light of day… and I actually hope it doesn’t. Not that it was completely dissuading me. Hell, I knew it was going to be a long, tough battle, and I was feeling resilient. That is, until the OTHER reasons I left L.A. came to the forefront… well, it just kind of became the “Anvil-That-Broke-The-Camel’s-Back”. I just came to the conclusion that I needed a “break”.
So, I decided to return to my roots… back near all my family… and make my own stinkin movie.
Yeah, I decided to thumb my nose at the System. (Not that the System would get the insult… face it, the actual “thumbing your nose” cut-down kind of went out of style in Shakespeare’s time. Nowadays, if you try it, people think you’re just picking your nose in public.) I was feeling a bit inspired by Robert Rodriguez (based in Texas), George Romero (based in Pennsylvania), and others that don’t need Hollywood to make their movies. I was particularly inspired by the movie “28 Days Later”… a high-octane zombie movie, made with a Mini-DV camera that cost peanuts (relatively speaking)… and a festival winning Time-Travel movie called “Primer”… made for $7,000. Yeah, for the price of a used car… a guy made a movie… and a GOOD one. Its things like that which really inspire you and make you realize, “Hey… this CAN be done.”
I figured, the best way to show that my writing CAN work (as Hollywood is very effective at keeping out new writers), is to actually SHOW it working on film. And the best option to be able to make it… lay back on the East Coast. With the high cost of living, California was not exactly conducive to saving money. Not to mention that many of the story ideas I was having (mostly for scary movies) were all set in geographic areas “like New England”. Face it, there’s a good reason that Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft set most, if not all, of their stories there. So rather than try to find a half-assed location in So-Cal… it would look better to actually BE and FILM in New England.
So, even though I never set out to be a director… I decided to do it. That was my plan. Well, it was the goal of it, I should say. The actual plan was a bit of a loose one. I was going to get a decent paying job (I was told the market back here was much better, with higher pay)… save up money. Get down the debts, and save for the money and film, while writing a script that is good, and can be done within the resources of myself and friends. And by the time I got to one year after returning I had hoped we could be filming. Well… actually, I was shooting for the Spring of 08… I’m not filming in the freaking cold.
For a good while… it was working. When I finally found something decent paying (through a temp agency), I was socking away a good amount of money. Every week, I put away a portion of my paycheck aside… and that started to build fairly quickly. By early July, I had gotten to just over half of what I needed. My mental time-table was working out nicely… that’s where I hoped to be at that time.
THEN… my car wouldn’t start one day. I took it in to be looked at. Never a good sign, right? Well, in this case, they only needed to replace ONE thing to fix it.
The Engine.
Replacing the engine (a more affordable option than getting a new car outright) took almost EXACTLY the amount of money I had saved up to that point for my camera. I guess I could be thankful that I *had* the money handy to be able to get my car back… because I needed one to get to work… But I couldn’t help feeling a little depressed all the same.
So I went back to square one. Undaunted, I continued. DETERMINED to film come Spring. Every week, putting aside some money (a little more than before to try and catch up)… until I got back to over the half-way point in October. And THEN… the place I was working at (a company in Burlington, Massachusetts that makes medical equipment) has to get rid of all their “contract employees” at the end of the month. Of which, *I* was the last one. I liked working there, everyone was really nice, and they seemed to like me… but the higher ups wanted to pinch pennies at the end of the year. So, I had to go. I was back on the market. No problem, right? Just tell the Temp Agency, and with my record and rave reviews (hell, I made “Temp Employee of the Month” on my FIRST month with them…. I got a mug), something should come soon, right? Well, it did take a few weeks… with the holidays coming, the demand for Temp Employment went down. The only thing I got was a 2 ½ week gig at a Marketing Research company at a neighboring town. (Well, at least the commute was shorter)
2 of us were brought in. One of the clients of this company was having a big trade show and they needed the potential customers (or “leads”) entered into the big fancy database. I was selected for it because I had experience with their big fancy database… the same kind of big fancy database that I worked with in Burlington. This would just be time-consuming, non-difficult work… I didn’t see a problem. So, they were happy to have me there. The other guy seemed intelligent enough… a decent sort of fellow. We were told the whole job would take about 2 ½ weeks with 2 of us working.
When I went in on the third day… I noticed the other guy wasn’t there. I casually enquired as to where he was and was simply told he “wasn’t going to be coming back.” I didn’t push for answers, figured it wasn’t my place. Well… wasn’t my place to get answers from THAT person. I called the agency at lunch… now I didn’t know if the guy just said, “I quit this bitch” or he made a pass at the Boss’s husband or what. Frankly, I didn’t even care, but I was wondering if that meant I was going to have to do this 2 ½ week job by MYSELF, or if someone else was going to come and take his place, or what? Apparently, the Marketing company told the Temp Agency they didn’t want him back… they were just going to go with me. Apparently, they were VERY happy with how I was doing, and the other guy didn’t seem to “get it”. So… I was indeed going to have this 2-man-2 ½-week-job to myself. I figured, “Oh well… I can only do the job at the pace I can. If they get behind, its not my fault.”
Well, they didn’t get behind. In fact… that second Friday, on day 10 of this 14-business-day assignment… I only went in for 2 hours to finish everything up, and then was sent home. I finished a 2-man-2 ½-week-job… by myself, 4 days ahead of schedule. I saved them about $1300 in labor alone (the other guy’s salary, plus the days I was supposed to work, but didn’t need to) and *literally* worked myself out of a job.
Holy Cripes on Toast… why the hell do I have to be so fast and efficient??? I never thought I’d hate having a good work ethic and a high level of competence.
So that brings me to now. The next interview for an assignment is after the New Year, so the holidays are off for me, unintentionally. My savings for the camera was OVER the half-way mark… but then I sprung for a new suit, as I desperately needed one. (Hopefully, it’ll be a good investment to help get a better, more permanent position.) So, now I’m not OVER the half-way… I’m AT the half-way point.
Why do I feel Lost? Partly because I seem to perpetually be at the “half-way” point… and can’t seem to get closer than that. I’ve been “home” for almost a year now… and it doesn’t feel like “home”. This is a town I had at one time promised myself I’d never come back to… not a lot of happy memories for me. I never knew who I was until I left. Yet, here I am.
I often wonder if I made a mistake leaving California. Oftentimes, I hear about things, that feel like reasons I should have stayed there. The idea that “I’m where I’m supposed to be” doesn’t help.
Not to mention the fact that (he says while turning a can-opener on another container marked “Worms”) I have been feeling INCREDIBLY lonely.
When my last Ex and I first started dating, we had a conversation in which I mentioned the fact that I “took a long time between relationships”. It wasn’t a line… and I wasn’t lying. On average, I took about a year or so between a break-up, and starting a new relationship. Its now been over 2 years.
Now, my longest dry spell for sex is about 3 years and 3 months. So that part isn’t such a big deal for me… but its definitely the longest I’ve gone without companionship. During those 3 years 3 months, I did have romantic relationships… and during shorter dry spells, I did date… just nothing came about.
This has been 2 years without really ANYTHING. And I’ve been looking. When I finally got comfortable with the idea of dating again (a little longer than a year), I started slowly looking… and haven’t found anything. I don’t mean that I’ve had interests and they didn’t want to date ME… I haven’t met ANYBODY that *I* want to date. I meet some women… fine, decent people… and I just really don’t give a shit. And by “met”, I mean actually, physically MEET in person. I have tried going the route of the Internet, and I have now sworn it off completely. No more not for me. See the blog entry “I’m tired of this shite” for one such example. There was another after that… someone I was getting along with very nicely online and on the phone… and I wanted to meet, she said SHE wanted to meet. Guess what? We’ve never met. Make sense to you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
The few people I *did* physically meet from online introductions? Didn’t exactly work out. The two that readily come to mind were both a little on the… overbearing side. Very upbeat, high energy, mile-a-minute kind of demeanors, etc. As I was waiting in a Barnes & Noble café to meet one, she called me on her cell phone, as she was a matter of minutes away, and as soon as I say, “Hello?” I hear in a very peppy tone, “ARE YOU NERVOUS?!!”
Well, I wasn’t “nervous”, but I was suddenly wondering if I *should* be… and then I actually WAS nervous. That probably wasn’t the best choice of words to use with me at that time… it was a little on the steamrollerish side. Now there’s nothing wrong with upbeat, high-energy… the girl was very lovely, and seemed nice. Maybe it was that first beat that just jarred me off the mood… but since I’ve been out of it for awhile… I don’t want to be steamrolled with a “fantastic, high-energy, extreme Type A personality”… I want the first meeting to be a little on the mellow side. Relaxed, non-pressure… because I’m not wanting to give any pressure, and I’m not looking FOR any pressure. Show me your Type-A personality LATER. For now… take a breath, please.
I do understand that talking about a “dry spell” can start to sound like one is a bit on the desperate side. Hell, I’ve even stopped myself and tried to contemplate if I was in fact being “desperate”. But I think that if I was desperate… I would have probably gone for one of the SteamRollerGirls, or still be in a Binary Courtship with one of the “Never Actually Meet” ones.
I think I *am* desperate… for good conversation. Doesn’t have to be witty, or super-intelligent… you don’t have to be a worldly, well-traveled, go-getter. Just be someone I can talk to. Someone who can be genuine over a cup of hot cocoa… who smiles only when she’s happy. Who knows how to listen… I mean REALLY Listen… and knows how to be listened to.
These days, I don’t get to talk to my friends as much as I like… the ones that are good to talk to, especially. And I actually miss going to therapy… it was so nice to have someone that just listened to you, without giving judgment, advice, or just waiting for a pause so they could talk.
I’m desperate for someone to trust. Because I’ve been having such a hard time doing so for so long.
When I was growing up here in New England, I had so much difficulty finding someone to date.
Then I moved to California… and it got HARDER. Almost a whole new culture to get used to. Then Southern California got even harder than that.
Now I’m back in New England… and it feels harder than ever. Is it my age, my personality, or just too used to Los Angeles? I can’t meet people the “regular way”. I can’t go to bars… I don’t drink. And yes, I’ve tried going to a bar and not drinking. It doesn’t work. The alcohol is actually the noun and verb that brings people together. It makes them vulnerable (in a sense). When I’m vulnerable, I don’t like interacting with people that AREN’T vulnerable themselves. I feel like they have an unfair advantage. I can only imagine that’s a subconscious reason why I’m usually left to my own there.
I’m alone… my destination seems so far off… and I keep hitting delays, detours and speed bumps. Any wonder I feel “Lost”?
Oh yeah… the title. Probably should make some kind of sense of that, huh?
Well… I’m trying to remain hopeful. I force myself to smile and constantly look forward to the future and TRY to remain upbeat about it, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much disapproval I get from those that disagree with my plan… all of that. Though sometimes it feels that I’m barely hanging on, I have to keep doing it. And to help I try and keep some “inspirational” bits of philosophy around me that are always within sight.
And my inspiration sometimes comes from odd places. Because us true philosophers… True “Lovers of Wisdom” know that you don’t always have to look at Kant, Kierkegaard, Plato, Nietzsche, or whoever to get the best words of wisdom… you take them wherever you find them.
And one of my favorites comes from Jhonen Vasquez, a writer and comic artist who created “Johnny the Homicidal Maniac”… a very bloody, satirical comic book.
A lot of people have told me their own favorite parts of the book… such as “Dear Die-ary, I appear to be dead.” Or other such macabre gag. But my favorite comes at the very end. On the last page… in fact, it’s the last thing written, and frankly, the whole point of the story that Vasquez wrote. And its something I agree with completely… and will leave this blog entry on that. It’s not funny, it’s not bloody or disgusting… its just correct. It helps keep me going, and actually hopeful for the New Year, and that I can make 2008 better than 2007 and 2006.
Here it is.
“Dear Die-ary,
There’s nothing terribly wrong with feeling Lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it.
Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their “discomfort” like a favorite shirt.
I can’t say I’m very pleased with where my life is just now…
But I can’t help but look forward to where it’s going.”
-Jhonen Vasquez
“Johhny the Homicidal Maniac”
Happy New Year. Take care of yourself, and someone else.
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